Imma Hit!

PS - OMG TWO BLOGS IN A DAY!

I've been crazy busy this week getting ready to scare the shit out of the kids in my neighborhood (I know for sure I made one cry last year) and buying myself a skanky outfit to wear for Halloween and so I haven't had a ton of time to figure out how to put my awesome new badge on my page. I finally got it into the gadgets toolbar and it was too small, so it's just going to reside in my main blog. TA-DA!!

I was a HIT! You see that?! I'm kind of a big deal. Don't be jealous.

Midwestern Mama over at Are You Serious? is doing a series on ghost stories from fellow bloggers this week, and yesterday she featured my story about weird things that happened to me before we moved out of our old house in 2006. So go read my story about ghosts and check her out.

If you haven't already checked out her blog from BOTH LINKS I PROVIDED, you should scroll back up and do so right now. She's a fellow 'Ohioan like me-self, but living in a small suburban community, and she's effing hilarious. I also stole the phrase "crotch fruits" from her and I cherish it like I gave birth to it myself. Thank you Mama, Cake Betch loves you!

PS - Love the poster!

Boyfriend of the Year Award

Today is a special day, because today is... our one year anniversary! YAY!

I should mention that I burped last week (which I do quite often) and then laughed and asked him how he can resist me. I was waiting for, "I can't resist you, you're so damn hot," or "You know it doesn't bother me." His actual response?

"You're definitely a personality girlfriend." Aww... I love you too babe.

Honestly I feel strange saying 'one year anniversary' because I feel like it's been fffffffoooooooorrrrrreeeeeeeevvvvvvvveeeeeeeerrrrrrr. And I mean that in the best way of course, darling. If you want to be more accurate it's actually been more like a year and some months because we were pretty much a couple towards the end of the summer, but we didn't make it Facebook official (you know your relationship ain't official until it's Facebook official) until October 28th.

Btw, that Facebook official thing is a joke.

But why the award you ask?

Because since I started back to school I have been even more neurotic, uptight, crabby, and scatterbrained than I already naturally am.

 Justin has done an amazing job of rolling with the punches, AND he has been cooking me dinner for like two straight weeks. He's been cleaning the house for me too (another thing I get worked up about - I don't feel comfortable in a dirty house) and taking care of other odds and ends. He's been super supportive throughout the ordeal and it has been extremely helpful. I haven't said it enough, if at all, so THANK YOU babe, you've been awesome.

So for our one year anniversary and since he's been such a sweetheart, Justin is awarded the Boyfriend of the Year award. I'm sure he's absolutely thrilled.

Award colors may cause seizures

In honor of this special day, here is the story of how Justin and I met:

After months of joblessness followed by a short stint decorating cakes and cookies to put gas in the car, I found a receptionist job at a resale networking equipment company. Since it was a pretty small company I met everyone there within a couple of weeks. Justin was the last person that I talked to, and honestly I didn't have much desire to try to bridge the gap because I thought he was a super shy nerd and that he wouldn't have much personality. And really, I don't want to discuss the finer points of how Linux operates or hear about his level 60 undead mage (even though I totally played WoW too). It would just lead to awkward conversation.

About a month after I started working there, everyone went out for drinks after work and Justin was there. He started telling me stories about pranks that had been pulled on one of our gullible yet lovable coworkers and I realized that he was really funny and he had a personality (but he was totally still a nerd)! Win. He noticed on my Facebook that I 'liked' Chuck Palahniuk, and asked if I was a reader, which I am. If you are a reader yourself you know how exciting it is to find like company. Getting to know each other went basically like this:

Justin is 6"5

Our friendship kind of blossomed like that - the more we talked the more we realized we had a lot of stuff in common.

I ended up leaving that job in the pursuit of better opportunities but we kept in touch and were still friends through the summer. We dated that fall without ever admitting that we were dating  until October 28th when Justin asked me point blank if I was his girlfriend or not. I told him I pretty much was and then we agreed that we were dating and that we would date one another exclusively. Then I shook his hand to seal the deal.

Yes, I really did do that. I reached across the table at dinner in a crowded restaurant and shook his hand in agreement to our newly founded dating arrangement. I am so amazingly smooth.

Happy Anniversary Justin, I love you.

I Might Have a Sugar Problem

I didn't used to be like this... promising my boyfriend things I can't mention on the interwebz in exchange for him taking the time to drive out of his way after work to pick me up a "Harvest brownie" from Sugardaddy's.

I will admit it - I have developed a severe sweet tooth. Right now I'm on a cupcake kick, specifically pumpkin flavored cupcakes. I have been trying to ween myself off sugar for a few weeks now, but last Wednesday I won myself a free cupcake from Three Babes and a Baker. This is a local business that actually operates out of a truck. Sounds a little creepy, or at least I thought so, but the owner is a darling and the cupcakes are wonderful. She does these promotions on twitter all the time (so if you’re a Columbus local and you like cupcakes you’re going to want to follow her) for free cupcakes. She tweeted that the first five people to tweet “I love cupcakes” got a free cupcake. I did, and I was one of the first five. She told me to pick my cupcake up… before 3:00pm.

I work 30 minutes outside of Columbus and I was scheduled to work until 3:00. So you know what I did? This may shock you but it was NOT the responsible adult thing, which would have been to pass up the cupcake to someone else. I left work early and drove like a bat out of hell to get there by 3:00pm.

And of course I couldn’t leave well enough alone. I was really wanting a pumpkin flavored cupcake, and I decided that I would take it upon myself to find the best pumpkin flavored treat (doesn’t even have to be a cupcake) in Columbus. I know, I know…. so brave and selfless am I to take on such a task.

I drove straight past my house the next day to Bakery Gingham and bought a Pumpkin Pie flavored cupcake from there. The following day, Friday, was the day I propositioned my boyfriend in an attempt to have him pick me up the pumpkin brownie I mentioned above. Due to an unfortunate turn of events he was unable to do so.

It’s getting real serious up in here, folks. I don't even know what lengths I'm going to go to next.

Justin is going to come home from work one day and I’m going to be lying on the floor in a puddle of frosting and cake crumbs, having OD’ed on one too many cupcakes.

Either that or I’ll just get fat. 

Open Letter to Willow Smith

Dear Willow,

I really want to congratulate you on your new musical career. The song is amazing. Painting a room while whipping your hair back and forth? Visual and lyrical genius... I can only imagine how thrilled your record label is to have stumbled across you. Most people scrape and bleed and die for their art over their entire lives and no one acknowledges their talent and their genius. You obviously had a guardian angel looking over you, child.

I mean, how old are you, nine? Oh, you're 10. Had to Google it. I really can't even express how jealous and amazed I am at your veracity, at the intense amount of work you had to have done to get where you are today. The scrutiny you surely faced from all the haters that didn't care about or believe in your art. Did you know that they say your chances of becoming a famous singer are roughly one in a million? Of one million singers and performing artists, YOU were handpicked, chosen. If you worked this hard and were this dedicated and were seen for the amazing talent that you are at this young an age, I can only imagine what the future has in store for you.

Once again, congratulations. You were sent here to share your wisdom with us Willow, and don't ever forget it.

<3 Cake Betch

Shit We Used to do at Work

Justin and I met when I got a job as an admin/front desk girl at the networking equipment resale company that he works for. It was quite possibly the best job I ever had. It was a very small company; I think there were 18 employees while I was there, and it was a super relaxed atmosphere. Everything just worked, and everyone (except for Cunty!) got along.

Justin decided that it would benefit the lab (Justin is a network engineer) if they had a pair of these on hand:

Nerf swords are obviously ALWAYS a good idea.

One day at work we got to talking and thought it would be hilarious if we had a sword fight in the middle of the lab... without forewarning for his coworkers or his boss.

 I'm guessing the room looked something like this before I entered:

Then I SLAMMED the door open and stood there staring right at Justin, holding the sword.

There was about a 5 second pause before the song Ironsides started blasting (you really should hear the song to appreciate what this would have looked like when it took place), and Justin whipped his head around with the craziest look on his face. He then very slowly stood up out of his chair, bringing the sword out from under the desk. I wish I could say I kept a straight face but his crazy face was so good I burst out laughing and kind of spoiled the seriousness of the moment... just for a second though.

Right at the peak of the song we dove at each other and faced off in the center of the room. We had a good sword fight for approximately two or three minutes.

It was awesome.

Justin tripped and fell behind his bosses chair. I took the opportunity to brutally stab him to death, then walked out of the room and closed the door like nothing had even happened. As the door shut behind me I heard victim number 2 say, "She's just leaving now???"

I obviously wasn't there, but Justin told me that he continued to lie behind his boss and "puke blood" for a good five minutes or so until he finally 'died'. Then he got up and went back to his chair.

I wish like hell we had gotten someone to film that.... it's just not as good when you've got to retell it with MS Paint.

Training for the Columbus Marathon

Talking breasts are disturbing

So I basically suck at sports. I am not a graceful person. I have never been a strong, lean, or agile person either, and you need most of these attributes to play sports... unless you want to play golf, but since I'm not a middle aged white-collar businessman I don't have much interest in that crap. I'm actually afraid of golf courses, but I'll explain that some other time. Also, I have a decent enough rack that it is impossible for me to correctly hold the golf club without smashing my boobs or forcing them up over the top of my shirt.

Running is the one "sport" I am (subjectively) good at.  I'm fairly tall for a girl and my legs are much longer than my munchkin torso would imply, so that seems to help. I don't know if that's really considered a sport or not, but they have track and cross country, so we'll go with it. I actually tried out for track in 7th and 8th grade. At the time I was an OK runner, especially considering that I was pretty overweight. My dad and I would go running together in the morning sometimes (he was a jock and track star in high school) and we ran pretty far so I thought I'd be a shoe in.

I did not make the 7th grade track team. I made the 8th.

Just.Barely.

I was the second slowest girl on the team. The slowest girl was still a popular girl though and everyone cheered for and encouraged her. Me... not so much. Honestly, the only reason I ran was because I wanted the track sweater you get and my parents told me that I couldn't keep it if I didn't finish the season. I stuck out that miserable purgatory and earned my sweater, and then my freshman year of high school I put it in my locker and someone stole it. Sigh... I still am bitter to this day about that. At least I entertained a lot of people that season hefting my red-faced chubby little ass around the track.

Anyway, since then I actually spent some time running (and lost 60lbs) and was able to get pretty good at it, and for a while I was fairly dedicated. When I was unemployed I ran 4-5 miles a day for a month. I got a job a short while later, where I met Justin. After some talking we learned that we both liked to run, and Justin suggested that we start training to run the Columbus Half-Marathon in October. I told him he was a fucking lunatic and there was no way I would be doing that, but eventually I came around because I wanted a running buddy and I figured seven months to train was doable since I could already run 6 miles.

But Cake Betch, how do you train for a half marathon?

I'm so glad you asked.

According to MarathonRookie.com, this is is what your schedule should look like:

10-Week Half Marathon Training Schedule

Week	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat	Sun	Total
1	3	Rest	3	3	Rest	4	Rest	13
2	3	Rest	4	3	Rest	5	Rest	15
3	3	Rest	4	3	Rest	6	Rest	16
4	3	Rest	5	3	Rest	8	Rest	19
5	3	Rest	5	3	Rest	10	Rest	21
6	4	Rest	5	4	Rest	11	Rest	24
7	4	Rest	6	4	Rest	12	Rest	26
8	4	Rest	5	4	Rest	9	Rest	22
9	3	Rest	4	3	Rest	8	Rest	18
10	3	Rest	3	Walk 2	Rest	13.1	Rest	21.1

This is what our schedule actually looked like:

10-Week Half Marathon Training Schedule

Week	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thur	Fri	Sat	Sun	Total
1	Rest	3	Rest	Rest	Rest	Drink	Drink	3
2	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Drink	Drink	0
3	Rest	Rest	2	Rest	Rest	Drink	Drink	2
4	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	2.5	Drink	Drink	2.5
5	3	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Drink	Drink	3
6	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Drink	Drink	0
7	Rest	Rest	Rest	2	Rest	Drink	Drink	2
8	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	Drink	Drink	0
9	Rest	Rest	Rest	Rest	3	Drink	Drink	3
10	Rest	2	Rest	Rest	Rest	Drink	Drink	2

Just a taaaaaad bit different.

Here's what we did to achieve this level of awesomeness: We would meet at some metro park and knock out anywhere from 2-3 or so miles for about 30 minutes. Afterward we'd take a walk to cool down, hop in the car, and drive over to BW3's. We then would proceed to eat boneless wings and drink two or three 22-oz glasses of beer. It was the best training program I have ever been on.

I probably do not have to tell you that we did not run the Columbus Half Marathon (which is this Sunday btw). We had a damn good time training for it though. I'd highly recommend our strategy to anyone... unless of course you actually plan to run a half or full marathon.

Family Christmas Letter - 2009

Okay so you may or may not have been confused by the picture of me in the three-sizes-too-small Christmas appliqué sweater and awesome glasses if you saw that I had the honor of being Curmudgeon of the Week. And btw, it was the previous post, the one I made this morning, the one right below this one... so anyway, I thought that since she said she had plenty of Curmudgeons to last her through the holidays that mine would be posted around that time (and the Christmas bear sweater would be a little more appropriate). But my hand is forced, so here is the story:


Every year Justin and I both receive at least one of those horrid Christmas letters that absolutely drive you bat shit insane and make you question your own genes. Sometimes they're even accompanied by family photos, or pictures of the little crotch fruits (hands down the BEST reference to children I've ever heard by another one of my favorite Bloggers - Midwestern Mama). They're always pious and self-indulgent while managing to be infuriatingly superior. It's disgusting.


So as revenge a joke we decided that we'd take 'family Christmas photos' together and send them to our friends and family. After we got dressed up and in makeup (Justin used an entire bottle of my $8.00 mascara while creating his facial hair and eyebrow) and took the pictures we realized we should just go ahead and write a letter as well. Below is our Christmas Letter of 2009. Stay tuned this coming December for the 2010 version. And in case you're wondering, yes, I think we pissed off some of our family members and alienated a few of our friends who didn't realize we had such colorful freak flags. Enjoy!

Blessed and hallowed happy holiday season to our family, loved ones, friends, and a most honorable Feast of Qot baVol to our Klingon chat room komrades. ”Jach vaD Quch Daq joH'a', Hoch SoH puHmey!” to you too!

This year has been a truly wondrous and fruitful one; we can only hope that this seasons greeting reaches your family in a similar condition, though the possibility of besting our annum must be slim. Where to begin… 

We moved into a new abode – new to US anyway! – one that affords ample space for our weekly Dungeons and Dragons quests. The lair stands at a solid 111.483 m² and Justin believes that the materials used to construct our dwelling were fabricated by Vikings. Although they are not native to this area, Justin has an incredible sensitivity to the origins of architecture. For the first time ever we are offered adequate bathing facilities due our disposition (although Justin’s rash is clearing up nicely and the doctor believes there will be minimal scarring). By using the lavatory located in the basement, Justin has really done wonders to lessen the smell permeating the house and all the linens (my hair is beginning to smell normal once more!). 

Tara is still actively involved in her celebrity look-alike vegetable collection. She recently added an uncanny Jersey Royal potato Jack Nicholson and is very excited to blog about her find. She has also reached the level of Grand Magistrate in her Lord of the Rings role playing guild. She has been working tirelessly with other concerned members of the community and within her Prevention and Eradication group on the annihilation of the Agrilus Planipennis Fairmaire, more commonly referred to as the Emerald Ash Borer. The invasive, wood-boring beetle has attacked the flesh of our mother earth trees in 13 states and was originally discovered in Michigan. Tara asks that you do your part this year to help put a stop to the merciless slaughter of our arboreal friends by promising not to move firewood from one location to another.

Justin has also been busy this year. He recently completed a tour of the elementary schools in Columbus, warning of the dangers of the frontal hug. Work has been going well; he’s only electrocuted himself four times this year! He has experienced no major side effects, but is still unable to focus one eye. Irritable bowel symptoms are a thing of the past now due in large part to his prosthetic derriere. He is able to venture out into public now for nearly three hours without incident! We are finally able to participate in our weekly Kathak classes, which is the ancient storytelling dance of India (we were declined membership due to one of his ‘incidents’ until something could be done to curb them).

We hope your Christmas brings much joy and happiness and that Santa fulfills all your Yuletide wishes. I know WE’RE both hoping Santa got our letter including our much needed support socks and panty hose!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Some notes:


- We really do have a clawfoot bathtub, a sink, and toilet in our basement. We were told when the house was built (1906) that men and women did not bathe together and so they built a bathroom in the basement. CREEEEEPY!


- Dangers of the frontal hug inspired by the extremely informative and highly motivational Christian Side Hug Rap video. AMAZING video. I have no idea how they keep a straight face through this, but props to them.

I'm a Curmudgeon!

So this morning I got to work and pulled up my Google reader and lo and behold, I'm the Curmudgeon of the Week! How did this happen?

I'm totally going to plug The Sassy Curmudgeon now and not because she honored me by making me Curmudgeon of the Week (in last year's Christmas Sweater Photo), but because I love her, her childhood unibrow, and her blog. How can you not love someone who is posts amazing pictures of herself as a kid, things we all do but might not put so elegantly into words, and scenes from a marriage? (Those are three of my favorite posts btw).

I mean, her tag line above the follow button reads "Let's all join together like my childhood unibrow." So succinct! I actually think that her photographer hubby Jeff posted my curmudgeonly entry today because Sassy is on vacation, but you get the picture.

If you haven't checked her blog out (all of you 8 or so followers I have, you get the nod of solidarity) you should do so immediately.

<3 Cake Betch

Fun with Kaiser

I love my dog, I really do, but he is awesome at causing me problems: emotionally, mentally, socially, and financially.

For the first month or two we had him we basically had no lives. We rarely looked up from the floor, and we spent more time outside (in the freezing weather in December) trying to get him to pee outside instead of all over our floors. He also has an extraordinarily sensitive stomach, and was plagued with diarrhea. I literally spent almost $1,000 in vet bills over the course of the first month trying to clear this problem up, only to take matters into our own hands and change his dog food. Voila! That would have been great advice from the vet instead of the medications we pumped him full of. 


All of the conversations we had over the first two months of his life with us can be neatly summed up in this colorful pie chart:

I think if you click the picture it will link to a larger version. I don't know though, cause I just am not that talented with HTML.


Here are other fun and expensive experiences we've had with Kaiser:

Drugged after invasive surgery

• He developed a kidney infection around five months old and started pissing all over the house again, literally every 10 minutes. Back on meds he went.
• He developed Cherry Eye in his right eye, which magically went away. Then it popped up into his left eye, where it remains to this day, screaming, "THIS IS GONNA COST YOU LOTS OF MONEY TO FIX!"
• One of his testicles did not drop, which meant he had to have invasive surgery, similar to what a female dog goes through when she is spayed. They told me it could be right below the surface or it could be as far back as his kidneys. The FIRST vet we went to (the one that charged me $1,000 over a month instead of telling me to switch his food....) gave me a $900 max quote - and she charged by the MINUTE. We ended up taking him to another vet and thankfully that lil nut wasn't as deep as they thought, but it still cost over $500.
• One day while he was at dog daycare (don't judge! we both work 8-5!) he stood over an old Akita and got his leg bitten. It swelled up to the size of a softball and he was on antibiotics for almost two weeks.
• Two visits to dog daycare later he was playing with a group of dogs and another dog BIT OFF A PIECE OF HIS EAR. He had it pressure bandaged for a week, and when we tried to remove it, it appeared as though the bottom half of his ear had liquefied. It was around this time he started coughing and throwing up as well, and we realized he had ALSO brought home a mild case of kennel cough. Back to the vet he went to the tune of over $200 - and he came home with flea and tick preventative, because he had picked up some fleas while he was at daycare too.

That was two weeks ago. Want to know what's new this week??? THIS:

Oh Kaiser. My mother graciously agreed to take him to the vet yesterday while I was at school. They're not sure what the growth is but they put him back on medication (surprise!) and want us to soak his foot every day in Epsom salt for a total of 10 minutes. They also recommended that he have surgery as soon as possible for the Cherry Eye, at which time they can remove this growth and also a mobile lump I found on his shoulder blade last week. BTW - there are two options for correcting Cherry Eye, one of which involves just hacking the gland out and then having to put eye drops in his eye for the rest of his life. I'm sure he'd fucking LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE that. For those of you who have never attempted to force a 115lb exuberant puppy with a brain the size of a walnut to do something he doesn't want to do, imagine trying to do needlepoint while riding a bucking bronco. The tune of this upcoming multiple surgery is anywhere from $600 - $900. 


PERFECT! Right before Christmas and when I'm working reduced hours so that I can go to school. Perfect, Kaiser. My little master of timing. Did I mention Kaiser isn't even a year old yet? Yeah. We've got SO MUCH FUN in store for us in the short amount of time he has left, since Danes only live an average of 8-10 years.


So now that I've done tons of hating on him, a few cute pictures of times that make it totally worth it:

GIVE ME KISSES!

The best Dane cuddle you can get without being crushed

He looks like the deer you see on the side of the road...

And then he flew away

Back when it was still possible to lift him

Hard to believe he was ever this small