Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Family Christmas Letter - 2009

Okay so you may or may not have been confused by the picture of me in the three-sizes-too-small Christmas appliqué sweater and awesome glasses if you saw that I had the honor of being Curmudgeon of the Week. And btw, it was the previous post, the one I made this morning, the one right below this one... so anyway, I thought that since she said she had plenty of Curmudgeons to last her through the holidays that mine would be posted around that time (and the Christmas bear sweater would be a little more appropriate). But my hand is forced, so here is the story:

Every year Justin and I both receive at least one of those horrid Christmas letters that absolutely drive you bat shit insane and make you question your own genes. Sometimes they're even accompanied by family photos, or pictures of the little crotch fruits (hands down the BEST reference to children I've ever heard by another one of my favorite Bloggers - Midwestern Mama). They're always pious and self-indulgent while managing to be infuriatingly superior. It's disgusting.

So as revenge a joke we decided that we'd take 'family Christmas photos' together and send them to our friends and family. After we got dressed up and in makeup (Justin used an entire bottle of my $8.00 mascara while creating his facial hair and eyebrow) and took the pictures we realized we should just go ahead and write a letter as well. Below is our Christmas Letter of 2009. Stay tuned this coming December for the 2010 version. And in case you're wondering, yes, I think we pissed off some of our family members and alienated a few of our friends who didn't realize we had such colorful freak flags. Enjoy!

Blessed and hallowed happy holiday season to our family, loved ones, friends, and a most honorable Feast of Qot baVol to our Klingon chat room komrades. ”Jach vaD Quch Daq joH'a', Hoch SoH puHmey!” to you too!

This year has been a truly wondrous and fruitful one; we can only hope that this seasons greeting reaches your family in a similar condition, though the possibility of besting our annum must be slim. Where to begin… 

We moved into a new abode – new to US anyway! – one that affords ample space for our weekly Dungeons and Dragons quests. The lair stands at a solid 111.483 m² and Justin believes that the materials used to construct our dwelling were fabricated by Vikings. Although they are not native to this area, Justin has an incredible sensitivity to the origins of architecture. For the first time ever we are offered adequate bathing facilities due our disposition (although Justin’s rash is clearing up nicely and the doctor believes there will be minimal scarring). By using the lavatory located in the basement, Justin has really done wonders to lessen the smell permeating the house and all the linens (my hair is beginning to smell normal once more!). 

Tara is still actively involved in her celebrity look-alike vegetable collection. She recently added an uncanny Jersey Royal potato Jack Nicholson and is very excited to blog about her find. She has also reached the level of Grand Magistrate in her Lord of the Rings role playing guild. She has been working tirelessly with other concerned members of the community and within her Prevention and Eradication group on the annihilation of the Agrilus Planipennis Fairmaire, more commonly referred to as the Emerald Ash Borer. The invasive, wood-boring beetle has attacked the flesh of our mother earth trees in 13 states and was originally discovered in Michigan. Tara asks that you do your part this year to help put a stop to the merciless slaughter of our arboreal friends by promising not to move firewood from one location to another.

Justin has also been busy this year. He recently completed a tour of the elementary schools in Columbus, warning of the dangers of the frontal hug. Work has been going well; he’s only electrocuted himself four times this year! He has experienced no major side effects, but is still unable to focus one eye. Irritable bowel symptoms are a thing of the past now due in large part to his prosthetic derriere. He is able to venture out into public now for nearly three hours without incident! We are finally able to participate in our weekly Kathak classes, which is the ancient storytelling dance of India (we were declined membership due to one of his ‘incidents’ until something could be done to curb them).

We hope your Christmas brings much joy and happiness and that Santa fulfills all your Yuletide wishes. I know WE’RE both hoping Santa got our letter including our much needed support socks and panty hose!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

Some notes:

- We really do have a clawfoot bathtub, a sink, and toilet in our basement. We were told when the house was built (1906) that men and women did not bathe together and so they built a bathroom in the basement. CREEEEEPY!

- Dangers of the frontal hug inspired by the extremely informative and highly motivational Christian Side Hug Rap video. AMAZING video. I have no idea how they keep a straight face through this, but props to them.


  1. I still have this card pinned to my bulletin board. I can't wait for a new one this year.

  2. This is a classic!
    I needed something hilarious to perk me up...
    thanks for providing it to me!

  3. Seriously.... those sweaters are E-P-I-C. You two are too cute together.

  4. Congratulations on being a Curmudgeon! I love your sweater, and think your letter is hilarious!

  5. Rachel - Jess & Paul have one pinned up in their kitchen right over their table.
    Pat - Glad I could help you out! :-)
    Annah - My grandma made those sweaters for us as kids and my mom kept them in a box in the basement. I made a special trip to my mom's house to get them. That bear sweater I have on was probably the sweater I wore when I was like 10 or 11... you can tell by the quarter length sleeves that aren't supposed to be quarter length.
    Maggie - Thanks! I have plenty more sweaters where that one came from :-D

  6. We MUST be neighbors! haha! A few years back I found a Christmas picture on the internet of three kids in the ugliest Xmas attire I had ever seen and photoshopped the heads of myself & two housemates onto the kid's head, had them made into postcards and sent those out at Christmas. It was endlessly funny (to us), and totally creepy (to everyone else), SCORE!
    I like the way you think.

  7. Your letter was EPIC! The two of you are made for each other... clearly.

  8. I must have one of those sweaters! I MUST! Loving your musings and have put a link on my blog to share the love with others! Congrats on your Curmudgeon-ness too!


  9. GoofyGirl - Great minds think alike :-)
    J-Bird - Thank you!
    Belle - Check out the thrift stores, I've heard a lot of people tell me they found some great sweaters there. And thanks for the link! Are the first two blogs on your page yours?

  10. Ahh - thank you. I believe one of those sweaters BELONGS on my next ski season.

    The blogs - one is a friend of mine who did the London marathon after having a pacemaker fitted at the ripe age of 30 - the other is just incredibly amusing for Brits to read. And has Discombobulated in the title. What's not to like!? Looking forward to your next installment :)

  11. Awesome! I would love to receive a Christmas letter like that! So much better than most I receive every year.

  12. ROTFLMAO. This is just awesomeness with a side of omg you're so fecking cool!
    If the Christmas Newsletters I got were like this-I wouldn't feel the need to scoop my eyes out with a spork.

  13. Amy - It went over pretty well for the most part, I was surprised at how many people really loved it.

    Sam - Lol thanks! I think we've hit on a trend here, everyone loves them.


Talk to the Cake Betch - I'll always respond. Unless you're a dick, then I'll just be mad.