Thursday, May 26, 2011

Guest Post: Nikki from My Cyber House Rules

Holy. Crap. I finished the guest blog, and it's only Thursday. And I put in plenty of pictures, so all you people that were pissed off at me for the last post can love me and give me web traffic and cyber hugs again.

SO! This month's guest blog is from Nikki at My Cyber House Rules (and you might know her as Marr Bulls from Be the Doll...). She sent me this guest post like fifty nine years ago and I promptly pushed her out for Justin's guest post and then had a mental breakdown and didn't do shit on it. So now, finally, it is finished. I'm sorry it took a fucking eon, Nikki. I hope you like it. And I hope all you cupcakes like it too. You can find her original blog at My Homies Wear Depends and Smell Like Mothballs.

Next up on guest blogs: Mike "Awesome Guy McGee". I don't know if he wants me to put his last name out there on the interwebz and I don't know if he has a webpage. If he does I'll get it from him and you can see him for yourself. And..... scene.

Living at a marina is totally like living in a retirement home. All the homies are like... well - old. Older than I am anyways.

I take my daily shower at the pool since showering in the boat is a pain in the old buttocks (maybe I am older than I want to admit, yeah, sure...). Yesterday as I was skipping my way to the showers, I came to a slow crawl as some lady got to the door before me. So I had to slowly very slowly follow her in. She stopped when she sensed me "you are being followed" I chanted behind her. With a smile. But the smile was wasted on her behind.

She finally makes her way to the shower corridor. Finally. I'm dying behind her! And she opens the first stall and stands behind it.

Okaaaaay... I start putting my stuff on the counter. And slowly wonder what it could possibly mean if she opens the door and stands behind it. Is she "reserving" that stall for herself? Am I supposed to walk around the door to one of the next stalls?

I'm new here, and I've never seen anything like this before! So, I do what any uncertain person would do: "Are using the first stall?" She shutters, or stutters, or whatever it was. "No I just want privacy!" Okaaaaaaay... I take my clothes off, pile it up on the counter because the bench is now off limits being blocked by the door to the 1st stall. I hang up my towel by my door and enter the shower. Close the door. Wonder if it's ok to close it since now she is exposed to whatever it was she wanted privacy from.


I'm in my shower taking my sweet ass time because that's what I do. I love long hot showers. It dawns on me that I still haven't heard my neighbor start her shower yet. But... whatever. Then IT happens: her hand is clutching my door. (Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm freaked out, what do I do???)

I stand frozen not knowing what the hell is happening. The shower door is one of those glazed over glass doors. Maybe it's Plexiglas, not important. What IS important is what she does next. She is still fully clothed and she is doing squats. Using my door for balance.

What the fuck? Where am I again?

Now I start taking even more time. Rinse. Apply again. Rinse. Condition. Leave in hair for 3-5 minutes. Pull out my cute little soap fuzzer thing (you should see it, it's a rubber ducky with a swim mask tied to a pooffer, I love it!) and pour some yummy smelling pink bubble gum soap on it (I know, this detail is not needed to the story, but if you ever do find some bubble gum smelling soap let me know, I want more of it and mine was a hotel sample).

By the time I am finally done she is still clutching and squatting. Up - down - up - down with her banana yellow t-shirt. What am I supposed to do? Yell out "watch your fingers" and slam the door open as I jump out and stand naked in front of her clamoring how privacy is so important to me too?

Really! WHAT is the public shower etiquette for old lady hanging on to your shower door as she does her morning exercises? Oh where is Martha Stewart when I need her? I slowly open the door, grab my towel and wrap it around me. (Sorry, no drawing for you... maybe next time *editor's note: here ya go:

I take all my stuff out of the shower, and close the door. She huffs. Looks at me like I'm a total moron and a very rude one at that. And opens the door again. "My privacy! Remember?" And huffs again.

Not sure about the etiquette, but giggling in these situations? Totally unavoidable. Totally. Sorry Martha, you'd be astounded by my rudeness after you were done laughing at her too! Oh, and let me tell you I took even more time after that! By now this is fun as she is OBVIOUSLY waiting for me to leave before she unveils her spectacular self. Privacy-shmivacy! You know how long it takes to puff-daddy comb my hair? As I stand there with nothing but my towel and my day dreams? FOR-EV-FUCKIN-VER!

Now she is standing behind her glazed over glass or plexiglas door waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. As I crawl around. Heh heh heh. See? I can be totally devilish... I never did find out though if she took her shower or not. I got bored and left while totally repeating over and over in my head: " I will so blog about this tomorrow."

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Random Shiznit

So every once in a while the fact that I'm totally out of ideas for stupid pictures and stories creeps up to bite me in the ass along with the fact that I want to write about stuff that doesn't necessarily include stupid pictures and stories. Every time I post one of these I'm always like, "OH NOES if I don't post pictures I'm going to lose followers!"

So here's a stupid picture to start:

Okay, now that I've got your attention and love back, I have a few things to say:

1.) HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW BLOG HEADER? My BNF (Best Neighbor Forever) from another state, Goofy Girl from There Is Grandeur in This View of Life, made it for me. I was all, "I fucking suck and have no ideas even though I'm supposed to do this for a living." And BAM, she sends me a new header. <3

2.) I have a guest post over here at I AM BMAC. Bryant says I'm a fruit fly! Woot! He also lies and says my blog is "wildly popular"(<~~ hahahaha) so that's fun. Also there is a picture of me (a REAL picture) over there so if you want to see a picture that I didn't take in a bathroom mirror, there you go. Now go read Bryant's blog!

3.) I got ANOTHER blog award. I know, right, what the fuck is wrong with people?? I received the Versatile Blogger Award from Peevie Juice. Peevie Juice is such a weird name, right? Sounds kind of perverted. But it's actually not, he says it's a Scottish term for "drunk", so his name is Drunk on Juice. My kind of guy. Plus he's weird. So we are instant friends. Since I've gotten this before and I'm afraid to scare ya'll off with more text and no pictures I'm just going to pimp him out and thank him (THANKS PEEVIE JUICE) and not repost it.
EDIT: So I'm a huge asshole and forgot that Ashley at Perpetually Me gave me this award back on May 15th. I'm going to blame the drugs I'm on (prescribed of course). But it's still no excuse for forgetting because Ashley is an awesome blogger and super sweet. Sorry Ashley, please forgive me!

WAIT DON'T LEAVE, I have another picture!!

4.) Keith has a blog too (The Keith Miles) and draws super cute pictures too. He told me on Saturday that he was waiting for me to comment on his pictures and I didn't and he was sad and it broke my heart. So I drew myself as a dinosaur for Keith. Go visit Keith and love him! Seriously, or I'll cutcha.

That's all for now. I swear to fuck I'm drawing a guest post that I got like four years ago and I'll hopefully have it done by Friday. Until then, find me on Twitter, cause I can do that from my phone (read: it's easy so I do it more often).

Friday, May 13, 2011

I'm the Best Girlfriend Evar

Justin is always telling me what an awesome girlfriend I am, and asking me how it's possible that I became so amazing and awesome. It wasn't easy, let me tell you. But after he asked me enough I thought that I should probably put together a blog post so that other women may follow in my footsteps in an attempt to be amazingly awesome as well. It's worked really well for me so far, so it must be good, right?

1.) Make sure you have some kind of alcohol in your system at all times.

1a.) For those nights that you have a LOT of alcohol in your system (which should be most nights), make sure you either a.) break down and cry about something REALLY stupid, b.) get angry and start a fight over something REALLY stupid, or c.) get so inebriated that your boyfriend has to get you off the kitchen floor to go to bed. Having to take care of you makes him feel super manly and protective.

2.)Insist on going out to eat almost every night of the week and then complain about how fat you are. Men love getting the opportunity to reaffirm you and build your confidence up. You should complain about your body once every hour or so; more if you're eating.

3.) Belch, pretty much nonstop. Make sure to do so in the middle of a conversation, while watching a scary movie, or while talking with his grandmother on the phone. He will appreciate your willingness to be gassy in front of him cause it shows you're being 'real'.

4.) Do not cook anything. Ever, ever, ever. If you do slip up and cook dinner one night make sure that it tastes terrible. Your boyfriend be endeared to you because you are such a dumbass in the kitchen. That's super cute.
That is a real pancake I tried to make last year. The dog won't even eat it. 
5.) If he's a computer geek like my boyfriend, force him to download such artists as Avril Lavigne, Lady Gaga, and Miley Cyrus. Then sing to them LOUDLY while you are driving somewhere together. He loves to hear your singing voice and will probably fall more in love with you.

6.)  Speaking of driving, make him drive everywhere. He'll feel much more manly when he's chauffeuring driving you around town. Don't give him any gas money either, he'll feel like you're emasculating him.

7.) Instead of letting him play video games at night, insist on watching a romantic movie, or perhaps a movie from your childhood. I just bought The Last Unicorn on Blueray but I think I'll wait until the next time he wants to play Call of Duty to spring it on him. He'll love your spontaneity and girly soft side, even if he pretends not to.

8.) Shower two or three times a week at best. Your man loves your 'natural smell'. After two or three days you'll have natural smell in SPADES! Bonus points if you go for a week at a time.

9.) Bring home a 118lb dog with a brain the size of a walnut and all the commen sense that implies. Do a poor job of training him as a puppy and let your boyfriend handle him when you're out in public so that if your dog acts like an asshole the boyfriend can take the blame for it. Of course he'd never want you to look bad so this is totally cool with him.

Obviously the pick of the litter. 

10.) Don't shave your legs from September to April. Let those gams grow some hair. This will make your boyfriend feel manly and primal when he sees your silky leg fur blowing gently in the breeze. If your legs do not resemble small pine trees you are doing something wrong.

Good luck ladies! Please, if you follow this guide, send me your pictures / success stories! A system has to be proven to be accepted!

picture source
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