Thursday, May 26, 2011

Guest Post: Nikki from My Cyber House Rules

Holy. Crap. I finished the guest blog, and it's only Thursday. And I put in plenty of pictures, so all you people that were pissed off at me for the last post can love me and give me web traffic and cyber hugs again.

SO! This month's guest blog is from Nikki at My Cyber House Rules (and you might know her as Marr Bulls from Be the Doll...). She sent me this guest post like fifty nine years ago and I promptly pushed her out for Justin's guest post and then had a mental breakdown and didn't do shit on it. So now, finally, it is finished. I'm sorry it took a fucking eon, Nikki. I hope you like it. And I hope all you cupcakes like it too. You can find her original blog at My Homies Wear Depends and Smell Like Mothballs.

Next up on guest blogs: Mike "Awesome Guy McGee". I don't know if he wants me to put his last name out there on the interwebz and I don't know if he has a webpage. If he does I'll get it from him and you can see him for yourself. And..... scene.

Living at a marina is totally like living in a retirement home. All the homies are like... well - old. Older than I am anyways.

I take my daily shower at the pool since showering in the boat is a pain in the old buttocks (maybe I am older than I want to admit, yeah, sure...). Yesterday as I was skipping my way to the showers, I came to a slow crawl as some lady got to the door before me. So I had to slowly very slowly follow her in. She stopped when she sensed me "you are being followed" I chanted behind her. With a smile. But the smile was wasted on her behind.

She finally makes her way to the shower corridor. Finally. I'm dying behind her! And she opens the first stall and stands behind it.

Okaaaaay... I start putting my stuff on the counter. And slowly wonder what it could possibly mean if she opens the door and stands behind it. Is she "reserving" that stall for herself? Am I supposed to walk around the door to one of the next stalls?

I'm new here, and I've never seen anything like this before! So, I do what any uncertain person would do: "Are using the first stall?" She shutters, or stutters, or whatever it was. "No I just want privacy!" Okaaaaaaay... I take my clothes off, pile it up on the counter because the bench is now off limits being blocked by the door to the 1st stall. I hang up my towel by my door and enter the shower. Close the door. Wonder if it's ok to close it since now she is exposed to whatever it was she wanted privacy from.


I'm in my shower taking my sweet ass time because that's what I do. I love long hot showers. It dawns on me that I still haven't heard my neighbor start her shower yet. But... whatever. Then IT happens: her hand is clutching my door. (Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm freaked out, what do I do???)

I stand frozen not knowing what the hell is happening. The shower door is one of those glazed over glass doors. Maybe it's Plexiglas, not important. What IS important is what she does next. She is still fully clothed and she is doing squats. Using my door for balance.

What the fuck? Where am I again?

Now I start taking even more time. Rinse. Apply again. Rinse. Condition. Leave in hair for 3-5 minutes. Pull out my cute little soap fuzzer thing (you should see it, it's a rubber ducky with a swim mask tied to a pooffer, I love it!) and pour some yummy smelling pink bubble gum soap on it (I know, this detail is not needed to the story, but if you ever do find some bubble gum smelling soap let me know, I want more of it and mine was a hotel sample).

By the time I am finally done she is still clutching and squatting. Up - down - up - down with her banana yellow t-shirt. What am I supposed to do? Yell out "watch your fingers" and slam the door open as I jump out and stand naked in front of her clamoring how privacy is so important to me too?

Really! WHAT is the public shower etiquette for old lady hanging on to your shower door as she does her morning exercises? Oh where is Martha Stewart when I need her? I slowly open the door, grab my towel and wrap it around me. (Sorry, no drawing for you... maybe next time *editor's note: here ya go:

I take all my stuff out of the shower, and close the door. She huffs. Looks at me like I'm a total moron and a very rude one at that. And opens the door again. "My privacy! Remember?" And huffs again.

Not sure about the etiquette, but giggling in these situations? Totally unavoidable. Totally. Sorry Martha, you'd be astounded by my rudeness after you were done laughing at her too! Oh, and let me tell you I took even more time after that! By now this is fun as she is OBVIOUSLY waiting for me to leave before she unveils her spectacular self. Privacy-shmivacy! You know how long it takes to puff-daddy comb my hair? As I stand there with nothing but my towel and my day dreams? FOR-EV-FUCKIN-VER!

Now she is standing behind her glazed over glass or plexiglas door waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. As I crawl around. Heh heh heh. See? I can be totally devilish... I never did find out though if she took her shower or not. I got bored and left while totally repeating over and over in my head: " I will so blog about this tomorrow."


  1. I love Nikki's writing and have been following her for a long time.

    Great guest post.

  2. I remember reading this one on her blog and I loved it the first time, but reading a second time with these awesome visuals was even better!

    Hey, what happened to Nikki anyway? I never see her around anymore... *sad face*

  3. OMG, this sounds like something similar that happened to me at a health and fitness center I used to go to. I totally did the same thing. Took my sweet old time. People are just rude.

  4. Two great talents produce very entertaining work.

  5. new follower from robyn's blog.

    dude this story is hil-air. love it! love the imagery as well. awesome touch.

  6. p.s. laughed so hard i scared my cat, figured i should share that 'banana yellow shirt' ha ha, that alone made me chuckle.

  7. Oilfield - I will accept praise on both our behalves. Gracias.
    Minute Man's Wife - I'm not sure, I better FB her and tell her I finally got her blog post up. She did comment on my last one on Tuesday though.
    Bouncin' Barb - I hate gyms and fitness centers just for this reason. That and I'm chubby and pale and get a really red face when I work out.
    Rawknrobyn - Thanks my dear :-)

  8. Ally - You snuck in there on me. Glad to have you!! :-D

  9. haha, thats one creepy situation xD
    and, its your fault if i have sarah jessica parker nightmare tonight xD

  10. Laughing Vault - While I shall dream of kitties in fields of cocaine. Hahaha.

  11. That is killer funny, and bizarre as hell. Great accompanying artwork. I'm off to check out her blog.

  12. Lurve, Lurve, Lurve!!! Awesome job on both of your parts. Maybe the old lady just needs an asshat to make her smile - oh, how bout an assshowercap???

  13. That story was too in a marina and all I'll there is lots of tales to tell.

  14. Tara,

    Very nice work. Love the illustrations! Mad props go out to you and Nikki, the guest blogger.
    This story was a nice beginning to my weekend :)

    And in response to your response of my comment posted the other day... you're HOT. Let's leave it at that.

    Oh, and just curious, does having a more detailed profile increase the number of readers/followers you have?

    Beers it is, cool. I'm game whenever you guys are. Justin has my info so whenever you want to get together just have him send me a text.



  15. Tara, I really enjoy your drawings. You're quite talented.

    And...that story was just a whole ball of awkwardness. Whenever crap like this happens to me, I'm always thinking, "Oh, you just wait, I'm gonna blog about this tonight. TONIGHT!"

  16. TS Hendrik - Thanks, and enjoy! Nikki's awesome.
    laughingmom - OMG and then she could wear it outside when it rained so her hair didn't get wet!! Maybe cover the whole thing with a poncho!
    Chuck - I've never lived in a marina but I've spent plenty of time on the water and the way of life there is just a tad bit different.
    It's nice though :-)
    Jarrod - Thanks :-) And I don't know about the detailed profile, mine is really not very detailed. I know when I find new people I always look at their profile and if they don't have one I feel a little disappointed. I don't know why. Interacting with others and getting on twitter helps too. Hope you have a good weekend!
    ShanimalsCrackers - Aww thanks Shans. And yes, I totally do too. I was trying to make mental notes of blogs I do all night yesterday. :-P

  17. Tara,

    Thanks for the advice. I am on twitter but I need to get followers. And I don't think many of my friends or family on twitter.

    Hey, I just got an idea, if you know of anyone(including your boyfriend) who is a sports fanatic that is on twitter maybe you could get them to follow me @jargobright?

    Also, tell Justin I loved his guest post. I can totally imagine him working (or i should say reading) at his desk an being interrupted. And then getting annoyed once he has been interrupted. In fact, I remember me being the culprit on more than a few occasions when I worked there.

    That brings me to another point, which is if you have the time(and I know that's a big if), maybe you could do a separate blog just about your and Justin's life? Not a daily, or even weekly, but maybe once a month or so. I'm sure it would be awesome.

    Sorry to keep blowing up ur inbox, as I know it can become tiresome reading and responding to comments. Of course, being a fellow blogger I know there is a certain amount of satisfaction you get in reading comments. Most of them, however, aren't as long winded as mine. Sorry about that, it's the writer in me. ;)

  18. wait, I just realized that as I had read some of you're older posts that is what you were doing...sharing some funny excerpts of your guys' life. doh! anyway, if you could keep that up, that would be great, you guys always keep me entertained and wanting to come back for more.

  19. Jarrod - You knew I had a twitter and you haven't followed me? For shame. I just pimped you on there. You need to add some kind of picture and a link to your blog (not just in tweets) and then you need to start looking for people and following people you're interested. It's kind of a rolling down hill effect.
    And OMG I know. I had to hear stories about it ALL THE TIME until he finally came up with that blog. I think he has given up on reading at work. And yes, I love comments, and I don't mind responding to long ones.
    About 99% of the blogs are stories about me, us, the dog, or my childhood. We're kind of fat and boring and not getting into trouble like we used to so we're not as exciting. If I wrote a blog strictly about us the only people that would read would be you and my mom :-D :-D :-D

  20. THIS is what separates you from every day normal bland bloggers to the real McCoy! This my dear Cake Betch was spectacular! My story stood out as way more interesting. I'm so thrilled! Your drawings and add-libings are totally rad! Plus that background with the pool - looks so real! 惄

    Kudos to you!

    p.s. does a slice of Cake Betch taste like chocolate? If so, you're in trouble!

    惄 my cyber house rules dot com

  21. Nikki Rules - Yaaaay I'm glad you like it :-D (And btw I did not draw that pool, I don't think that's what you meant but I wasn't sure).
    And I doubt it. It probably tastes like Cheetos and beer.

  22. You know what that shower's missing? A good beer.

    And no, that's not self advertising. That's just proper indulgence.

  23. A Beer for the Shower - You are absolutely right. I did have one with dinner though, so we'll call it even.

  24. kitties in fields of cocaine are way better than sarah jessica parker xD

  25. I'm really glad she didn't think it was a toilet or something. That's what I thought was coming.

  26. OMG--I peed my pants--mow I have to shower too!


  27. Laughing Vault - Haha that's very true, you win.
    Elliot MacLeod-Michael - Yeah I had no idea what was going to happen when I read it the first time. I'm still not sure what that old lady was thinking. Thanks for the follow! :-)
    John - Oh noes! Make sure to use the bathroom before you read the blog next time. You're going to ruin whatever chair or couch you're sitting on. No one likes to smell a peed up chair or couch.

  28. I, um, kinda do the same thing in parking lots when I know someone is waiting for my spot. I do it to the drivers who see the bags and keys in my hand and then slowly follow me until I get to my car. Chill out dude, and stop being such a creep! So I get in my car, comb my hair, reorganize my purse, count the change in the ashtray, write a novel, and then start to back up. (Oh the power! Mwhahaha). - G

  29. Georgina Dollface - Hahahaha I can't say that I have never done this before. Sometimes it's just so satisfying to make the creepers wait. However, I've also been one of those creepers before. Parking on campus and at the local malls can be a HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE PITA.

  30. This is brilliant! The story is hilarious in itself, but the pics just send it over the top. The expressions kill me. And I heart that monster-claw-hand in the first pic.

    I want you to do the illustrations for my memoir. (Don't worry, it's only like two pages long...)

  31. justmakingconvo - Absolutely. I would be honored. I will throw in unicorns too, for FREE.

  32. Ok, I'm a dude and I think I'm about to take my first bath 'cause of you. haha

  33. Copyboy - Oh don't be a quitter. You can probably go for much longer without cleaning yourself. I know I do.

  34. 1. What beautiful long blong hair you have!
    2. Love the blog makeover? I don't remember those chicks being there before? But I've never been known to be the most observant bunny in the bunch.
    3. You are fucken hilarious! Those little old ladies are creepy! I'm sorry, but i have had several as patients in the hospital, and they are the oddest little creatures. One lady would alert me that she was about to shit her "Depends" by saying, "I'm bubbling!" Just say "I'm going to shit my pants!" lady!

  35. Sandra - LOLZ on the beautiful long blond hair. Nikki keeps herself pretty under wraps so I was going off of the few pictures she has on her FB. The chicks have always been there, I feel like they represent an excellent blend of cute and utterly incompetent. I like that feel for my blog. The header and the nav bar are new. And I'm not sure how you deal with old ladies at the hospital. Someone has to do it, and it's a really wonderful thing, but I definitely could not handle shats and sponge baths. Shudder.

  36. You two apart are great enough, but together? That was fantabulous! :) Old people are so much fun to mess with, aren't they? And so unpredictable!

  37. Krissy - Aww, you're sweet Krissy. Old people ARE fun to mess with. And trip. But you didn't hear that from me.


  38. Oh CRAP! I already tripped an old person.... I didn't notice your disclaimer before tripping the old bastard. If I get in trouble, I think I am going to blame you if that is alright?

    Btw, funny post, funny guest bloggers.

  39. Rico Swaff - DAMMIT RICO. No. No you can't blame me. How do you read the comment and trip an old person that quickly?? I don't even know if I saw an old person that I could trip today.

  40. Your illustrations made me laugh so hard.
    Day= MADE!

  41. The story was VERY funny when I first read it at Nikki's blog when she published it. Now it's not just funny, it's friggin hilarious!!!

  42. PeaceLoveandSharpies - Lol awesome! I'm so glad! Also - I love Sharpies. Seriously. There's something so wonderfully magical about a brand new Sharpie.
    Pat - Thanks Pat! I'm glad you liked it. I hope you're not still on vacation because if you are you should be on the beach and not sitting at a computer my friend.

  43. I know I'm incredibly late to the party, but just think of the comments section as the give that keeps on giving. *Loved* the story and the illustrations! I need to know if that has become an ongoing interaction!

  44. TriGirl - I do! Getting all the wonderful comments is what keeps me motivated/going/writing the blog in the first place. I mean, not that I've written anything worthwhile in forever, but I'd rather not write than write something really stupid. You'll have to ask her! I have no idea if it ever happened again, but that would be hilarious!

  45. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  46. Lovely post, I really enjoy your drawing....!!


Talk to the Cake Betch - I'll always respond. Unless you're a dick, then I'll just be mad.