Wednesday, January 12, 2011

The Time My Dad Shivved Me

This is a ridiculous story from my childhood. I can't remember why I was discussing it but I remember asking my mom last week, "Remember when Dad stabbed me?"

I should probably preface this by saying that my dad is not a mean, cruel, or hurtful person in any way, shape, or form. Ironically enough my dad was all about safety when I was a kid (I had the bike helmet, knee pads, elbow pads, etc and I was forced against my will to wear them). So much so that my friends nicknamed him "Safety Sam" even though his real name is Steve which would have been another perfectly acceptable alliteration and actually preferable... but whatever. 

Anyway.

One night when I was about six we were sitting at the table eating dinner when dad picked his fork up and held it above my hand like he was going to stab me.
Thinking this little game was hilarious I quick pulled my hand away before the fork hit the table.

Haha! Look at me and my lightning fast reflexes!
Haha! This game is so much fun!
How was it even possible that I failed all my reaction-time tests at the science fair in our gym? I'm like quicksilver!

You know where this is going. In all my infinite wisdom I decided to see what he'd do if I didn't move my hand at all.


I still think this story is hilarious, and I remind my dad about it once every few years. To be fair he didn't actually hurt me very bad, maybe just broke the skin. I'm pretty sure I screamed like he had driven the fork through my hand and into the table though and made sure he felt guilty for it for a long time afterward. 

11 comments:

  1. I think it is spelled "shivved" or so says urban dictionary

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  2. Thanks Ben! I changed it :-D Apparently I'm not up on my prison lingo.

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  3. before I could even read this post my brain went "based on title alone... best blog post EVER" ... then I read it... & I still think so. :)

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  4. that is so funny! I'll bet your dad felt pretty bad about it at first!
    The last drawing is great. The look on your face is a classic!

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  5. Goofy - LOL! I don't know if it's my best, in fact I felt guilty that it was such a quick post, so I'm glad at least one person thought it was good.

    Pat - Oh he did. He never wanted to play that game again. Haha!

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  6. I remember when I first met your parents. One of the girls I worked with said that they always called your Dad "Safety Steve". I believe she was a friend of yours from yesteryear.
    I mentioned it to your Dad and he seemed a little put off by it. God love your Dad, he's probably still carrying the guilt.
    Jen

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  7. Yeah I know, I think the nickname insulted him a little but he was all about safety on my bike, on my roller blades, and in my car. I seriously doubt he still feels guilty though :-)

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  8. Your baby sister is following you now and is leaving her first comment! You must be so happy. I have Never heard this story. Why haven't I heard it before?

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  9. You should probably create a profile baby sister, instead of posting as anonymous. I'm not sure why you never heard this story before because I've told it more than once. You weren't born when it occurred anyway.

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  10. Erin England StoryMarch 21, 2011 at 3:23 PM

    Hey Tara,
    This is Erin Story. I was creepin your facebook and stumbled upon this Gem of a Story. I love your blog, p.s. Funny,awkward, stories about life are my favorite. I live for them actually, My name should be Awkward Story to tell you the truth!

    Anywho, I have met your dad...and he reminds me a lot of my father. They both were in the Navy, and they both had exactly the same job. I bet they would like eachother a lot. I actually had a very similar thing happen between my father and I around my 7th birthday. It involved him holding his hands up and teaching me how to throw a jab and uppercut. I thought it was a blast, and he would move his hands for me to follow. He moved his hands to the side for me to follow after about 5 minutes, thats when I clocked him right in the kisser. I knocked his two front teeth out.

    I wonder why our Dads deemed it appropriate to teach their little girls games played in prison?

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  11. Hey Erin! And HAHAHA!! Wow, he must have taught you well for you to KNOCK HIS TEETH OUT. That totally beats my story. Perhaps they are cut from the same cloth? I think that my dad just decided I'd be the 'son' of the family since he was cursed to hell for his youthful indiscretions with three daughters. Lol!

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Talk to the Cake Betch - I'll always respond. Unless you're a dick, then I'll just be mad.