Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Addition: The Ingrate Asshole

Did you ever read my blog about the different types of assholes? If not this won't make a ton of sense. You should check that out first.

And now - one of the assholes that I left out: The Ingrate Asshole

You know what I really appreciate? I appreciate it when traffic is bumper to bumper and I need to get over and someone slows down to let me over into their lane. Or someone at a red light waves and lets me make a turn in front of them onto the road. You know how I show my appreciation? A wave. It's really simple, it doesn't even have to be a wave. Sometimes I just jab my hand into the air and splay my fingers and show them my palm. It's super easy, it takes only a mere second, and I don't have to use any muscles other than the ones in my arm and voila!- I've shown that I appreciate someone being friendly and helpful.

So it really chaps my ass when I wave someone out in front of me or let someone over and they do not acknowledge what an amazing humanitarian I am. A few days ago someone did this to me - someone driving a GOLF CART.

I have to drive right through the middle of a golf course (don't ask me why they decided to split the damn thing in half with a road) to get to and from work every day. I already hate driving by golf courses because of the time a golf ball went through my dad's windshield when I was like three or four. Having glass in my hair and my mom screaming because she though I was hurt forever stamped a fear of golf courses in me.

So I'm driving and I come to a four way stop that leads to a neighborhood on either side. Since the golf course is right behind the the neighborhood it is not uncommon to see people driving their golf carts through this intersection. As I approach some older guy is sitting in a golf cart with his leg hanging off the side on the sidewalk giving me the stank eye. There was nothing wrong with his leg by the way, he was just making himself comfortable. Since he was already way ahead of me, I stop and wave at him to go ahead and cross. He continues to stare at me. I wave to him again to go ahead and cross. He continues to stare.

I wave once more. He finally sees me. Turns his head and starts to drive across the road.
Surely, this nice old man just looks like he's giving me the stank eye and is probably appreciative of the fact that this young kid has such good manners and is letting him drive his 200lb golf cart across the road at a mile per hour when instead she could have blazed through the intersection without even looking at him.

He's just going to get up to speed and then he'll wave, I'm sure.

No one is that big of a douche to not wave to someone in a car when they're driving through an intersection in a fucking golf cart in golf clothes they probably paid $500 for because they're rolling in dough and therefore think it's perfectly fucking normal to be golfing in the middle of the day on a work week.

No. Snubbed.

The next time I see that bastard driving his golf cart I'm going to wave him across the road again and when he takes off I'm going to pop the clutch and floor it at him. We'll see how smart and comfortable he feels in his fucking GOLF CART then.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Girly Survey

So I woke up this morning to discover that Goofy Girl over at There is Grandeur in this View of Life tagged me in a girly chain linky survey thing. I'm sitting under a blanket right now with my big dumb dog leaning on my arm and I'm procrastinating so that I don't have to start in on the gigantic overwhelming mound of school stuff I need to accomplish this weekend and for the next two weeks, so, here we go:

1. Why did you create the blog?
I think Goofy Girl hit the nail on the head when she said people usually start a blog because they like to write. I didn't really start my blog with the intention of it being a humor blog but it's not like anything exciting happens in my life so what the hell else am I going to write about? I do really enjoy making people laugh though, and I always love to get feedback and hear what people have to say on what I write. It's a great way to connect with people too.

2. What kind of blogs do you follow?
I think my favorite blogs typically tend to be: humorous blogs (whether they're strictly for comedy or the writer just happens to always have a good funny slant to their work), blogs about food, cake, or cupcakes, and blogs from people who have or are currently living in difficult times or have been through difficult situations. There might be one or two inspirational or otherwise random blogs thrown in there, but that generally tends to be where my interests lie. 

3. Favourite makeup brand?
Would you believe I really don't know? I know that I have been buying the same Cover Girl black eyeliner since the day I started wearing makeup (because that's the eyeliner my girlfriend used and I tried hers the first time I ever put on makeup). I'm pretty sure the eyeshadow I use is Cover Girl too, and maybe even the mascara. Honestly I don't put a whole lot of weight on the brand I'm using because I'm pretty cheap when it comes to buying makeup and if I can get it at Kroger I'm happy.

4. Favourite clothing brand? 
When you're built like me, your favorite clothing brand is whatever fits. I can tell you when I was thinner that I always looked amazing in Hydraulic jeans, but I don't know if they fit me anymore because I haven't bought a pair in a really long time and my old ones don't fit. Insert frowny face here.... I have a lot of things from American Rag that I really love. Both of those lines can be found at Macys btw. 

5. Your indispensable makeup product?

I wear eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, and blush and that's it. It takes me all of three minutes to put on. If it's a special night or I know I'll be getting lots of pictures taken I will wear foundation and powder. If I could only pick one I would probably go with eyeliner.

6. Your favourite colour?
Black to wear, cerulean blue to look at.

7. Your perfume?

I find that I never like any perfumes as much as I like the smell of men's cologne. Not that I wear cologne, I just kind of boycott perfumes because I'm holding out for them to make something that makes men climb the walls like the smell of Versace or Curve does to me. That being said, I have the original Very Sexy (not the nasty 'squared' version) from Victoria's Secret. I also wanted to buy some that Kat von D makes but I didn't feel like dropping $50 bucks. Perfume will last me for YEAAARS and that Very Sexy is still half full.

8. Your favourite film?

Hmmm. Usually I say 28 Days Later. I also could repeatedly watch: Frida, Hocus Pocus, The Nightmare Before Christmas, and A Life Less Ordinary.

9. What country would you like to visit and why?

I want to go to Italy. It's been a dream for years now. I don't want to just stop in for a week either, I want to go for like a month. In three years I'll have the opportunity to travel abroad for school and I'm thinking that if the suns and moons are aligned that maybe I'll live there for a quarter or a semester or something.

10. Write the last question and answer it yourself: When are you going to start your homework?
I don't know. It's the last thing I want to do. Seeing as how this is the end of the survey I guess it'll be in the next few minutes.

And now for the part where I tag three girls, because I do not believe any of the dudes I follow would be able to fill this out in it's entirety. The first two bloggers are chicks that are regular commenters on my blog and have their own super nifty blogs that you should check out. The third is Amy from Thirty-Six Ten who I believe has commented before but I can't remember. She has a pretty sweet blog with a lot of stuff about the jewelry she makes. 

Chi-Town Southerner
[ seriously?! ]
Thirty-Six Ten 

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I'm not Dead

Just sort of close. Like zombies but without the eating and stinking. Speaking of, has anyone else been watching Walking Dead? I hear it gets pretty sad. We've been making it a weekly Sunday ritual to drive over to my cousin's house (as we have no cable) and drink beers and watch zombies and cops with skeevy-ho wives.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone cares or even noticed that I've been out for a week but if so, here's my explanation.

I've been so busy with all the things I have going on that I haven't had any time to draw funny pictures or tell funny (?) stories. Last week heralded the start of my teachers giving us our 'big' quarter-end projects. I'm totally effing swamped in school-related work. You would think that drawing would be a piece of cake class, but it kicks my ass. I always leave that class feeling like a turd and like I'm never going to get into the program. I also am really neurotic about making sure I do everything I can to get an A which can really pile the stress on since your berth for bringing the big guns to the show is much wider in an artistic field than it would be in something like Business or Math or Engineering. After this quarter and after I submit my exam I think I will be able to stop being so stressed out. Until then I have to bust my ass.

That and my dad's 60th birthday was Sunday and the week leading up to it was pretty emotional. I wrote him a sappy letter as a present and it was the most difficult thing I've done in a long time because I had to really face the reality that he isn't going to be around forever. That of course goes for my mom too but since it isn't her birthday I didn't have to think about it. There was a lot of build-up to the party and then a bit of drama afterward and a few people with hurt feelings and so on and so forth. One of my best friends got some bad news about a family member. It's been a rough week and a half and I've just been extremely emotional and haven't had any spare time to get to the blog, let alone feel like trying to be funny.

I decided to go on a no refined sugar and no cheese kick this week but it was rainy here and class was canceled (because someone called a bomb threat in on one of the buildings I'm supposed to have class in this afternoon) and the only thing I want to do right now is drive to Cup O Joe and get a coffee and sit in the window and watch it rain. Oh yeah and I can take my Mac and my cat-glasses and look like a total hipster and it'll be awesome. Can't hang out at the coffee shop without trying to look like you're artsy and an activist and doing something super awesome important for the environment or local music scene on your Mac Book Pro.

Things should be calming down here (hopefully...) in the next week or so and I should be able to get around to drawing silly stupid pictures again.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Kaiser's First Birthday

Today is Kaiser's birthday in case you didn't catch that from the headline. Justin's birthday was last Wednesday (twenty nine!) and I told him he could guest post, but that didn't end up working out. He'll get around to it one of these days. However, since Kaiser can't guest post in honor if his birthday, I'll have to do it for him.

This is Kaiser one year ago (the smaller one in the back) at approximately 3lbs:

Here is what Kaiser looks like 365 days later at 118lbs:
Taken with Justin's iPhone... so not the best quality
And just for fun...

Kaiser is the master at destroying his bed. It's almost like he doesn't want to lay on something soft. In the past year we've gone through more towels, blankets, quilts, papasan cushions, and pillows than I'd care to count. Recently he's been sleeping with a mattress cover and a bath mat. The bath mat - since it is coated on the underside with plastic - has stood up fairly well but sheds hair all over. The blanket in his cage has been there for about two weeks.

Justin took the following picture yesterday:

What? What is that?

It's Kaiser! And he's torn a hole through his blanket AND managed to get it wrapped over his head. Justin took some video so we can better remember one more in a long line of Kaiser's blanket-victims.

Notice that a.) he still has some of the evidence caught in his big floppy dog lips and b.) he is unable to stand.

That's all I got for you. If you're interested there are more stupid videos that Justin has posted of us and Kaiser that you can check out here. Happy Monday!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tara Falls to the Sneaky Hate Spiral

Do you know what a sneaky hate spiral is? If you don't, you should just take yourself right over to  Sneaky Hate Spiral at Hyperbole and a Half. I almost hate to drop that link because those of you that I have tricked into thinking I am at all funny are immediately going to break up with me for Hyperbole. There is no funnier collection of blogs to be found. Once you have read that, then you'll understand mine.

The day was immediately terrible because I woke up 50 minutes late, so I had exactly 40 minutes to get ready, which is only enough time to get ready on days I don't have to wash my hair. Today was a day that I had to shower because I hadn't washed my hair... in three days. I'm a busy girl, don't judge. That's an extra hour and I just don't always have enough time in the day to look foxy. This means I'm going to be late for work, and I haaaaate being late. Hate it.

So I hop in and out of the shower and quick blow my hair dry. I don't have much time to spend on it and I haven't dyed it in a while, so not only is it flat, it is all wonky and my bangs are flipped out Farrah Fawcett style. I am irritated but can't do anything about it now.

I actually  make pretty good time to work... until the last stretch of road. Some woman in an old car puts her blinker on and slides in front of me, almost clipping my bumper. I briefly considered laying on my horn until her ears bled, but thought better of it. She then proceeds to drive ten miles under the speed limit in front of me. Remember my post about the different types of assholes? This asshole decided to take it to the city streets. Asshole.

I finally pull into work and park, and then I get to struggle with the 30lbs worth of computer bag, lunch bag, and planner I need to carry in with me. I should mention that I have a Judas spine that regularly goes out on me. It's been out for about three days, which means I can't move at all without entering my own personal hell of excruciating pain. Trying to navigate out of the car (which sits really low) with all my bags in tow is no easy feat, and I'm almost in tears as I squirm out.

I had a sweater in the trunk that I wanted to take inside so it was warm when I left for school later, so I struggle around to the back of the car and pop the truck.

 I drive a hatchback, and it is supposed to open hydraulically, then stay open. It's also pretty damn heavy. Without paying much attention I toss it up and lean in to grab my sweater. Then I discover the hydraulics aren't working anymore when the hatch slams down on my head, pushing me halfway into the car.

It is at this point I lose my fucking shit. I went from irritated to insane in about two seconds. Not only do I start spewing a string of expletives, I push it back into the air and then start punching the underside of the hatch. The last punch I threw knocked out a cover for my tail lights.

I recover pretty quickly, but not quickly enough, and then I close the trunk and look around to see if any of my coworkers just saw me go schizophrenic on the hatch of my car before walking in to start the day.

Something tells me I may need to take some yoga to relieve all the stress I've been under from school lately.

Oh who am I kidding. I'm just going to drink.