My Tuesdays and Thursdays are Killing Me

I am ridiculously stressed out about the month-long exam I have to complete to get into the Vis Comm program at OSU. Only 18 people get in every year and about 75 to 100 apply. I have to get in. I don't want to be any older than 30 when I'm back out in the 'real' world. I need this so bad I can taste it. Because of that I am severely stressed out. Everyone all quarter talked about how difficult the exam was, how they spent the entire month on it, bla bla bla. I've had it for 12 days (I think) and I've made progress, but I don't feel like I'm doing anything amazing or novel, which is what they're looking for. One part that is stressing me out the most - I have to explain how to change a tire on a car with no text, only drawings.

I realize I'm out of control, and I'm being ridiculous, but I can't help it. I think about the exam on the hour every hour I'm awake, and if I'm not working on it my stress level rises because I feel like I'm running out of time. When I do work on it I stress out because I feel like it has to be no less than perfect, and perfect is a pretty subjective thing when you're dealing with design.

So in order to make sure I have enough time to get this exam done, I kept to my schedule from this quarter which means I leave work at 12:30, get home at 1:00, and have the rest of the night to work on stuff for the exam. The last three weeks have been spent working on this tire problem, and this is basically how the day proceeds at one:


I get home and am optimistic, fresh, ready to draw.

I draw for about an hour. Realize that my ideas aren't very sweet and I'm not really coming up with anything new. I have to make this process make sense in a very small amount of space.

Okay, so things aren't going quite as swimmingly as I thought. That circle isn't very good, that part is confusing, how the fuck do I express with a drawing "in order to change a tire, you need these things:"?

Two or three hours have passed. I haven't made much progress and I'm still hung up on a few illustrations that just aren't performing like I want them to. I think, "This is the best I can do", then I think, "If I draw this ten more times, will it be better?" And I know the answer is yes. But I really, REALLY, don't want to draw it ten more times.


It's around this time I start inserting activities to break up the stress, to try to get back to ground zero. Anyone on my Facebook can testify to the fact that I generally don't update my status that often - except for Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I start updating statuses and commenting on other people's stuff like I've OD'ed on caffeine and have absolutely nothing else to do with myself. I can't help it. I need a distraction.

Usually this fails to help me. Looming right behind me is that fucking tire changing problem. Staring at the back of my head, waiting for me to remember that I need to work on it and recommence freaking out. Eventually I get back to it.

At this point (around 8:00pm) I'm pretty well fucked. Nothing makes sense, I've already started drinking, I've eaten everything in sight (Tara eats her feelings) and have cleaned, used the bathroom, fixed my makeup, opened and closed blinds, and paced around the room more than any sane person should.


At this point I'm coiled so tightly the slightest little problem could send me into a nuclear style melt down. I'm old so my eyes have been strained from six and a half hours of drawing and looking at the computer and not only can I not see straight, I can barely draw. My eyes are literally bloodshot and focusing independently of one another. 


There is only one thing left to do in order to be able to sleep after this:

It is what it is.


I should mention today is Thursday. And it's 8:40. That should be all the more explanation you need as to why my MS Paint drawings are a little more sloppy than they normally are and nothing has been proof-read. 

The one upside is I know I'm going to be sleeping pretty soundly tonight.

I'm not Dead

Just sort of close. Like zombies but without the eating and stinking. Speaking of, has anyone else been watching Walking Dead? I hear it gets pretty sad. We've been making it a weekly Sunday ritual to drive over to my cousin's house (as we have no cable) and drink beers and watch zombies and cops with skeevy-ho wives.

Anyway, I don't know if anyone cares or even noticed that I've been out for a week but if so, here's my explanation.

I've been so busy with all the things I have going on that I haven't had any time to draw funny pictures or tell funny (?) stories. Last week heralded the start of my teachers giving us our 'big' quarter-end projects. I'm totally effing swamped in school-related work. You would think that drawing would be a piece of cake class, but it kicks my ass. I always leave that class feeling like a turd and like I'm never going to get into the program. I also am really neurotic about making sure I do everything I can to get an A which can really pile the stress on since your berth for bringing the big guns to the show is much wider in an artistic field than it would be in something like Business or Math or Engineering. After this quarter and after I submit my exam I think I will be able to stop being so stressed out. Until then I have to bust my ass.

That and my dad's 60th birthday was Sunday and the week leading up to it was pretty emotional. I wrote him a sappy letter as a present and it was the most difficult thing I've done in a long time because I had to really face the reality that he isn't going to be around forever. That of course goes for my mom too but since it isn't her birthday I didn't have to think about it. There was a lot of build-up to the party and then a bit of drama afterward and a few people with hurt feelings and so on and so forth. One of my best friends got some bad news about a family member. It's been a rough week and a half and I've just been extremely emotional and haven't had any spare time to get to the blog, let alone feel like trying to be funny.

I decided to go on a no refined sugar and no cheese kick this week but it was rainy here and class was canceled (because someone called a bomb threat in on one of the buildings I'm supposed to have class in this afternoon) and the only thing I want to do right now is drive to Cup O Joe and get a coffee and sit in the window and watch it rain. Oh yeah and I can take my Mac and my cat-glasses and look like a total hipster and it'll be awesome. Can't hang out at the coffee shop without trying to look like you're artsy and an activist and doing something super awesome important for the environment or local music scene on your Mac Book Pro.

Things should be calming down here (hopefully...) in the next week or so and I should be able to get around to drawing silly stupid pictures again.