I am ridiculously stressed out about the month-long exam I have to complete to get into the Vis Comm program at OSU. Only 18 people get in every year and about 75 to 100 apply. I have to get in. I don't want to be any older than 30 when I'm back out in the 'real' world. I need this so bad I can taste it. Because of that I am severely stressed out. Everyone all quarter talked about how difficult the exam was, how they spent the entire month on it, bla bla bla. I've had it for 12 days (I think) and I've made progress, but I don't feel like I'm doing anything amazing or novel, which is what they're looking for. One part that is stressing me out the most - I have to explain how to change a tire on a car with no text, only drawings.
I realize I'm out of control, and I'm being ridiculous, but I can't help it. I think about the exam on the hour every hour I'm awake, and if I'm not working on it my stress level rises because I feel like I'm running out of time. When I do work on it I stress out because I feel like it has to be no less than perfect, and perfect is a pretty subjective thing when you're dealing with design.
So in order to make sure I have enough time to get this exam done, I kept to my schedule from this quarter which means I leave work at 12:30, get home at 1:00, and have the rest of the night to work on stuff for the exam. The last three weeks have been spent working on this tire problem, and this is basically how the day proceeds at one:
I get home and am optimistic, fresh, ready to draw.
I draw for about an hour. Realize that my ideas aren't very sweet and I'm not really coming up with anything new. I have to make this process make sense in a very small amount of space.
Okay, so things aren't going quite as swimmingly as I thought. That circle isn't very good, that part is confusing, how the fuck do I express with a drawing "in order to change a tire, you need these things:"?
Two or three hours have passed. I haven't made much progress and I'm still hung up on a few illustrations that just aren't performing like I want them to. I think, "This is the best I can do", then I think, "If I draw this ten more times, will it be better?" And I know the answer is yes. But I really, REALLY, don't want to draw it ten more times.
It's around this time I start inserting activities to break up the stress, to try to get back to ground zero. Anyone on my Facebook can testify to the fact that I generally don't update my status that often - except for Tuesdays and Thursdays, when I start updating statuses and commenting on other people's stuff like I've OD'ed on caffeine and have absolutely nothing else to do with myself. I can't help it. I need a distraction.
Usually this fails to help me. Looming right behind me is that fucking tire changing problem. Staring at the back of my head, waiting for me to remember that I need to work on it and recommence freaking out. Eventually I get back to it.
At this point (around 8:00pm) I'm pretty well fucked. Nothing makes sense, I've already started drinking, I've eaten everything in sight (Tara eats her feelings) and have cleaned, used the bathroom, fixed my makeup, opened and closed blinds, and paced around the room more than any sane person should.
At this point I'm coiled so tightly the slightest little problem could send me into a nuclear style melt down. I'm old so my eyes have been strained from six and a half hours of drawing and looking at the computer and not only can I not see straight, I can barely draw. My eyes are literally bloodshot and focusing independently of one another.
There is only one thing left to do in order to be able to sleep after this:
It is what it is.
I should mention today is Thursday. And it's 8:40. That should be all the more explanation you need as to why my MS Paint drawings are a little more sloppy than they normally are and nothing has been proof-read.
The one upside is I know I'm going to be sleeping pretty soundly tonight.