Monday, December 13, 2010

Open Letter to Shamansky Real Estate Holdings

Dear Shamansky Real Estate Holdings,

I'm not even sure if you're the actual owner of these apartment buildings because they're so shitty they don't have any name, sign, or webpage. The Auditor's webpage tells me that you are the proud owner of this mark of land that God shat on to create in 1963, so this letter is addressed to you, assuming you are responsible for the maintenance and cleaning work done here.

As you may or may not have noticed, your shitty little apartment complex is totally surrounded by houses. As such you not only need to think about your own jobless / crazy cat lady / sex offender residents, you need to be considerate of everyone else on the street whenever you are doing work that could be considered a disruption.

You know what this morning was? Monday. You know what I was doing at 5:29am?
SLEEPING! Good! Reasonable too, I might add, that you would think I was SLEEPING at FIVE TWENTY NINE AM.

Okay, now guess what I was doing at 5:30am?
SURPRISE! I'm startled awake by a horde of African killer bees descending upon my house!

Wait a minute.... that isn't a horde of killer bees... that sounds an awful lot like a snowblower. Maybe if I just wait a minute it'll stop and I can fall back asleep.

So, Shamansky, I got out of bed and went into the guest bedroom to see what could possibly be making so much fucking noise and GUESS WHAT? It was your maintenance team! Scraping the sidewalks and snow-blowing SO LOUD it sounded like you were cleaning out my eardrums.

If it was that loud in my house, across the street and one house down, I can only imagine how loud it was for your residents. One of your guys had taken his snow shovel right up to the door and was scraping against it. I'm guessing the residents had been up all night drinking and hitting the crack pipe and were too far gone to hear him, because if I were living there I probably would have opened my door and punched that guy in the face.

Now don't get me wrong, I understand that the service you provide here is a totally necessary one, and frankly, I wish someone would come scrape and snow-blow my sidewalks. However, I think maybe you can understand that FIVE THIRTY A.M. might not be the most appropriate time to be performing these services.

In closing, Shamansky, I just want to let you know that I'm going to be making a trip to my local hunting supplies store to pick up a high-powered rifle.
Then, if I ever get jarred out of my bed again by the sound of a snow blower at FIVE FUCKING THIRTY A.M., instead of lying in bed wishing hell would open up and swallow your entire shit-hole apartment complex, I will instead spend my lost hour of precious sleep brushing up on my target practice.

Thank you, and fuck off, you inconsiderate ass-hat bastards,

<3 Cake Betch


  1. wanna really freak them out? Forget the gun... just set up a sound system, turn it up to eleven and blare some Celine Dion. If that doesn't kill 'um dead... guns will be useless and you'll have to research how to kill deaf zombies.

  2. I don't think that even if I rocked at out eleven they'd hear it. I'd have to run down there and hold a boombox over my head, and then they'd see me coming and have time to escape. That would be pretty tortuous though!

  3. how about launching water balloons via large sling shot? Not only kinda painful (for them, & cathartic & fun for you) , but freezing... and they'd have to leave to get dry... or turn into lil' inconsiderate-ass-hat-bastardsicles....

  4. I like that! I haven't had a balloon fight in forever, mostly because I don't like getting hit with water balloons. A one-sided fight is right up my ally!

  5. Oh that sucks! I'm amazed that the people in the apts. don't complain, but then again maybe they have reason not to....

    once again, great drawings!

  6. The people living in these apartments aren't the most wholesome bunch you'll ever come across. One is a registered sex offender (I get his card every few months), one is a batshit insane real live cat lady, and there's a super white trash couple that are CONSTANTLY calling the cops or the ambulance. I don't think they care about getting woken up because I doubt any of them have jobs. Lol

  7. Maybe one of the tenants will beat them with their own shovel next time....

  8. Hahahahah ohhh.... a girl can only dream!


Talk to the Cake Betch - I'll always respond. Unless you're a dick, then I'll just be mad.