A List of the Different Types of Assholes

CAUTION: This entry is littered with expletives.

I’m sure you’re aware that the highways are comprised of assholes. They’re all around you. You might be an asshole yourself, and maybe you realize it, maybe you don’t. This usually isn’t that bad, with the exception being morning rush hour and evening rush hour. People who aren't usually even assholes TURN IN to assholes, just for this commute. It is an infuriating and intensely frustrating time of the day for me. I’ve comprised a short list of the assholes that you will encounter during your drive to and from work:

1.)          The No Turn-Signal Asshole – This is a huge pet peeve of mine, especially when it is practiced during bumper to bumper traffic. I’ll be cruising along and all of a sudden these assholes will dart over in front of me, causing me to slam on my brakes, and the guy behind me to nearly hit me. I would have to say that some of these assholes are a product of dealing with Won’t Let You Merge Assholes, but there is no reason for this. Put your turn signal on and wait until you see a spot. SOMEONE will let you over. There is no need for you to dart in and out of line without letting others know you’re doing it; we're going to figure that shit out at some point. That’s probably why your car is so fucking wrecked. Oh yeah, I know how to spot you.

2.)          The Going 15 Miles Under the Speed Limit in the Passing Lane Asshole – These schmucks are probably my most abhorred asshole. At 7:30 in the morning, why are you taking a leisurely fucking drive to work? I’m trying to go the speed limit AT A MINIMUM, yet you want to toodle along doing 50, enjoying the concrete view on either side of the highway. Not only are you taking your sweet-ass time, you’re IN THE PASSING LANE. GET THE FUCK OUT. I’m actually trying to get to work on time, and I didn’t leave three hours prior to my start time because I slept in late because I was out drinking the night before! If you want to really stretch out that lovely commute as long as possible so you have time to really enjoy your fellow assholes every single morning, that’s fine. Just get the fuck out of the way when someone wants to actually pass other cars. I know that concept is foreign. That far right lane is where you belong, not anywhere near the center median.

3.)          The Won’t Let You Pass Asshole – These people have some sort of control problem. They want to go whatever speed they're going, but they get fucking crazy if you decide you want to go faster. The second these assholes see you approaching in their mirrors it is GAME ON. They’ve got a death-grip on the wheel and they pretend they’re not checking their mirrors every few seconds to get a gauge on how fast you’re going so they can match your speed and prevent you from getting in front of them. They don’t really want to go faster, they just do what it fucking takes to keep you behind them. I'd bet money this manifests itself in other aspects of their shit personality as well.

4.)          The Won’t Let You Merge Asshole – I want to ram these people off the road. I actually changed the route I took to work to avoid the entrance ramp from Parson’s Avenue to 71N. Anyone outside of Columbus Ohio has no clue what I’m talking about, but believe me, the engineer who designed that fucked up ramp should have his brains scooped out with a spoon via his eye sockets. These assholes are on a MISSION and putting a foot on the brake to allow someone to join them on the highway is out of the fucking question. They get pissed that you’re even THERE, let alone asking to be let into THEIR lane. Assholes. 

5.)          The Slows Way Down 2 Miles Before His/Her Exit Asshole – These assholes are hugely responsible for all that stopped right lane traffic. Granted, sometimes you’re trying to get off the exit and the number of cars has just overwhelmed the traffic light, but there is absolutely no need for you to take it down to cozy 40mph as you’re approaching your exit. You get enough of these assholes in a row and they ride bumper to bumper so then the totally sane non-assholes get stuck behind them going slow as hell because they know they can’t do the ACTUAL speed limit until they reach the exit because there are SURE to be Won’t Let You Merge Assholes sprinkled in there as well. Slow down once you are OFF THE HIGHWAY if at all possible. Otherwise GO THE FUCKING SPEED LIMIT as long as you can possibly stand it.

6.)          The Up Your Ass Asshole – If I am guilty of being an asshole, this is the asshole that I’m guilty of being. I’m usually this asshole because of something some other asshole did to piss me off, but mostly the Slow Assholes in the Passing Lane (#2). However, this irritates the shit out of me when it happens to me. If I am in the passing lane and someone wants to go faster, I get the fuck over. But when someone comes up on me while I’m in the center lane and they have a totally clear lane to pass me but instead choose to nuzzle up to my literal asshole, that pisses me off.  I also hate this in slow moving traffic (i.e. some accident probably cause by No Turn Signal Asshole or Weaving Like a Maniac Asshole) and the person behind me has to make sure they are in every square inch of road going forward that I am not occupying. I also repeatedly see the ass end of their car bob up in the air when they slam on their brakes because they’re not paying attention when I have to stop again.

7.)          The Weaving Like a Maniac Asshole – These assholes think they’re hot shit. They probably drive a rice burner with a giant exhaust and bolted on wing, and they're definitely speeding because their POS is badass and they want everyone to hear their whiny lawn-mower engine. Or maybe they’re a rich yuppie driving a Boxter drinking their grande double espresso shot non-fat no whip latte, on their way to their high-profile important job that demands constant speed. Regardless, these assholes are more important than YOU, and they’re definitely fucking smarter, so they’re going to whip in and out of traffic, speeding up to 90 only to slam on their brakes at the last minute or cut someone off (these assholes are also always No Turn-Signal Assholes). This is the only time I can condone #8 – The Driving Next to Another Car so No One Can Pass Asshole.

They're probably driving a car that looks a lot like this

8.)          The Driving Next to Another Car so No One Can Pass Asshole – These assholes travel in packs, so watch out for them. These are those assholes that all drive side by side so that no one can pass them from any lane. It doesn’t matter how long you slip into Up Your Ass Asshole mode, these shitheads are content to drive with a  neighbor and don’t give a damn that there is no traffic in front of them – where you’d like to be. These people kind of boggle my mind, because they couldn’t actually all be from the same place. One of them had to actually increase their speed in order to get into proper alignment. Maybe they just had to wait until the time was right to find some other asshole to clog up the road with. These assholes are also frequently Slow Driving Assholes, and that my friends, is a lethal combination. There is no fucking WAY you’re getting to work on time!

That for now concludes my description of the various assholes you will encounter. Rest assured that I know there are many more assholes, and they also vary within their groupings. Sometimes there are numerous types of assholes. You just never know. The only thing you can count on is that they are all around you. 

* All pictures are mine, with the exception of the awesome car picture that I found after Googling "Worst car modifications ever."