Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Oh God She's Talking About Her Effing Dog Again

She's talking about her effing dog again. No one wants to read that shit. No one cares about your damn dog. You're like those people that never shut up about their stupid kids that no one wants to hear about, except you're talking about a dog.

I know, I know.

But in case you do wanna read about him I have a guest blog over at Coffee with a Canine! There is no cursing and I'm on my best behavior, you won't even recognize my goody-two-shoes voice over there. Big thanks Marshall! :-)

Speaking of Kaiser, all of his out-of-cage privileged have been revoked. We were leaving him out of his cage 24/7 and the little shit got to spend all his time lying on a queen sized bed barking like a homicidal maniac at anything that moved in or around the house. He sleeps there. I cover him with blankies before he goes to bed. He basically had free rein of the house.

So he developed this habit of chewing up paper over the last two weeks and we've just kind of let it go. A tissue here, a tissue there, a piece of junk mail here, some paper from the trash can there. Then one night he targeted some cash. Yes, cash. He tore up two dollar bills and we saved the third. Not cool.

It actually became a joke. We were driving home from dinner a few nights ago and Justin says, "What do you want to bet that Kaiser tore something up?"

I'm not actually going to tell you what he wanted to bet. You can just guess and know he would have been thrilled to win it.

"Hell no, I'm not taking that bet."

Snarf snarf snarf snarf. We were giggling all the way up to the house. Open the door to THIS:

Contents include:
- My W2's
- Justin's tax forms

We had to SEARCH to find pieces of the jacket cover. We couldn't even beat him we were so in awe of the absolute sheer destruction he was able to wreak in just under two hours.

Anyone want to adopt an asshole dog?


  1. Wow, that's horrible. I'm glad my cats only carry socks and shoes around the house.

  2. Since Kaiser took such an interest in your taxes, perhaps the IRS will give you a deduction for him - or an extension so you can tape all that back together???

  3. And that, in a nutshell, is why I'm a cat person!
    Your dog is awesome! That is amazing destruction...

  4. That's one depressed dawg .. or maybe has toothache .. or abandonment issues .. or, like a black Labrador I used to have, is just a little shit.

  5. Holy @#$%^& !!! That almost beats waking up to her explosive liquid diarrhea with a 8'foot trajectory/radius... almost. Still sucks though.

    Good thing these Danes have those eyes that make it damn near impossible to stay mad for longer than 7.38 minutes (I know, I've timed it.)

  6. ShanimalCrackers - He carries socks too but his real passion is obviously paper.
    Laughingmom - Perhaps if we send it with a picture and a note from my mom saying that my dog ate it :-)
    Pat - I've had cats before and they can be just as destructive with those damn nails.
    Gary - I know, do you think he's fallen in with the wrong crowd? Started smokin the reefer and acting out? :-D
    Goofy - Oh god, I'll take the paper to the poop any day. Cleaning up explosive diarrhea has taken us over an hour working TOGETHER to clean up. This we could sweep up. But you're right, in a few hours when he comes and puts his head in your lap you forget what an asshole he is.

  7. OMG! my dog did something that looked similar to your house the other night. except it was with trash from the bathroom...needless to say we had to make a trip to the emergency vet late monday night. she has also lost her out of kennel priveliges. she's such a little brat.

  8. Kristin - Oh no! We didn't have to take him to the vet :-( Hope she's okay!

  9. Hey, that looks like something I came home to a few months ago! Only, he was still somehow IN his crate. At night the spoiled brat sleeps with us and if we forget to close the bathroom door he gets into the trash. Since we don't flush TP..it's pretty gross when he comes back for kisses and you notice a piece of TP hanging out the corner of his mouth...

  10. Miss Tsa - OH NO. Paper AND Poo... you've got me beat. Our dog does love to lick his ass and then give kisses though; we have to be careful about it but I'd be willing to bet that I've gotten some grimy licks before. Yick.

  11. No thank you! I have a ravenous guinea pig.

  12. Oh wow. Just wow. How do you get a dog to stop doing that? Chew toys? Our cat decided to eat part of his blankie (which we haven't seen - in any form - since), so the remnant went to the landfill. No more blankie for kitty.

  13. OMG--I'm going to post a special pic--just for you from way back--It says Guilt Personified!!

    I LOVED THIS!!!!


  14. One of my dogs is stupid but really not as stupid as that. She still knows I'd kick the shit out her for something even half that. But I'd rather have one stupid dog than an smart ass cat. Thank the mind of John M for broadcasting your dogs mess.

  15. Copyboy - LOL! I'm scared of those things.
    On my Soapbox - We bought him a new rawhide bone so he'd have something to chew and are putting him in his cage when we're not around. It sucks, but it's his own fault. He knows he's not supposed to chew up paper. And LOL on the kitty blanket!
    John - Yay! Can't wait.
    the walking man - Our dog isn't afraid of us considering he's as big as us. He never really seems embarrassed or upset when we get mad. I think he's just that dumb.

  16. Holy Shit...that is one spectacular dog. My jaw dropped...it's still open...I'm still so stunned I'm actually drooling onto my shirt. I'm signing the hell up as a follower of your blog because I can't WAIT to see what he does next!! Wow! I am so impressed you didn't actually kill him.

  17. Camille - Yay! Glad to have you Camille! And I'm sure you won't have to wait long :-)

  18. Oh.my.god. What an AWFUL thing to come home to. Yep, a crate is definitely in order!

  19. That looks like my house after I invite some girls over for an afty-party.

    Yeah, those are the kind of girls I like. Can't help it.

    You should lay out a bunch of shitty books and some really good ones, and see if your dog has good taste. (pun). Maybe he could be like that squid or whatever that kept predicting the soccer games.


  20. Although I laugh at your misfortune, I have an eight month old golden retriever so I do feel your frustration eventually it's like being constipated, it's painful but you just can't give a shit.

    Your blog is awesome by the way... :D

    Love from
    Misery and Merriment

  21. Stephanie - Yeah I know, and we had even talked about packing it up and putting it away.
    Caleb - LOL I have a feeling that Kaiser does not care what he eats and does not have good taste. This is the dog that confuses his own frozen turds with sticks.
    Chelsey - Hahahaha - and thanks! :-D


Talk to the Cake Betch - I'll always respond. Unless you're a dick, then I'll just be mad.