I have been waiting for quite some time for that good 'ol baby clock to start ticking. It never has. And I'm starting to think that as I get closer to 30 than I am to 20 that perhaps my baby clock has been smashed and set on fire and tossed out the window of a speeding train into the deepest part of the ocean.
I just do not see the benefit in kids. I wish I did. Sometimes I feel like I am broken, but mostly I thank GOD that my womb has remained barren all these years. I have way more thoughts and theories on having babies than I could possibly cover in a single blog, but I could probably rattle off a few here.
My mom told me once that she cried because she thought I was possessed.
MY MOTHER THOUGHT I WAS POSSESSED. That's how bad of a child I was. I would stand in my crib at night and shake the bars and scream until I projectile vomited.
Can you imagine?? My parents tried for five years to have a child. FIVE YEARS. My mother's sister fooled her into thinking that rearing children was super awesome fun time because she often would take care of my cousin (you're a douche, George!) who was actually well behaved. I'm sure they thought that they were going to be bringing this amazing beautiful little girl into the world and their lives would be full of gum drops and rainbows and bears riding unicycles while eating ice cream cones.
Someone asked me once if I had a bad childhood. It's very common that people who had lousy childhoods do not want to reproduce. To this I say no, my childhood was absolutely pristine. I don't know how how the fuck my parents managed to rear me into an almost-decent nearly functional human being instead of drowning me in the tub. It would have been so easy. I can't believe that I was hugged and loved instead of beaten senseless after hearing the stories my parents tell me. I certainly do not have a tenth of the patience that my mother possesses.
I mean I really just do not want to take the risk! If there is a god then surely he has been waiting all this time, hunched over, wringing his hands in SHEER DELIGHT, just waiting for me to get knocked up so he can send some Satan spawn into my womb. PAYBACK IS A BITCH, TARA.
HAHA! Not if I don't get pregnant!
I've had nightmares where I was pregnant. In my dream I suddenly am in a time and place where I'm seven months pregnant and don't know how it has happened and I'm scared as HELL. I have this dream probably once every few months.
Let me see if this chain of events sounds correct:
- Get pregnant
- Throw up all the time
- Get fat (stomach and ass floppy forever at a minimum)
- CANT DRINK FOR NINE MONTHS <~~ NINE MONTHS
- Everything swells/hurts
- Go to doctor all the time
- Experience what could possibly be the worst pain of my entire life
- Have strange man pull bloody foreign screaming object from lady bits
- Lady bits are hamburger meat for a few weeks
And then as a reward for all of this work I get another screaming shitting mouth with razor sharp fingernails to feed that needs my constant attention every moment of the day for at least the next few months? A little shit that I will always have to worry about, who will probably hurt him or herself, get into trouble, break my heart, and make me wipe their ass for five years? A little shit who will then turn into a teenager, drive (and wreck) a car, experiment with anything and everything, and treat me like garbage? I'm pretty sure at this point that the best payoff you can get is when they become stable adult children and actually have done something with their lives, and honestly people, how likely is that? You want me to wait almost 30 years for the payoff of day-in and day-out mental and physical labor?
I can put my dog in a cage when I leave the house to drink myself to oblivion and people won't bat an eyelash.
Benefit of having a child:
That's all I got, and I'll have to wait at least until he or she can walk and grip things before I can expect the real slave labor to begin. That could be up to six years!
I just don't see how I'm ever going to actually wish this upon myself.
Kids playing outside