Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Babies Scare the Shit Out of Me

Before I get into my tangent I just want to let you know that I don't want to offend those of you that DO want kids but are not able to have them for whatever reason. I can totally sympathize, I just can't empathize (there's a difference).

Anyway...

I have been waiting for quite some time for that good 'ol baby clock to start ticking. It never has. And I'm starting to think that as I get closer to 30 than I am to 20 that perhaps my baby clock has been smashed and set on fire and tossed out the window of a speeding train into the deepest part of the ocean.

I just do not see the benefit in kids. I wish I did. Sometimes I feel like I am broken, but mostly I thank GOD that my womb has remained barren all these years. I have way more thoughts and theories on having babies than I could possibly cover in a single blog, but I could probably rattle off a few here.



My mom told me once that she cried because she thought I was possessed.

MY MOTHER THOUGHT I WAS POSSESSED. That's how bad of a child I was. I would stand in my crib at night and shake the bars and scream until I projectile vomited.

Can you imagine?? My parents tried for five years to have a child. FIVE YEARS. My mother's sister fooled her into thinking that rearing children was super awesome fun time because she often would take care of my cousin (you're a douche, George!) who was actually well behaved. I'm sure they thought that they were going to be bringing this amazing beautiful little girl into the world and their lives would be full of gum drops and rainbows and bears riding unicycles while eating ice cream cones.

HAHA! NO!

Someone asked me once if I had a bad childhood. It's very common that people who had lousy childhoods do not want to reproduce. To this I say no, my childhood was absolutely pristine. I don't know how how the fuck my parents managed to rear me into an almost-decent nearly functional human being instead of drowning me in the tub. It would have been so easy. I can't believe that I was hugged and loved instead of beaten senseless after hearing the stories my parents tell me. I certainly do not have a tenth of the patience that my mother possesses.


I mean I really just do not want to take the risk! If there is a god then surely he has been waiting all this time, hunched over, wringing his hands in SHEER DELIGHT, just waiting for me to get knocked up so he can send some Satan spawn into my womb. PAYBACK IS A BITCH, TARA.

HAHA! Not if I don't get pregnant!

I've had nightmares where I was pregnant. In my dream I suddenly am in a time and place where I'm seven months pregnant and don't know how it has happened and I'm scared as HELL. I have this dream probably once every few months.

Let me see if this chain of events sounds correct:
- Get pregnant
- Throw up all the time
- Get fat (stomach and ass floppy forever at a minimum)
- CANT DRINK FOR NINE MONTHS <~~ NINE MONTHS
- Everything swells/hurts
- Go to doctor all the time
- Experience what could possibly be the worst pain of my entire life
- Have strange man pull bloody foreign screaming object from lady bits
- Lady bits are hamburger meat for a few weeks

And then as a reward for all of this work I get another screaming shitting mouth with razor sharp fingernails to feed that needs my constant attention every moment of the day for at least the next few months? A little shit that I will always have to worry about, who will probably hurt him or herself, get into trouble, break my heart, and make me wipe their ass for five years? A little shit who will then turn into a teenager, drive (and wreck) a car, experiment with anything and everything, and treat me like garbage? I'm pretty sure at this point that the best payoff you can get is when they become stable adult children and actually have done something with their lives, and honestly people, how likely is that? You want me to wait almost 30 years for the payoff of day-in and day-out mental and physical labor?

I can put my dog in a cage when I leave the house to drink myself to oblivion and people won't bat an eyelash.

Benefit of having a child:


That's all I got, and I'll have to wait at least until he or she can walk and grip things before I can expect the real slave labor to begin. That could be up to six years!

I just don't see how I'm ever going to actually wish this upon myself.

Source Pictures:
Crib
Hell
Unicorn Land
Bathtub
Kids playing outside

80 comments:

  1. HAHAHAHA. I feel exactly the same way. Also, I like to go places and do things and not be accountable to some little rugrat who doesn't know how to have fun and drink just because she/he is TEETHING. Ohhh so over it, before it ever begins (and it never ever will, bwahaha). :D

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  2. Back before my former business partner ran off with his boyfriend (a blog post that I'll probably never write...) he and I were as close as two people could possibly be w/out there being any sexual anything. Though, he did tell me once that I made him question his sexuality (I'm still pretty psyched that there was another person there that day to hear him say that as I turned to them and said "you got that, right? Score one for our team!"
    One evening as I was on a bus traveling back to the island from Boston he sent me a text message asking me if I wanted to have a baby... with HIM! I reminded him he was gay (you know, on the off chance he forgot), and said "hell no!"
    The following is what was said next:
    "We'd make a really cute baby"
    "I'm sure we would"
    You sure about THIS?"
    "Um.. YES!"
    "tick toc tick toc..."
    "you need the time?"
    "what about your biological clock? hasn't it started going all haywire yet?"
    "I took the batteries out ages ago and transferred them to my vibrator"

    THAT was the end of that one. :)

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  3. You left off the part about breast feeding. How could you have forgotten the best part of motherhood? lmao

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  4. Your post and illustrations had me laughing all the way through - mostly because having had two kids - it is all SO true! I've wanted to send them back to whence they came - but seeing as how that's terrifying to my hamburglered lady bits(not to mention impossible), I've kept them and often even enjoy them (don't let them know -it'll blow my cover as MEAN MOM)!

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  5. Your evil baby drawing looks like a cross between my brother and Matt Damon. Weird.

    This is why you have LOTS of babies, so you can weed the shitty ones out. Like, give a new baby 2 weeks and if it doesn't have "I'll be a future millionaire and take care of you" vibe... whoops! Guess I shook you too hard. Next!

    Caleb

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  6. My mother cursed me by saying that one day I would have a child just like me and that would be her revenge for the hell I gave her raising me.

    Your bathtub picture brings back memories of my first born (who I begged the Dr. to put back at my one week visit). I obviously didn't learn from the experience as I now have three.

    I prefer duct tape to putting them in a cage.

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  7. lol Your illustrations have me in stitches. After being a step parent to a teenage boy, I was done with parenthood. All my friends tried to talk me out of it ... until their kids hit puberty.

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  8. Melanie - Exactly. Jesus. I could give so many reasons!
    Goofy - Your last line is so full of win I'm jealous because I never would have thought of it. <3 <3
    Oilfield - OH I know! Bloody crusty nipples! I was trying to keep it KINDA somewhat clean. Trust me. I ruled out a few illustrations I had planned because I thought they might be too.... graphic.
    Laughingmom - Hahahaha yes, please, if you have already had them for the love of all things holy don't send them back to where they came from! I'm hoping if I do have some I'll want them to stick around though.
    Caleb - You are DEVIOUS and TWISTED. I LOVE it!
    cakeologist - MY MOM SAID THE SAME THING! That's why I'm so terrified! And the only reason I'd worry about duct tape is it might leave marks. I always covered my sisters in plastic bags and THEN duct taped them. Held in place but no marks to be left!
    M Pax - Yeah I imagine if I ever was in a situation where I'd be a step parent that would probably be good enough for me :-D :-D :-D

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  9. If you want slave labor, you have to catch them at that 'adorable' age when they WANT to help you do everything. Except they're uncoordinated, so they suck at doing it. Once they hit 10+, they don't want to do squat. You really can't win. I think you're better off hiring a maid.

    Also, I think a dog would make a great babysitter. And a baby would make a great snack, if he or she isn't well behaved. Everyone wins.

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  10. So I'm conflicted here...you saying you don't want kids??? or you want them to grow faster, and preferrably NOT be in your body...ever?

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  11. It has never appealed to me. I have a cousin who is 5 years younger (29), has two children under the age of 3, and is expecting another in October. WHY?!

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  12. Well fuck! I just posted a comment and it got deleted.

    Was saying I'm with you...I have never understood the appeal.

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  13. A Beer for the Shower - Hahaha I have a Great Dane so he would probably be capable of eating anyone that won't conform to slave labor.
    Chuck - I don't know WHAT I want. If I have to have them I want them to not fuck my body up and I want them to be mature immediately :-) I'm a selfish girl I spose.
    Riot Kitty - I got both so I wasn't sure which to post so I just did both :-) Yeah, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one this hasn't appealed to.

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  14. Hahaha! Love this! DH and I do not want kids. At all. Ever. Most people are not able to understand this. I'll write an entire post about it sometime. One thing DH and I do: when we're driving and see someone at a bus stop with a stroller, we'll say to each other: "Gee, we can't afford a car, whatever shall we do? I KNOW! Let's have a baby!"

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  15. Additionally...I just think the human species has evolved to the point where we should reproduce more neatly...like in a petri dish or something. Mammalian birth seems barbaric.

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  16. I think little kids are cute. I just am not a huge fan of babies.

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  17. On My Soapbox - RIGHT? Where do the financial resources come from? CERTAINLY not from my gettin' drunk funds!!
    Riot Kitty - Totally agree. It would definitely cut down on saggy warped bodies and torn lady bits.
    ShanimalsCrackers - I think kids are cute too, sometimes, every so often, especially cause they're not mine. I'm hoping that my younger sisters will get knocked up first and then fool me into thinking that children are a good idea just like my aunt did for my mom.
    Cheryl - LOL <3 <3

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  18. THANK YOU! You just confirmed and reaffirmed everything I've thought for many years. I'm 32 and I thought my clock was ticking in my 20's. I was a fool. Since I've remained childless I've been able to enjoy the benefits of my hard work (ie: I HAVE MONEY) and the only poop I have to deal with is from my dog. I think I'll call my gyno today and thank him again for my IUD.

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  19. Amber - Dogs are totally tipping the scales for me right now as well. AND I totally want an IUD but I can't afford it right now :-/

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  20. I enjoy my 4 year old child, but slave labor does not even begin to discribe how I feel everyday. Mommy I want this, Mommy I need this, Mommy I have to pee, Mommy turn on Scooby-Doo, Mommy feed me, Mommy clean this dress so I can wear it tomorrow, Mommy my friend has one, I want it too, Mommy I spilled my juice all over the couch, Mommy I want to snuggle with you, why are you running around the house like a mad woman? Mommy, Mommy, Mommy. If I hear my "name" one more time I'm going to explode.

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  21. Anon - Poor Anon, those are my fears exactly. I don't think I am equipped to handle that much stress.

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  22. Wow! Print this out of coated stock and do a trifold layout and you have the single greatest weapon against teen pregnancy.

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  23. Copyboy - Lol I could probably do a lot better if that was my goal :-)

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  24. I'm broken too. Not tic or a toc to be heard. My friends are like, "Do you want to hold the baby?" and I'm like "Nah." And then every woman on the planet looks at me funny.

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  25. that was hilarious, and oh so true..I have 3. all grown nowso finally get to go back to BEFORE ,only its hard to remember what the hell that was!!!

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  26. Steam Me Up, Kid - I would not look at you funny. I would probably wait until the other women were distracted by drool or a poopy diaper and then ask if you wanted to quickly find a bar and drink.
    IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY - Yeah I have a feeling once you get used to the little bastards it's hard to go back to being without them. LOL :-)

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  27. I had my wife Spayed 6 months after we were married. The Vet was close to home ans SOOO much cheaper! I had no clock--PTL and my first wife and I didn't have one, before she ran off with the Dr.

    J

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  28. John - LOL John I'm sorry to hear that.

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  29. No No--It's totally cool- but thanks!!! This one is going on 29 years! But, just borrow a Niece or Nephew--and you'll not want kids for a rong rong tine!!!!

    :-)

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  30. John - I know! I'm waiting, but my sisters are five and ten years younger than me and only one of my cousins has a child and I never see her. I need someone to let me borrow a good child so I get fooled into thinking I want one.

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  31. It's because we're suckers for punishment. And sometimes the kid says funny stuff.

    And sometimes I get pregnant when I'm 18.

    And then I just never stop getting pregnant. Like I can't help it.

    Never have kids if you don't feel ready. But the slave labor part? Awesome.

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  32. PS. I finally feel the way you do about getting pregnant. Again. Because I would walk into traffic.

    My husband suggested it and I punched him in the throat before he finished getting the words out.

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  33. Chelle - You did luck out in that your kid is cute as hell. She'll be a great candidate for my-daughter-has-cancer-please-give-me-money-for-treatment.

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  34. And that last part snuck in there while I was answering. LOL. Perhaps my fear is one reason why I'm still not married? :-D

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  35. You know what's funny? My cousin tried that out. He told a lady at the store that he had cancer and got free candy for MONTHS.

    I'm hoping that at least one of my kids will get rich, see? Then I will guilt them into giving me all their money. ALL THE TIME until they gather up the guts to pay me off to never talk to them again. Isn't that how it works?

    Im thinking toddler pageants are a great way to start.

    WHAT.

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  36. Chelle - You will get no side eye from me.

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  37. Yea, you know, you get extra points for those awesome pictures. Also, dogs are WAY better than babies. Mine was paper trained by 10 weeks old and outside trained not long after. Babies poop themselves till they are 12.

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  38. Spaz - Uh, it took me four months before my dog finally stopped pissing up the cage while I was out. Granted his bladder probably wasn't big enough but that didn't make it any more fun to clean. And adults still poop themselves. I don't care who you are, you're gonna clean up some poop.

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  39. I LOVE THIS! i cannot say it enough. You are NORMAL. all those other baby-happy people aren't. i'm sharing this with everyone i know, so i feel like less of a freak, though... just sayin'. ;) THANKS for this.

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  40. Hollis - Whew. thank god. Lol and thanks for liking AND sharing!! :-D

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  41. GREAT post!
    There is however, some postive attributes of having children during for income tax purposes. After April 15th though, that crap all goes out the window!

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  42. I live in a country (Mexico) where many don't believe in birth control. So everyone is popping out babies all the time. From the moment a couple marries (or earlier--teens are having babies like mad), their parents ask them repeatedly, 'so when are you going to have children?' and after they have one, they immediately begin asking, 'so when are you having another?' and so on and so on until eventually the eggs run out. You would think in a country with so much experience at raising children, the children would be well-behaved. Well, they're not.

    I have a son (who, for some reason, was an angel from birth) but I don't want more. One of my pet peeves are those who ask me when I'm having more and the looks I get when I say NEVER!!!!!

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  43. Pat - Haha! I can definitely use a tax break. It's probably still cheaper without them though.
    Clarissa - I've had Mexican friends that have told me the same thing and they start young, but I was under the impression that was a cultural thing since family is extremely important in Mexico. Thankfully no one in my family is real big on babies and I've never been asked. Good thing you got an angel though! :-D If I have a kids I want boys.

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  44. Love the baby drawings! Check out my new blog, puzzledyet.blogspot.com, if you haven't yet!

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  45. Loved this post. Have you seen the Doris Day and David Niven movie from 1960 called, "Please Don't Eat The Daisies"? One of the story lines involves them locking their youngest in a cage every day because he's a toddler and a handful - I shit you not. Nowadays Doris would be brought up on charges - but frankly, it always made sense to me.

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  46. *Fistbump* I don't want kids either.
    Hells to the no!

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  47. Great post! Found you over at Pearl's

    I never wanted kids. Then I fell in love with a woman who had a 4 year old (no dad in the picture) who is now my 15 year old daughter. And we'll probably be splitting because now I don't want any more kids and her clock is a'tickin.

    You forgot the swelling goes down and results in prematurely-sagging tits.

    There are other joys: watching them go from not understanding letters to reading books by themselves. At 15 she's my "I dare you to scare me" horror movie pal.

    There are other sighs of relief: at about 10 or 11 you can start leaving them home alone for short periods of time just to get away to the store. Or the bar.

    There are other terrors: at about 13 they enter "the tunnel" and you will see a real person again in the early 20's. You are always wrong and they know fucking everything.

    Thank god for booze and horror movies.

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  48. I'm 32 and still haven't felt any baby urges coming on for ALL the reasons that you listed. I'll happily be the single/cool/awesome aunt to my six nieces and nephews and call it a day!

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  49. Anita - Will do!
    Camille - NO! I haven't! Maybe I do need to watch it! They always tell me what a GOOD mother I am for putting my dog in the cage. It only makes sense for humans right??
    Jules - Right backatcha!
    Ricky - OMG I totally forgot about the sagging tits thing. EXCELLENT. And do I really want to wait 10 years before I can leave the house without 30 minutes of preparation? I'm totally aware of 'the hole' because I know I went through it and I see my sister going through it now. I just don't know that there is enough booze out there for me to be able to raise a child. Hahaha
    Brooke - Yeah, I'm kinda thinking I'm just gonna have to be the cool aunt. I can play with them and then send them back to their mama's. Perfect!

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  50. You are so fucken funny and talented! I don't even know where to start with the "what I liked in this post" business. Suffice it to say, you are right on so many counts. But then again, kids are excellent blog fodder. But no, you can't put them in a kennel when you leave. Too bad though. I'm tempted to try it with my oldest, only he's the only one who would know how to contact Child Family Services. Please get one of those subscribe thingies on your blog so I don't miss any of your postings? Please???

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  51. Sandra - Thanks darlin', I think you are hilarious as well. And what subscribe thingies are you talking about? Email subscription? I can add it but I didn't know if anyone ever used it.

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  52. I have great respect for you. I like your honesty and courage to keep it real. Having kids is something a woman's supposed to do. WHY? I didn't experience the bio clock thing; it would've ticked out a decade ago. I did want to adopt but that didn't happen, so I'm good alone. Actually, I'm relieved! All power to you. The cartoons are great too.
    xoRobyn

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  53. OMG! This is my first time visiting your blog and I'm think I'm traumatized!! Good work!! I'm definitely following!

    I'm going to play Satan's advocate and suggest maybe you may to start warming up to the idea of having children for no other reason than you are obviously going to need someone to take care of you when you get old and revert back into demonic possession! I mean, personally, I hope there is someone around to tie you down to the bed and spray you with holy water when the time comes!

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  54. So funny! I snorted mint tea up my nose! You have such a unique approach to illustrations...love, love, LOVE them. As someone who *does* really want a baby, I 100% understand and applaud your self-awareness! I've never understood why the child-free have to defend and explain their choice to NOT have children. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Shouldn't the rest of us breeders have some good strong reasons as to why we DO want children? May your womb never be cursed with a parasite, and may your ears never be cursed by the sound of people telling you "Oh, you'll change your mind...".

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  55. Rawknrobyn - Aww, thanks :-) I've never really had a problem saying that I don't think I want kids and I've never really gotten flak for it from my family. I wasn't raised to follow a specific gender role so I never grew up thinking that kids were something I HAD to have.
    Minute Man's Wife - Thanks for following! And yes, Justin and I have discussed that aspect. No one wants to be alone when they get old. I don't want to be old and gray and all by myself. I think that's my BIGGEST motivation for having children, but I ask myself if that's a good enough reason to have kids, just so I'm not alone? Besides, there's no guarantee that my children will take care of me or be around when I'm old anyway.
    Stephanie - I bet it wasn't comfortable but I always think it's funny when someone tells me they did a snort/spit take. I don't really feel like I need to defend my feelings but I know some people do. I don't really feel like "breeders" (lol) need to defend THEIR choice either. It's very personal. As long as someone can support their child and wants one I don't see why not.

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  56. Wow. I heart this so much. Kids terrify me.

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  57. iambmac - Haha I know! But at least no one is going to ask you why you haven't had one yet! :-D

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  58. Haha! Well, I'm 33 and the clock has still not even managed to tick its way through a full minute. Isaac says if I'm too lazy to even take care of a dog, I for sure can't have a child. I'm trying to talk him into a trade. In exchange for no kid, I get 10 new full-priced books on my kindle. Sounds fair, yeah?

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  59. FreeFlying - I think that sounds totally fair!

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  60. I love the line about: "I'm pretty sure at this point that the best payoff you can get is when they become stable adult children and actually have done something with their lives, and honestly people, how likely is that?"

    I laughed and laughed until I cried. I have four (FoUr!) of those useless shits. I'm drinking now. Tomorrow I'll feel better and remember that they aren't useless, they're just shits.

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  61. Nicole - They're only useless until you can get forced manual labor out of them! At the very least you can use one to hold your beer.

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  62. Girl, I am with you all the way! My clock screamed at me for a while after I hit 30, but I got over it. I much prefer loving on my nieces and nephews and going home, with or to my dog. I bought a shirt the other day that says, "Children are for people who can't have dogs." I am all about that! :)

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  63. Krissy - I can't believe how many people have said the same thing. I feel so much better. Everyone I know has kids or wants kids or plans to have them some day. I'm totally fine with dogs right now! :-D

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  64. I think my favorite thing about you is that you respect grammar. Too many people live their lives not knowing the difference between sympathy and empathy. Now I have a web link for them to visit. Thank you.

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  65. J-Bird - Haha! I was for a brief moment in time an English major. I'm an avid reader and I might dabble a little in writing here and there :-) I can't undermine myself with poor grammar and spelling (hey, I try) now can I? :-D

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  66. HAAAA! OK, I just fell in love in just one post..or cartoon I can't decide which but either way...I know at least I can't get pregnant again from this kinda love. You just cracked this Slave Labor Girl up!

    How ever will I look at my son in the same way again? (-:

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  67. Mrsblogalot - I love falling in love! Lol. I never intended for MOTHERS to look differently at their kids though. (If your son looks like the baby pictures I drew though, maybe you SHOULD look at him differently. Thanks for the follow! :-)

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  68. Maybe someone already pointed this out (I read through half of the comments and then my ADD kicked in) but technically you can't drink for TEN months. 40 weeks = full term = 10 months. Boooo. Whoever came up with this "9 months of pregnancy" clearly couldn't do math.

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  69. ALB - NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO no one told me TEN months!!! I don't know how that's even POSSIBLE.

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  70. SOOO with you. NO desire to reproduce for all of the above mentioned reasons. ...though I was an absolute angel growing up of course.

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  71. Jules - I was under no illusions that I was an angel at all. I always just thought my parents were big meanies and that I was oppressed. Haha!

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  72. this was super hilariousness, i'm still trying to figure out how babies are made, i obviously haven't realized how i kept getting knocked up. ;) new follower, ur so fun!

    hillary

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  73. The WholeFamDamily - Oh GIIRRRLLL your husband done LIED to you! Lol. I'm glad you liked it :-) God, I can only imagine what I'd write if I actually DO have children. I probably won't write anything cause I'll blow my brains out. I just am not mature enough for kids.

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  74. Hey Cake Betch! Just found your blog by accident (blog surfing here and there) and I am glad! I love your style of writing + MS paint and today I will go back and read your older ones, should be a treat hehe.

    And regarding this post, I am the SAME. I do not look forward to having children. Well I was never good with children (it could be because I am an only child haha).

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  75. Mizanon - Cool! I'm glad you're here! :-D I had two sisters and I somewhat think THAT might be why I don't want them, I was old enough to experience what it's like being around babies and small children. Lol

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  76. I'm just so happy that the blogging world has led me to so many women out there that DOESN'T think having babies is the most desirable thing in the whole life and world.

    Fuck, I don't want to. I'm still waiting for my clock to start too, but at 25, I just don't know if it ever will.

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  77. Wynn - I'll be 27 in August. I'm thinking that clock done broke or something. I was really surprised by how many women agreed too; I really thought I'd have more women tell me it isn't that bad. Guess we're in good company :-)

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  78. I'm in my late 30s and never wanted a kid. Nice to know I'm not alone, since most people look at I like ur crazy when u say that.
    One of my younger brothers had ADHD in a "You're gonna grow up to be an axe murderer", running around screaming and freaking out kind of way. If I had one of those, I'd kill myself.
    The only thing that has ever made me want a kid is sometimes they come out super cute and smart. Also, they make super adorable stylish clothes for kids. Probably not a good idea to have one just because I want to dress it up like a mini adult.

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  79. Erika - You're definitely not alone. The more people I meet and talk to, the more I realize that there are a lot of people who aren't interested in children. I really don't think it's a big deal. My only hang up is that I don't want to die alone, and that kind of seems like a bad reason to have kids. Every so often I'll think about something I'm going to teach my child but then I'm like, "OMGWTF" and then I have a drink and lay in bed and enjoy the fact that I don't have any kids for the time being. I'm guessing eventually there will be some kind of accident and I'll be 'blessed' but until then...

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Talk to the Cake Betch - I'll always respond. Unless you're a dick, then I'll just be mad.