That being said.....
I was driving home one day, for whatever reason, thinking about something my grandma said to me once that challenged my perception of the universe.
A few years back we were eating dinner in a nice restaurant as a family and my mom got to telling this story about me that my family thinks is hilarious. It involves me being a baby, totally naked, wearing a pair of my mom's high heels, holding on to the couch for support, and shaking my bare ass back and forth at everyone in the room.
I think there might even be video of it. As soon as the story was over Grandma gets this shit-eating grin on her face and says:
"Just think, she used to do it for you guys and now she does it for her boyfriend!"
I had just turned 17 that week. I had also only been dating the guy for a few weeks and he was my first boyfriend. I am not easily embarrassed by any means, but I'm pretty sure the shock of hearing that sentence come out of my grandmother's mouth combined with the fact that it was said in front of my parents and my sisters turned my face a bright shade of red. I thought it was hilarious, and I still do, but I can not for the life of me figure out what possessed her to say that.
You see, my grandma, much like 95% of all grandmas, is a sweet little old lady. She goes to church, she watches the nature channel, she cleans everything all day, and she drinks black coffee from sunup to sundown like it's her business. She doesn't get out much and she's totally out of touch with youth culture. She's basically your quintessential Grandma. As I was reflecting on the aforementioned dinner, I thought, "Boy, I wish Grandma would say shit like that more often."
And that led to me imaging things that Grandma could say that would be hilarious. And that led to this post.
Shit I wish my Grandma said:
I wonder if my Grandma would think this is funny. I probably won't show her.