Monday, February 7, 2011

Shit I Wish my Grandma Said

Before I get into the main post I just wanted to say WELCOME to all the new people that have come over from Pat's blog. I thought people would get a chuckle out of the story but I didn't anticipate all the wonderful comments and new followers. So thank you, truly. Hopefully I can live up to the hype. I'm in the process of going through everyone and getting back to your blogs. I'm always on the lookout for new faces and stories but I was sort of bludgeoned with them. I'll be making the rounds in the next few weeks adding people and reading everyone else's stuff :-) Also, I only got a handful of people wanting to do guest posts - if you're interested, email me!

That being said.....

I was driving home one day, for whatever reason, thinking about something my grandma said to me once that challenged my perception of the universe.

A few years back we were eating dinner in a nice restaurant as a family and my mom got to telling this story about me that my family thinks is hilarious. It involves me being a baby, totally naked, wearing a pair of my mom's high heels, holding on to the couch for support, and shaking my bare ass back and forth at everyone in the room.

I think there might even be video of it. As soon as the story was over Grandma gets this shit-eating grin on her face and says:

"Just think, she used to do it for you guys and now she does it for her boyfriend!"

I had just turned 17 that week. I had also only been dating the guy for a few weeks and he was my first boyfriend. I am not easily embarrassed by any means, but I'm pretty sure the shock of hearing that sentence come out of my grandmother's mouth combined with the fact that it was said in front of my parents and my sisters turned my face a bright shade of red. I thought it was hilarious, and I still do, but I can not for the life of me figure out what possessed her to say that.

You see, my grandma, much like 95% of all grandmas, is a sweet little old lady. She goes to church, she watches the nature channel, she cleans everything all day, and she drinks black coffee from sunup to sundown like it's her business. She doesn't get out much and she's totally out of touch with youth culture. She's basically your quintessential Grandma. As I was reflecting on the aforementioned dinner, I thought, "Boy, I wish Grandma would say shit like that more often."

And that led to me imaging things that Grandma could say that would be hilarious. And that led to this post.

Shit I wish my Grandma said:

I wonder if my Grandma would think this is funny. I probably won't show her.


  1. My grandma sounds a LOT like yours, however, mine doesn't have a mute button anymore so whatever she is thinking typically comes out of her mouth...

    like the time she told me, on a FAMILY vacation mind you, that it would be okay for me to go topless since everyone there (my aunts, uncles, cousins, their HUSBANDS) had seen a pair of girls before.


    Love this post!

  2. This was fucking awesome.

    If your grandma ever gets to drinking some vodka, video it.

  3. This is just too darn funny!
    As to the original statement...
    It seems that when some people get old the "thought to speech filter" is one of the first things to go. You never know what is going to pop out.
    My grandma would say just about anything! Even when she was younger...

  4. OMG!!!! YOU MUST--Give a Class I Beverage alert to prevent Spew-age and ruining keyboards!!!!



  5. Ella - OMG that's hilarious. I don't think my grandma would tell me that, and if she did, I'd seriously start checking the records and hope that I was adopted.
    Oilfield Trash - Believe me, I will, and then I'll put it on this blog as fast as my little fingers will go. Maybe I'll even see if she'll do it for the blog.
    Pat - See, I think that's great but also frightening. I think it's great because that's kind of how I am, I don't always have a filter. I appreciate people who just say what they think. It's scary because if your filter goes away as you get older I'm going to be a really ornery old woman who embarrasses the family often.
    John - That mad me laugh; people have commented and said that before and I think they're my favorite comments. Making someone spew food or beverage on their computer is the best! :-D

  6. um you must must must show your gma!

  7. and YES we do have actual video of said incident. Love, Mom

  8. My maternal grandma definitely has a bit of the betty white in her ... as in looks sweet but occasional throws out a one-liner just to shock you. It's fun.

    The last picture/quote I would definitely like to hear a grandma say.

  9. Paige - I'm afraid she will not approve :-D
    Mom - Get a screen name. And no the video won't be on my blog.
    DumbFunnery - See, my grandma isn't like that normally. She's very reserved and old school. Just once in a while she'll bust out some gem that leaves you scratching your head.

  10. Dude your gammy totally kicks $#@$% my dad says ass. I love, love your art!

  11. That is way funnier than $%$#^ my dad would say. I just love, love your art. BTW...made you blog of the day.

  12. noice! popped over from copyboy's site.

    this was a funny post!

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  13. Was I there?? I do not remember this. I just can not imagine Grandma saying this.

  14. Copyboy - Thanks!!! :-D Going to check it out right now! :-D
    Bruce - Gracias! Nice of you to stop by :-)
    Rachel - Yes you were. It was when we took the trip out west over my 17th birthday (so you would have been 12?). We stopped to eat dinner in a restaurant and I bought the Marvin Gay soundtrack on the way out and we danced to it in the motor home.
    Lol now that I think about it, I go back from dinner to listen to "Let's Get it On" and I'm confused about why Grandma would say something like that? Lol.

  15. Haha, I like how you write about your grandma--I do too! I'm following you now.

  16. Shannon - Ya! Glad to have you! :-D

  17. Don't tell Grandma. :-)

    But keep telling us.

    I've added you to my blogroll. You're cracking me up.


  18. Hey! I was gonna say you cracked me up!
    That Pearl. Why I oughta ...

  19. Pearl - I think that's for the best. I thought maybe I could get her to say a few of the phrases and film them but I don't think she'd let me post that on the interwebz
    Gary - Pearl beat you to the punch! I'm glad she didn't say 'disgusted' or 'appalled'. But I still appreciate the comment! :-)

  20. I can totally see my Grandma saying something like this also, as far as the things you wish Grandma said, I would most likely hold back from her..unless that is you want to be surprised again by what she may say :^)

  21. I wouldn't show it to her either she might retain it just long enough to spout some it during a really inappropriate moment. On second thought, test the water!

  22. Jimmy- I feel like there's a small chance there that she'd go along with it, which would be awesome, but there's also a fine line there :-)
    Chuck- Hahaha yeah but saying it during inappropriate moments would just give me more blog fodder!

  23. My family would have punished me for fear of my eventually growing up and doing it for a living. They have no sense of humor. I like your grandma.


Talk to the Cake Betch - I'll always respond. Unless you're a dick, then I'll just be mad.