Friday, April 1, 2011

Water Can Go To Hell

You know what I hate?


Water! Yes! I'm looking at you, Water! Fuck you!


Don't give me that look water. You're ridiculous. I'm so tired of your bullshit. Everyone is all "Water is so good for you" and "Water helps you lose weight" and "Water makes your skin look good" and "Water tastes so refreshing!"

You know what tastes good, Water? BEER! Beer tastes good. Wine tastes good. Lattes taste good. Milkshakes taste good. You only taste good when you've been brewed with yeast and hops and barley and then fermented and placed in a brown bottle. You taste like the fucking junk coming out of the pipes of my century old house! Minerals and dust? MMMMMMMMMMM.

NO!


But your body is mostly water! FUCK YOU water, I never gave you permission! I have to have you, or I'm going to die?? How fair is that? I'm born with this addiction and it's all your fault, Water. You know what I want to be mostly made up of? PIZZA. Pizza tastes good.

Oh, look, here's another form of you, Water! SNOW and fucking ICE!


You just know how to make all KINDS of friends, don't you Water? I KNOW it's fucking you, I almost finished fourth grade, motherfucker - you can't fool me with your temperature changy-trick! Now I have to wear ten layers of clothing because I'm freezing my ass off AND I risk my life every day when I leave the house because I have to drive on you! And since you're totally transparent it makes it a huge guessing game! HAHA! Russian Roulette FTW, right Water? You sadist. We'll see how fucking smart you are in the next month or two!




"Drink one fluid ounce of water per pound of body weight per day!"

JEEEEESSSSSUUUUUUSSSSS. Yeah, drinking over a gallon of water a day is totally doable. You know what else is doable? Having to pee every fucking hour. SO MUCH FUN!


We're DONE, Water. This relationship is over until you get your fucking act together. And please leave us alone when you see me out with beer.

66 comments:

  1. I love water. But seriously, don't even get me started on air. Breathe me! Breathe me again! Again! Again! Again! JESUS CHRIST GET A LIFE!!

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  2. Steam Me Up, Kid - OH JESUS I DIDN'T EVEN THINK OF AIR! Air is such a whiny bitch!

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  3. This is one of the funniest posts I have read in a long time! I am so with you on this. Trouble is water has gotten smug in its complacency.

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  4. TS Hendrik - Lol thanks! Water is a smug bastard and I'm tired of his shit.

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  5. Awww... poor water. He can't catch a break. I, personally, love water. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't have ice and then I wouldn't have cold margaritas and then there'd be no market for tequila and then I'd die. Makes perfect sense.

    But I hope snow gets caught in the zompocalypse 'cause its a bitch.

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  6. Since you can't have beer without water, it's cool in my book.

    Sorrs.

    I'm with SMUK on air though. So smug in its position of authority.

    Charlie sheen doesn't need air. Duh. I'm ready to enter a bold new air-free world.

    Plus, I'm pretty sure that Earth is the only planet with air. And we pick this one to live on? Maybe it's all our fault.

    But then I see pictures of girls with their bewbs hanging out drinking beer and I think "nah, maybe we're allright."

    PS the pic of you running to the bathroom...the face... freaks my shit out. Edit please.

    Caleb

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  7. Caleb - Hahaha I love you. What about my face freaks you out?? I have to pee! No one has even noticed the sign on the bathroom yet which was ACTUALLY supposed to be the funny part of that picture.

    And keep in mind that air and water go hand in hand in their smug superiority because you can't have water without air. Equal hate, Caleb, equal hate.

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  8. J-Bird - Really, snow and ice prompted me to write this hate letter, but then I realized my anger was misdirected and WATER was really the culprit.
    You do have a point with ice for drinks. I hadn't really thought of that. Let's not get into that though, I said I hate water and I'm stickin to it!

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  9. I'm a bleeding heart over here...you're kinda making me want to hug water.

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  10. Stephanie - Haha me too!! Big sad eyes make me cry. I had to do it though.

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  11. I love water, but only when it has the word TONIC in front of it and is mixed with Vodka...something I am enjoying right now!

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  12. Well, in all fairness, if you drink a gallon of beer, you'll probably have to pee every 15 minutes. And each time you go to the bathroom, you add an additional 10% chance of passing out and drowning in the toilet.

    With that said... I'm gonna go grab that beer...

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  13. cakeologist - Delicious! Have one for me too!
    A Beer for the Shower - That is true, but I can tell you that I'm having exponentially more fun when I'm drinking beer and I'm probably not trying to accomplish anything (like work). Beer tastes better too. I think I better have a beer too.

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  14. If we didn't have water, we wouldn't have to fill up our landfill with millions of plastic bottles. Water should be outlawed...

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  15. Enough beer will make you forget about water. I proved this theory many times in my life.

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  16. fucking water. YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME?

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  17. Great post. Love the illustrations! Even if I've had NO liquids at all, I still have to pee every 30 minutes on the dot. I've seriously contiplated strapping on a Depends before hitting the bars, but figured no one would hit on me if I smelled like piss:(

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  18. Beer IS water to me and I'm fine.

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  19. I so agree with you!!!

    Even with the snow shit. I saw video yesterday of the grounds at Jacobs Field in Cleveland and it was covered in snow. The day before the opening game.

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  20. Pat - Totally agree. Bottled water is the most retarded invention ever.
    Chuck - I am working on this right now! Beer beer beer
    Kage - I KNOW RIGHT? RAAAAAAAAAGE (That totally sounds like something someone named Kage would do. We will rage)
    Chelle - I'm pretty sure if you drink enough of it you get the water you need to survive. Just a thought.
    Oilfield - Yeah they were laughing about it on the radio this morning. we're supposed to get snow again tomorrow (Columbus, I don't know about Cleveland). And I love me some damn beer too.

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  21. It's the peeing. Always with the water in, water out. You nailed that one. And that's why I duct taped a gallon sized- Ziploc bag to my hooter.

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  22. Nicole - HAHAHAHAHAHA. Does that save some time? I'll have to try it out.
    Brooke - Shit I wasn't ignoring you (in the above response) I somehow missed you. I don't know how cause I laughed my ass off when I imaged going to the bar in depends.

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  23. Pure genius, lady! I happen to like water. But peeing 18 times over the course of a work day is just not realistic. So that's why I tend to inadvertently boycott it. Fuck water!!!

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  24. Most amazing blog ever.

    FUCK YOU WATER

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  25. RamblingHutch - Lol I know, peeing during the workday is so obnoxious!
    Greengeekgirl - Hahaha SO AMAZING! I know. I'm so genius.

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  26. I hate water, too, and wish it would stop coming out of the sky, day and night, day after day....

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  27. http://www.dhmo.org/facts.html

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  28. LMAO! Our bookkeeper and I were talking today - she said she was required to drink 32 ounces of water in half an hour before some kind of medical appointment. She said that she told them, "It's mean to do that to an old person!"

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  29. You know what I love? You. Yes I have a small girl crush on you but don't get too excited because I also have a slight girl crush on Steam me up kid and Hyperbole and a half...Apparently my fake lesbian side is quite a whore

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  30. Are you a southpaw and you drew these cartoons with your right?? Juz kidding.
    Air and water-- you got me thinking nowwwww

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  31. Haaaa. I love how the sign says "betches." You are so good. :D

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  32. This morning I was sitting around being lazy - and wanted something HIGHlarious to read. Naturally, I went to the hot mess chronicles, and there it was - a new post!

    You, Catch Betch, just made my day.

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  33. Very funny! You better pray that you don't come back in your next life at a plant.....I'm just saying.

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  34. On My Soapbox - Yep, that's pretty much where I'm at right now too.
    Riot Kitty - It is! It's hard to drink that much water. I try to drink 16oz when I first wake up and always finish out of breath and pissed off. Haha!
    Chelsey - I love you too, and I totally understand, I have a bunch of slutty pretend lesbian girl crushes across the bloggosphere as well. I think this is totally healthy.
    meandmythinkingcap - Am I being totally ignorant when I say I don't know what a southpaw is? I DID draw these with my right hand though :-D
    melanie - YAY! Someone finally noticed! I thought it was funny but no one else seemed to see it :-)
    iambmac - Awww thanks darlin
    Jotter Girl - Yeah I know, seriously. Better yet, that I came back as water. Lol

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  35. OMG! OMG! OMG! I laughed so hard I cried - ah! another downfall of water!! Tears!! I LOVE your blog! You're so damn SUPER AWESOME!

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  36. The Minute Man's Wife - Lol aww thank you! <3

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  37. And not only that, but Water makes itself into such a 'Big Deal' by being 'exclusive' to only Earth! Then when someone finds ice on Mars, or some moon millions of miles away, what do people do? They flip out! It's just a little attention grabbing H2Hoe. And all the while people slip, slide, and get splashed by this little compound which hogs most of the Earth.

    All this, and without water, there would be no 'Shore' for Jersey Shore to take place on. Thanks for ruining TV, Water.

    Thanks.
    XD
    (I thoroughly enjoyed this article!)

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  38. Issac - OH MY GOD I never even THOUGHT about the connection water has to Jersey Shore!!!!!!

    I'm going to go run some water in the faucet and punch it!!

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  39. But wait, there's more!

    The Titanic sunk because of what? FROZEN WATER ONTOP OF MORE WATER. Good job killing Jack, Water.... :'(

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  40. Isaac - Sorry I spelled your name wrong above.

    And BWOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHH <~~ Sound of my mind being blown.

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  41. No, I saw the picture. I just thought it was normal that you would be shooting fire from your butt as you head to the betch room.

    I think it's the tiny, not-matching eyes and creepy looking mouth-al region.

    Creepin.

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  42. Caleb - Hahaha!! I didn't think it was THAT creepy!

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  43. My Dearest Cake Betch- much like I love to remind people that every time they poop at work they are technically being paid to poop... please remember that every time water makes you pee, and you make that mad dash for the bathroom... you're pissing ON water.
    Feel a lil' better? ♥

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  44. Water pisses me on! H2O--it even has a symbol like Prince! The water formerly know as water!

    That steams me off!

    I'm going to evaporate now!

    Buh Bye!

    J

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  45. Oh ya, and the wateratti and their trendy bottled H20s get on my nerves! And now they have decided that they need to make water 'smart' and have started to put vitamins and other 'nutritious' things in it. - G

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  46. Goofy - Leave it to you to bring the brains to this party :-D
    John - I know, right? What a jerk.
    Georgina - I think it's all a conspiracy!

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  47. HOW.FUCKEN.TRUE.IT.IS.

    I know it gets all cocky with those single-packet crystal light add-to-water commercials, too.

    Bunch of assholes. The lot of 'em.

    I'm pretty sure Coke and Pepsi are water-free. Thank Gawd.

    Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?

    _

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  48. StephanieC - Yea, those packets taste like shit. However I am not a fan of pop (or soda, depending on your region) so I don't drink it either.

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  49. Can you please lose it on rice next? Because people at restaurants are always putting rice all over my plate as a "side item" and it's like a hundred little slivers of tastelessness diluting the flavor of my real food. And they never remember to leave it off, despite me asking. Go on. And don't forget about it's resemblance to sticky little worms...

    p.s. Your nacho comment absolutely cracked me up. Your boyfriend is funny.

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  50. Yay! Someone who also calls it pop!

    I'm so addicted to that stuff, it's pretty embarassing.

    A fountain Coke or Pepsi is a close match for orgasm (I know?!?! Crazy).

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  51. Ha!

    I tried to make pizza flavored water, once. But I must have been really full from all the vodka flavored water I had earlier, because after I drank it I had to go throw up.

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  52. FreeFlying - Unfortunately I kind of like rice. Especially cheesy rice. Plain rice sucks though, I will totally lose it on plain rice.
    StephanieC - Don't you just haaaaaate it when people say soda? I haaaaaate the word soda. And JESUS if it were a match I might actually drink it. That's kind of what coffee is for me.
    Laughing Vault - Lol, thanks. It's a cute lil water droplet.

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  53. You are magnificient! Seriously, one of my favourite bloggers out there. The fucken Bloggess has NOTHING on you! Oh, and have you heard of Hyperbole and a Half (I'm not even sure it's called that exactly because I don't read it because the posts are too long, my attention span doesn't allow for that!) but you kick that blog's butt! Get yourself a subscription thingy so I can know when you update! Seriously, you are the next great blogger of our generation...or whatever great bloggers are supposed to be, but you are IT!

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  54. Sandra - You're making me blush!! I have heard of Hyperbole and a Half, and I totally stole the idea of illustrating my blog from her. She stole it from someone else though and 1000 other people illustrate their blogs so I'm not going to feel guilty. What kind of subscription? You can follow me already.... are you talking email subscription?

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  55. Your pictures are epic! I adore those "pizza feet." Yeah, I would drink more water to make skin look better but it just makes me pee!

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  56. Jules - Thanks! :-D And yeah, I use the bathroom about once an hour. It sucks. Supposedly if you drink a lot of water you body learns to compensate and you can hold it longer but that's not happening.

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  57. theShyNarcissist - I see your :o) and raise you a :-P

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  58. I agree with Sandra. I'm hooked.

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  59. CkretsGalore - Awesome!! :-D Glad you came over here!

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  61. Ice. I hate ICE. I always ask for everything easy ICE. Have you ever noticed that when you go to a restaurant and get a drink it's like 75% ice and 25% drink? They're trying to rip you off by giving you very little actual drink, and mostly ice. I hate that. Even if you ask for easy ice, you still get 50-50 most of the time. Grr. I didn't pay for water in my drink, I paid for a drink!! Get it right, assholes! I want a drink! If I pay for 20oz, I should get 20oz, not 5!

    Dihydrogen monoxide inhales vigorously!!! (for some reason, I cannot, since high school, bring myself to say something chemistry-related and say "sucks," I must say inhales vigorously; it's really an inside joke, no relevance here, but it's a force of habit)

    ~THE Ashley

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  62. ♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ - You know how I get around ice in a restaurant? SIMPLE. I only drink beer. They're not going to put ICE in my beer (another reason why beer is so awesome). And truth be told I don't drink pop (or soda depending on your region but I hate the word soda) so if I get anything other than beer at dinner it's water. Then I don't care what my ice to water ratio is :-)

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  63. I haven't been drinking -as much- soda since I started Topamax, because I'm one of those people that, if I have side effects, I have the weird ones. Well, this is one of them- soda has lost carbonation. Like, one of the only reasons to drink soda. WTF?? Who on earth can't get carbonation in their soda because of medication? Apparently, me.

    And I say soda. The word pop makes me giggle. Unfortunately, I can't drink beer everywhere I go, because I have nobody to drive me, and I have not the bad conscience to drink a beer and go driving. I can't drink water with food. I'm really weird and picky about things like that. So, instead of "easy ice" I tell them "Please, put almost no ice in my drink at all." Usually, that works pretty well.

    I'm still giggling at the fact that you say pop. Pop! Lol. pop pop pop. Reminds me of popcorn. I have no idea why I make this association. I guess it's because I've lived in the south all my life (you already knew that, right? Jax, Kissimmee, St. Augustine FL, Big Island and Oahu HI, Central and DFW Texas). This is the farthest north I've lived. That's generally a Great Lakes regional thing (Ohio is in that region, right? Kind of?) Well, you're more north than I am. So there. lol. I gotta go. xx

    ~THE Ashley~

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Talk to the Cake Betch - I'll always respond. Unless you're a dick, then I'll just be mad.