You know what I hate?
Water! Yes! I'm looking at you, Water! Fuck you!
Don't give me that look water. You're ridiculous. I'm so tired of your bullshit. Everyone is all "Water is so good for you" and "Water helps you lose weight" and "Water makes your skin look good" and "Water tastes so refreshing!"
You know what tastes good, Water? BEER! Beer tastes good. Wine tastes good. Lattes taste good. Milkshakes taste good. You only taste good when you've been brewed with yeast and hops and barley and then fermented and placed in a brown bottle. You taste like the fucking junk coming out of the pipes of my century old house! Minerals and dust? MMMMMMMMMMM.
But your body is mostly water! FUCK YOU water, I never gave you permission! I have to have you, or I'm going to die?? How fair is that? I'm born with this addiction and it's all your fault, Water. You know what I want to be mostly made up of? PIZZA. Pizza tastes good.
You just know how to make all KINDS of friends, don't you Water? I KNOW it's fucking you, I almost finished fourth grade, motherfucker - you can't fool me with your temperature changy-trick! Now I have to wear ten layers of clothing because I'm freezing my ass off AND I risk my life every day when I leave the house because I have to drive on you! And since you're totally transparent it makes it a huge guessing game! HAHA! Russian Roulette FTW, right Water? You sadist. We'll see how fucking smart you are in the next month or two!
"Drink one fluid ounce of water per pound of body weight per day!"
JEEEEESSSSSUUUUUUSSSSS. Yeah, drinking over a gallon of water a day is totally doable. You know what else is doable? Having to pee every fucking hour. SO MUCH FUN!
We're DONE, Water. This relationship is over until you get your fucking act together. And please leave us alone when you see me out with beer.