Friday, April 29, 2011

Awards and Dysfunction

Hi everyone! Hi new followers! So glad you came to follow me right when I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Now the REAL shit-show will begin! I'm just kidding. Please don't leave me.

A few of the questions I have received in the past two weeks:

Are you dead?
> No, I am alive, but I'm barely functioning. You should see my house, I'm pretty sure I'm cultivating mushrooms somewhere, and not the fun kind.

New post soon?
> I would love to be able to do one and I did finally come up with an idea for a new post but my brain is not really working like I would like it to. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me but I've spent the last two or three weeks in a constant hazy coma of crippling depression. FUN, right! I know. But it has basically hindered my ability to do anything other than this:

Are you still going to do my guest post?
> Yes. I still fully intend on doing the guest posts I've received (both as guests on my blog and my posts on your blogs). Once again, the loss of brain function and lack of desire to do anything but sleep all day has prohibited me from working on these posts. They will get done, I just don't know when.

Are you going to explode in a burning fire of self-pity and doubt?
> It is very possible.

Why haven't you commented on my blog posts recently?
> See above. I am barely feeding myself. I've got like 300 blogs I need to read. I am trying to go through them but please don't think I've abandoned you if I haven't written you love notes recently. It's not you, it's me. For reals.

Anything new going on?
> YES, actually. I'm going to be (hopefully) freelancing for 614 Magazine!! Awesome right? I didn't win (or even place) in the ColumBEST blogger award but I still (maybe) got a job out of it. Win!

Would you like me to send you a gift of cookies?

Did you make up the last four questions yourself?
> Totally.

Are you still there? Sweet. Okay. I know I'm totallyfuckingboring.

I also won an award! Yaaaays! I'm pretty sure that I was just gifted this award as a pity gift because I'm not quite sure how in the hell anything I've ever written could be remotely inspirational, but it is what it is. I got this inspirational award from the lovely, frank, entertaining Minute Man's Wife. Her blog covers love and life, relationships, and anything else in between. If you haven't read her work before you should probably go check her out right now and leave her some love. Thank you my dear.

As part of the rules of this award I need to pass it on to 10 more inspirational bloggers. I would like to do more than 10 because I really love you all shitloads, but I will keep it short and sweet.

Chelle from Coffee & Zombie Movies - And before you ask, yes, I totally followed her based upon the title of her blog. But I have yet to be disappointed by anything she ever writes because it's fucking HILAAARRIOUS and she draws pictures too. Hearts. I wish I was as funny as she is.
Doesn't this look amazing?
Riot Kitty - I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck Riot Kitty's blog is about but I can't really put my finger on anything in particular. There's a bunch of stuff on there, it's just whatever the hell she feels like writing, which is totally cool in my book. Plus, she posts lolcats pictures. Instant draw for people like me with the attention span of a carrot.
Patrick Tillett - I've never made any bones about my love for Pat and his blog and if you've followed me for any period of time you probably know that. Pat truly does deserve an Inspirational award for all the shit he has been through in his lifetime and he came out the other end a super awesome lovable human being. Shit, nothing bad has ever happened to me and I'm hardly bearable.
This sums Patrick up very neatly I think
Nikki from My Cyber House Rules - This is one badass 'fun and fearless female' (her phrase) right here folks. She just got into a women's roller derby team. TOTALLY HOT! I don't have a 10th of the balls she has to do something like that (and I'm pretty sure I can't move in roller blades or skates). If I ever am able to come out of my shell Nikki will be my next guest blogger.
She looks pretty legit to me.
Sandra from Absolutely Narcissism - This betch be crazy. The kind of crazy that makes you wish she lived nearby so you could take liquor over to her place and see what kind of trouble you can get into. She is endless sass and narcissism and not scared to admit it, and I sincerely hope that if I have crotch fruits of my own someday that I mother them just like she mothers hers.
She cooks in a crown and looks like a supermodel. What a betch!
Liz from Queen E The Third - I super love this little diva from Jersey (doesn't that just make you want to talk with an accent? I don't know if she has an accent or not. She probably does). Another straight up honest kind of girl which I always adore. She's going through a rough spot right now with her mother so make sure you stop over and send her some lovins.

Goofy Girl from There is Grandeur in This View of Life - Another one of my favorite bloggers; I love Goofy to itty bitty cute little pieces. You may remember her from an earlier guest post on my page, but she's another fun awesome femme that I wish was my neighbor because she rules and you should follow her blog. Goofy has hit a rough patch in life as well (we have discussed cuz we're homies) and could use some love too.
Disgustingly cute, right?
Laughing Mom from Where's the Funny Here? - This mommy blogger has a gift for humor and it boggles my mind why she does not have more followers showering her with love and adoration. I got in there early and when she blows up I'll be able to say that I was there first. Well, not first, but pretty close. So there. She finds the funny; you will too.
I still have to get this amazing decal that she found
The Shy Narcissist from Broke, Amusing, and Genius- Shy Narcissist(or AkelLove if you follow her twitter) is another one of those bloggers that is a little bit all over the place; the not-so-easy-to-peg blogger. She's a dollface and she's from Nairobi which instantly interests me because I am not from Nairobi and know nothing about it. And for calling herself a Narcissist she has very few photos (read: none) of herself on her blog. So we'll just go with her avatar here.
Shy is not really a bouquet
Chelsey from Misery and Merriment - Chelsey is also a crazy betch, a little whacked out, and a whole lot of funny and cute. She draws awesome pictures to go along with her stories too and I wubs her. Check her out for realz or else she might hurt you. Possibly. I wouldn't put it past her. She looks like she might cut a bitch if you cross her.
The caption on this photo is "Yaay! Drugs for me!" Well played, Chelsey

If you weren't included please don't feel bad. I still love you. Email me and once I'm not losing my mind I'll throw you up on guest post and talk about how much I love you. Hang in there with me guys, I've got some stress I need to overcome in the meantime.


  1. Cheryl - You're a dollface. And you're also a social media giant and know people who like you. Not enough people like me. Haha! :-D

  2. let's all be truthful here about why you've been depressed lately.

    it's because prince william is off the market.

  3. lol i'm a new follower and let me say that i love your blog, its hilarious! i hope you get better soon (:
    Your blog posts and drawings are awesome!

  4. You're Lucky I Don't Have a Gun - NO! Really, for reals, I could not give a shit less about the royal wedding. I have never thought those boys were cute and I don't care that one of them is getting hitched. I posted that on my FB and had half my friends rip me a new one though so I'm sure others are feeling sad over this.
    Kjbikakis - That is a really difficult name to type out. If I ever wanted to google you I'd just hit the keyboard with my fingers a few times like this dklfajd;ldkjdfkl. But thanks! I'm glad you're here! :-)

  5. Wow that is a pretty cool award.

    And yay for the freelancing!!!!

    Oh and congrats to the people you passed the award onto.

  6. Congrats on the Freelancing gig. Wicked.

    Thanks for Sharing a wonderful bunch of bloggers as well!

  7. This is just fantastic! Thank you so much. Steam me up, kid and The hot mess chronicles are my absolute favourites and to get an award from you just made my week :) and vagina...just in case you thought I was getting too sappy on you.

  8. First off, I noticed that the other nine people you gave this award to are women! Are you trying to say something about my demeanor? One good thing about it, I have a better moustache than any of them (I hope).

    Seriously though...
    Congrats on the getting the award! You are most deserving of whatever comes your way (good stuff, that is).
    Also, congrats to those you awarded and thanks so much for the nice words and passing it my way.

    Of the people you awarded, I only know Nikki (she is awesome). I'll be sure to check out the other links.
    Thanks again my friend!

  9. Oilfield - Thanks! And thanks s'more!
    Chelsey - Steam Me Up Kid is like 104302943 bazillion times more awesome than me and I have a huge girl crush on her too. I'm pretty sure she's a little nuts too which only makes me like her more. Congrats on the award! :-)
    Pat - OMG you're totally right!! I think I kind of went out on a girl-crush award rampage. Now I feel guilty for boxing out my favorite male bloggers :-( Next time I get something to pass on I will make sure not to be so stingy with the boys. It was no reflection on your demeanor, I just immediately thought of you when I thought of inspirational :-D

  10. Wow! So much to say...First girl, get thee to a medical professional. Crippling depression is something I can relate to - that is why I have happyhappyjoyjoy pills and a therapist. We all love your blog and the comments that you leave - but you need to put yourself first! I'm thrilled that you are freelancing - you have too much talent not to get more circulation! Thanks for the award and kind words on this post. If you want I can tell everyone that "you were my first!" I'll be checking out the other award winners that are new to me!

  11. Glad to hear you'll be back. Blogging is hard work. No, seriously. I'm unemployed and can't even keep up with it most of the time. The more followers you get, the more time you have to spend reading their stuff and commenting and...

    I'm going to go hyperventilate now.

  12. yeah for you! congrats on your award

  13. I'm glad to hear from you. Sorry you've been feeling low. I sure as hell can relate to that. Congrats on the award from MMW. She's a hot ticket that one! I love her. Great list to pass it on to as well. Be here waiting for you to get back to "normal". As if there really is a "normal" out there!

  14. Glad to hear from you, and hope you get back in the posting saddle soon! Hang in there. Oh and congrats on the award, and to all the recipients as well :-)

  15. D'AwwWW! SHANKS! :D

    PS. I've been kind of hermity too... but I don't think I'm experiencing a crippling depression currently. I am missing carbs an awful lot, though. *sips beer*.

    Feel better, you!

  16. Merci! You're right. It's not about anything in particular, just whatever I feel like writing about, because writing helps me stay (mostly) sane.

    Thanks again!

  17. Congrats Cake! I knew something had been missing in my blogging world and now I know it was a post from YOU! You only sound half insane so I wouldn't worry about anything, it's nothing a few beers and a night of WWE couldn't cure.

    BTW, Prince William could never a girl as hot as Kate without that "Prince" before his name.

    Get better...umkay?

  18. Get better...soon.
    I've been there,not fun.
    congrats on the award and congrats to the new winners :)

  19. laughingmom - I did. I went to the doctor and got blood drawn to make sure I don't have some kind of terrible disease (I don't). And you're welcome for the kind words, you deserve them :-)
    A Beer for the Shower - I know, and I feel TERRIBLE if I don't keep up with everyone. I always said that if hell froze over and my blog somehow got big I was ALWAYS going to make sure to read everyone else's blogs and stay active with them. I have been failing on this big time lately.
    Dr. Cynicism - Thanks bud, I appreciate it :-) I'll get back in the ol' saddle soon. I miss the blog and my bloggy friends.
    BayGirl32 - Thanks miss! :-)
    Bouncin' Barb - Yeah there is no 'normal' and if there is it definitely isn't me. I don't think I've ever claimed to be normal nor will I ever be. I just don't want to feel so crappy. I'm sure I'll get out of it, I just am mopey for now. Thanks for the support :-)
    Chelle - I noticed you have been a smidge absent on Twitter (which is about the only thing I've managed to keep up on). But yeah I know you haven't been feeling well and all that fun stuff.
    Riot Kitty - Well you're awesome. Keep it up.
    Chuck - Aww, hearts and virtual hugs. If I'm only half insane then I only have halfway to go to real insanity. Not sure if that's good or bad. And I totally agree; I wouldn't look twice at William on the street. Thanks for the support bud! :-D
    IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY - Yeah, not much fun at all. I'm working on getting better though. Thanks :-)

  20. This is the comment where I give you advice...don't groan, I rarely bother (ask my kids): Don't sweat the blog stuff. Don't worry about reading the other blog posts until you're in that mindset. People will not abandon you, you're a fucking (can I say that here ~looks around nervously~) rockstar!
    Thanks for the award! But more importantly, thanks for introducing me to those other bloggers, some I've never met before so that's on the agenda for me today! Take care. And if you be growing mushroom, I suggest the magic kind might help with the depression. Take care sweet friend! I'm following you on Twitter now too!

  21. Sandra - I'm trying not to sweat ANYTHING right now but it seems like I'm sweating EVERYTHING. I just don't want people to think I don't care about their blogs anymore or something. I hate that when people are too good to read others' blogs and I don't want to be that person. But hearts and you're welcome for the award :-)

  22. PS Forgot to say, congrats on the freelance gig! I know how hard those are to get.

  23. I too have had a major funk settle over me. It may be a BLOG VIRUS! I still want to do the guest post- but after the Fl trip next weekend--I should be in a better state of mind!- Get it--FL? State of mind....sigh......

    Just know that you are one of the Freshest most incredible people I have met in a while.

    Always ready to talk if you need an ear--I DON'T FIX--I just Listen. Weird for a Male right???

    Love ya tons...appreciate you more!


    Betch didn't pick my butt...see if I ever vis....wait--is this still on? OMG- tap tap

  24. This whole post was worth reading just to learn a new term: crotch fruit. Love it! I;m going to have to use that some day.

    Hang in there, CB! We'll be here when you get back. :-) In the meantime, take care. I've been "there", too, and it takes awhile to claw your way back.

  25. soapbox beat me to the point i was going to make... "crotch fruit," i'm envious that i didn't think that one up; you're quite the wordsmith, madam hot mess.

  26. John - Lol aww I <3 you John. Thanks. I really appreciate it :-)
    On My Soapbox - Haha I know, isn't it an awesome word? I can't take credit for it though; Midwestern Mama (Are You Serious) gave it to me and I loved it. And I already am feeling better. Thanks!
    My Name is Ian - Like I wrote above, not mine, but it is an amazing term for kids, huh? I was envious too!

  27. WOW! Look at all this blog loving! Its a love fest! Congrats on the much deserved award and wow. I don't know what to say, you put me in there with some REALLY amazing bloggers! Some big time peeps there!

    I love your cartoons and I hope you're feeling better already (with all this lurvin - who wouldn't?)

    Cheers and thanks again!

  28. You are so deserving of this award and more!

    Cue shower of awards.

    Cover your head girl!!


  29. Nikki Rules - I do feel better. Thanks miss Nikki :-P
    Mrsblogalot - Aww thanks! I don't know about that but I'm definitely not going to turn them down you know? Lol

  30. Haha, you cracked me up with your "Did you make up the last four questions yourself?" A-w-e-s-o-m-e.

    And, you really are inspirational: I realized that I no longer want to be a veterinarian. Thank you.

    PS: I hope you start feeling better.

  31. ShanimalsCrackers - Lol yeahhh just slipped that in there so I could say the things I was thinking and fool you into thinking people actually asked me these questions as if anyone actually cares. <~~ See what I did there? Smoke and mirrors.
    And thanks :-)

  32. @#$%^&! I F'n ♥ you!
    Still deep immersed in aforementioned "rough pach" but I'll be damned if a helluva blog post (or 2) don't come out of this sucker.
    Am being all secretive in a room for 20 min with my laptop... and came to you first (is that love or what?!)
    Will be back to my regularly unscheduled goofiness shortly... ♥

  33. nice on the job...ugh on the challenges of late...nikki sent me over to bring cheer...wish i brought cookies...cookies make everything better....

  34. Hey Cakey! I feel for you- have been through some of the same stuff myself. Likes, for totes. And, this is usually the worst time of year for me. Have you tried punching kittens? Works for me.

    Can't believe how many of those blogs I haven't heard of.... Guess I know what *I'm* doing instead of working today!

  35. Goofy - I noticed you've been pretty absent but I figured that's what it was. Don't worry, I totally understand :-)
    Brian - Thanks Brian! I wish you had brought cookies too, but I have some at home for just this occasion so I will just pretend they're from you. And hope that they're not poisoned. You wouldn't give me poison cookies would you?
    Caleb - I kinda like kittens. I would feel terrible punching them. I'm not so much a fan of them once they become cats though. Maybe I'll try that. Or I'll punch my own dog cause he's too stupid to feel pain (no seriously). Or maybe I'll punch Justin. I need more punching, for sure.

  36. Congrats on the inspiration award and the magazine job!

    Hope you are able to snap out of this depression. I hate those phases and wouldn't wish it on anyone in my book of people I consider cool.


    Totally understand the whole crippling depression not even wanting to move kind of feeling. I get it a lot. Then I flip to the opposite, because I'm bipolar, but it's not at all unicorns and rainbows. It's more like "let's see how much shyt I can get away with before something bad happens" and "OMG I have so much energy and nothing to do with it so let's be counterproductive and destroy things!!"...

    So, for the not feeling so great part, I'm sorry. I just found you, and you're abso-frikken-fantastic. Time to stalk you. Bwahaha. Feel better soon!

  38. Definitely more punching.

    There. Done. Checked out every single blog you listed. Who else has done that, huh? Who else?

    Yeah. I get "best reader who checks out the blogs that I give awards to when he happens to have the time and energy to do so" award. So nah.

  39. Rico Swaff - Does that mean you think I'm cool??? Aww I feel so special. And really good at fooling people into thinking I'm cool. But yeah I hate this phase and am ready to be done with it.
    Ashley - There's no way I'm going to figure out how to duplicate your name with all those fancy symbols, I am too lazy and inept. I'm not bipolar but I know people who are and I know it's not fun. If anything I'm really level generally and don't have many mood swings but I've just taken a nose dive recently. Glad to have you along though! And you're totally allowed to say shit, you don't have to change the i to a y.
    Caleb - I don't know! You'll have to get an award for "Doing shit that I told you to do" or something! Maybe I'll make up a blog award. That would be fun, but would also require effort, which is something I can make very little of. For now I will just offer you virtual hugs and kisses.

  40. Hiya Betch,
    Hope you get to feeling better.

    I came over from Miss Nikki, and I see you have a bunch of my regular haunts on your blogroll. Love your site... I'll be back.

  41. bluzdude - Hiya bluzdude! I am feeling better, thank you. I'm glad you like it and glad you'll be coming back as well :-D I appreciate the nice comment.

  42. Don't worry about duplicating the name. Just saying Ashley will do (unless you feel like copy/pasting, lol).

    Just mentioned that because....damn I know how it feels to be that far down. And it sucks. And I don't like seeing other people there. And I said shyt out of force of habit, from talking to people who didn't like seeing the I in there, and I didn't realize it until after I post. And now I am laughing at myself for it. I didn't even notice :P

  43. Ashley - Yep, didn't even think of copy and paste. I'm awesome. And it's okay that you didn't cuss, but please feel free to do so on my page. I obviously do not have any issues with poor language :-D

  44. I'm sometimes awesome too. And I will feel free to do so in the future. Should I begin here? Shit, damn, hell, bitch..... In fact, I feel encouraged. Thank you :P Now I just have to control it around my ultra-conservative family for fear of excommunication or flogging (maybe not that extreme, but they don't even like me to say the word crap, they'd lose it after seeing this haha....)

  45. Ashley - Yes, please, curse. It makes me feel like less of a shitty person when I get others to be shitty people too. Wait, is that bad? Probably not. I can curse like a sailor around my parents even though they don't curse so that probably hasn't helped my potty mouth.


    Mail of the Living Dead:
    A Zombie Mail Art Call

  47. I'm a Superhero - Excellent! Cause if there are zombies here I sure as shit don't want them.

  48. I'm not even sure how I got to your blog, but one thing I know: I LOVE IT.

    Also, we have many favorite blogs in common. (Y)

    Congrats on the award.

    Keep on rocking.

  49. Here... this might cheer you up. Go to

    You can't help but walk away feeling like your day is just a tab bit brighter because of it.

  50. Lemons Don't Make Lemonade - Aww thanks!! :-) And great minds think alike, right? :-D
    Onion Girl - Hahahahaha, OMG. That was fabulous. We might be best friends now. Not in the creepy I'm going to stalk you kind of way. You've got style, lady. You've got style.

  51. oi
    good luck with freelancing :D
    that picture with golf supply store really sounds funny :D

  52. Laughing Vault - Thanks! I'll send it to you if I can find it.

  53. Sorry I am late to this party--you know I have been deathly ill and fatalistic on top of it, ha.

    Also, I do not discriminate against completely insane comments :D :D but I will not be upset if I don't see you, as I tend to go into blog hibernation myself from time to time. Let me know if I can do anything for you! I'm not very good at cookies but I make a mean poundcake from Elvis's favorite recipe :)

  54. greengeekgirl - I know you've been sick. I haven't been sick (well, other than mentally but that's nothing new) and have not been able to do much of anything at all. No hard feelings whatsoever. And mmmmmm poundcake!


Talk to the Cake Betch - I'll always respond. Unless you're a dick, then I'll just be mad.