Awards and Dysfunction

Hi everyone! Hi new followers! So glad you came to follow me right when I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Now the REAL shit-show will begin! I'm just kidding. Please don't leave me.

A few of the questions I have received in the past two weeks:

Are you dead?
> No, I am alive, but I'm barely functioning. You should see my house, I'm pretty sure I'm cultivating mushrooms somewhere, and not the fun kind.

New post soon?
> I would love to be able to do one and I did finally come up with an idea for a new post but my brain is not really working like I would like it to. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me but I've spent the last two or three weeks in a constant hazy coma of crippling depression. FUN, right! I know. But it has basically hindered my ability to do anything other than this:

Are you still going to do my guest post?
> Yes. I still fully intend on doing the guest posts I've received (both as guests on my blog and my posts on your blogs). Once again, the loss of brain function and lack of desire to do anything but sleep all day has prohibited me from working on these posts. They will get done, I just don't know when.

Are you going to explode in a burning fire of self-pity and doubt?
> It is very possible.

Why haven't you commented on my blog posts recently?
> See above. I am barely feeding myself. I've got like 300 blogs I need to read. I am trying to go through them but please don't think I've abandoned you if I haven't written you love notes recently. It's not you, it's me. For reals.

Anything new going on?
> YES, actually. I'm going to be (hopefully) freelancing for 614 Magazine!! Awesome right? I didn't win (or even place) in the ColumBEST blogger award but I still (maybe) got a job out of it. Win!

Would you like me to send you a gift of cookies?
> UM, HELLFUCKINGYES???

Did you make up the last four questions yourself?
> Totally.

Are you still there? Sweet. Okay. I know I'm totallyfuckingboring.

I also won an award! Yaaaays! I'm pretty sure that I was just gifted this award as a pity gift because I'm not quite sure how in the hell anything I've ever written could be remotely inspirational, but it is what it is. I got this inspirational award from the lovely, frank, entertaining Minute Man's Wife. Her blog covers love and life, relationships, and anything else in between. If you haven't read her work before you should probably go check her out right now and leave her some love. Thank you my dear.

As part of the rules of this award I need to pass it on to 10 more inspirational bloggers. I would like to do more than 10 because I really love you all shitloads, but I will keep it short and sweet.

Chelle from Coffee & Zombie Movies - And before you ask, yes, I totally followed her based upon the title of her blog. But I have yet to be disappointed by anything she ever writes because it's fucking HILAAARRIOUS and she draws pictures too. Hearts. I wish I was as funny as she is.

Doesn't this look amazing?

Riot Kitty - I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck Riot Kitty's blog is about but I can't really put my finger on anything in particular. There's a bunch of stuff on there, it's just whatever the hell she feels like writing, which is totally cool in my book. Plus, she posts lolcats pictures. Instant draw for people like me with the attention span of a carrot.

SOLD!

Patrick Tillett - I've never made any bones about my love for Pat and his blog and if you've followed me for any period of time you probably know that. Pat truly does deserve an Inspirational award for all the shit he has been through in his lifetime and he came out the other end a super awesome lovable human being. Shit, nothing bad has ever happened to me and I'm hardly bearable.

This sums Patrick up very neatly I think

Nikki from My Cyber House Rules - This is one badass 'fun and fearless female' (her phrase) right here folks. She just got into a women's roller derby team. TOTALLY HOT! I don't have a 10th of the balls she has to do something like that (and I'm pretty sure I can't move in roller blades or skates). If I ever am able to come out of my shell Nikki will be my next guest blogger.

She looks pretty legit to me.

Sandra from Absolutely Narcissism - This betch be crazy. The kind of crazy that makes you wish she lived nearby so you could take liquor over to her place and see what kind of trouble you can get into. She is endless sass and narcissism and not scared to admit it, and I sincerely hope that if I have crotch fruits of my own someday that I mother them just like she mothers hers.

She cooks in a crown and looks like a supermodel. What a betch!

Liz from Queen E The Third - I super love this little diva from Jersey (doesn't that just make you want to talk with an accent? I don't know if she has an accent or not. She probably does). Another straight up honest kind of girl which I always adore. She's going through a rough spot right now with her mother so make sure you stop over and send her some lovins.

Goofy Girl from There is Grandeur in This View of Life - Another one of my favorite bloggers; I love Goofy to itty bitty cute little pieces. You may remember her from an earlier guest post on my page, but she's another fun awesome femme that I wish was my neighbor because she rules and you should follow her blog. Goofy has hit a rough patch in life as well (we have discussed cuz we're homies) and could use some love too.

Disgustingly cute, right?

Laughing Mom from Where's the Funny Here? - This mommy blogger has a gift for humor and it boggles my mind why she does not have more followers showering her with love and adoration. I got in there early and when she blows up I'll be able to say that I was there first. Well, not first, but pretty close. So there. She finds the funny; you will too.

I still have to get this amazing decal that she found

The Shy Narcissist from Broke, Amusing, and Genius- Shy Narcissist(or AkelLove if you follow her twitter) is another one of those bloggers that is a little bit all over the place; the not-so-easy-to-peg blogger. She's a dollface and she's from Nairobi which instantly interests me because I am not from Nairobi and know nothing about it. And for calling herself a Narcissist she has very few photos (read: none) of herself on her blog. So we'll just go with her avatar here.

Shy is not really a bouquet

Chelsey from Misery and Merriment - Chelsey is also a crazy betch, a little whacked out, and a whole lot of funny and cute. She draws awesome pictures to go along with her stories too and I wubs her. Check her out for realz or else she might hurt you. Possibly. I wouldn't put it past her. She looks like she might cut a bitch if you cross her.

The caption on this photo is "Yaay! Drugs for me!" Well played, Chelsey

If you weren't included please don't feel bad. I still love you. Email me and once I'm not losing my mind I'll throw you up on guest post and talk about how much I love you. Hang in there with me guys, I've got some stress I need to overcome in the meantime.

Why I'm not a Veterinarian

When I was growing up I always thought I'd be one of two things: an artist or a veterinarian.

 I realized soon enough that I was not in fact going to sell pictures of ninja turtles any time soon so shortly after I turned 16 I decided to look into becoming a vet. My dad, who always encourages these kinds of endeavors, knew someone that worked in a vet's office and asked if I could come in for the day and shadow her and see what it was all about. I was thrilled!

It was one of the worst days of my life.

First of all, the nice lady that my dad knew was not there the day I came in. She also didn't really fill anyone else in on the fact that I would be there, so I showed up like a noob and was basically shlepped off  on a bunch of busy, irritated, not-so-friendly vets and vet techs. Not a good start to the day.

I sat on a bench with my thumb up my ass in the back for over an hour before someone decided to take pity on me and show me around. I tried to be as cheery sunshine as fucking possible, hoping someone would take me under their wing so I wouldn't feel like such an idiot.

One doctor said I could sit in while he did a spay on a puppy. A spay? Sure! How bad can it be?

Let me tell you how a spay is performed. Better yet, let me tell you how a spay WAS performed, at THIS vet clinic. It was a small poodle, maybe five months old, and she was already unconscious on the table. Quite without warning the doctor just grabs a scalpel and slits her little belly open.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Okay, we're cool, we're cool. Don't freak out.

The good fellow then proceeds to get what appears to be a small silver hook and jab it repeatedly in and out of the dog's belly, attempting to pull her ovaries out through the gap. This took a good fifteen minutes of digging and pulling, then pushing innards back in until the prize was found.

Honestly I do not remember where the procedure went from there because there is only so much dog intestine being yanked out with a hook I can handle before my brain shuts down. The next thing I remember was him sewing the dog back up and sending me on my way back to the bench.

More sitting.

Time to see how a cat gets de-clawed. You know how that's done?

Pretty much all they do is knock the cat out and then take a razor blade to it's claws. PARTY PARTY PARTY FUN FUN FUN.

Then there's a sort of rush. Someone asks me if I want to come stand watch them catheterize  a cat. Sure! Haha! What's 'catheterize' mean?

But here's the best part. No only was this a male cat, this cat was dying. He was dying in front of my eyes. I didn't realize it at first, he jut seemed really fucking out of it.

There were like four people around this bloated thing trying to get the catheter into poor Mr. Kitty and having a lot of difficulty. Thankfully the old sack didn't seem to notice cause he was so far gone. I don't remember the context of the situation but he had crystals in his urine which had blocked up his urethra and now he was dying because he was being poisoned by his own piss.

Awesome way to go, right??

So she's fighting and cursing and roughing this animal around and that's when she says he's dying and I realize what's happening and I start to really lose it. She's got the catheter in and is squeezing some bloody urine down the table into a gutter, but apparently the catheter wasn't working to her satisfaction.

So I'm standing there freaking out at the end of the table watching all this go down and suddenly the doctor decides that this catheter isn't going to work and yanks it out. Not removed it, yanked it. And you know what happened when she did that? It whiplashed towards me and SPLATTERED MY FACE WITH BLOODY CAT URINE.

I don't know how I did it but I managed to stand there while they euthanized the cat. Then I excused myself to the bathroom and sat on the toilet for 20 minutes because I couldn't see straight. I have never passed out before in my life but everything was going black and white and the room was spinning. I couldn't stand up. I didn't know what to do.

When I finally got up the balls to return to the little veterinarian's office of horrors they told me that there wasn't really anything else they could show me today and I'm sure you can imagine that was totally fine with me. They asked me to wait a few minutes though.

The receptionist gruffly took me into a back room and told me that they'd pay me $5 and some change an hour if I wanted to work in the kennels cleaning dog and cat poop and giving meds and water and food. I managed to stand upright while I politely told her I would consider her offer.

I then left the building, tossed my cookies in the parking lot beside my car, and drove home knowing that I would never become a veterinarian. I never called them back about their stupid job, either.

Want to Feel Real Old?

Today is my youngest sister Shelby's 17th birthday. She is every bit the shit-head snarky know-it-all teenager that you and I and everyone else was or will be at some point in their lives. She loves to call me old (I am 9 years and 4 months older) and otherwise make fun of me. I am not too saddened by this because I know once she hits 24 the realization will set in that she's going to be old someday too. Maybe she'll even have her first gray hairs (like I did at that age.... FML).

Anyway, in honor of Shelby's birthday and her penchant for making me feel old, I'm going to pass on this story to you, my dear readers, so you may share in my pain as well.

One day a few months ago Justin was having conversation with Shelby. It went like this:

Shelby: Oh, I love Band of Brothers!

Justin: Yeah, it's so awesome when what's his name gets what's coming to him... who was that guy... uh... you know...

Shelby: No?

Justin: DAVID SCHWIMMER!

Shelby: Who?

Justin: You know, Ross?

Shelby: Ross?

Now this might seem crazy, I mean, who hasn't heard of 'Friends'? Seriously. Even if you didn't watch the show (like me) you heard everyone else and their mothers and brothers talking about it all the time. You heard the Smelly Cat song. Jennifer Aniston's haircut made national news. The Friends had babies and got married or something. 

Friends was on the air for ten years, from September 1994 to May 2004. Here's the thing though. Shelby was born the same year that friends debued and was 10 years old when it went off the air. 

She really has no idea what "Friends" is.

Feel old? I fucking do.

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Water Can Go To Hell

You know what I hate?

Water! Yes! I'm looking at you, Water! Fuck you!

Don't give me that look water. You're ridiculous. I'm so tired of your bullshit. Everyone is all "Water is so good for you" and "Water helps you lose weight" and "Water makes your skin look good" and "Water tastes so refreshing!"

You know what tastes good, Water? BEER! Beer tastes good. Wine tastes good. Lattes taste good. Milkshakes taste good. You only taste good when you've been brewed with yeast and hops and barley and then fermented and placed in a brown bottle. You taste like the fucking junk coming out of the pipes of my century old house! Minerals and dust? MMMMMMMMMMM.

NO!

But your body is mostly water! FUCK YOU water, I never gave you permission! I have to have you, or I'm going to die?? How fair is that? I'm born with this addiction and it's all your fault, Water. You know what I want to be mostly made up of? PIZZA. Pizza tastes good.

Oh, look, here's another form of you, Water! SNOW and fucking ICE!

You just know how to make all KINDS of friends, don't you Water? I KNOW it's fucking you, I almost finished fourth grade, motherfucker - you can't fool me with your temperature changy-trick! Now I have to wear ten layers of clothing because I'm freezing my ass off AND I risk my life every day when I leave the house because I have to drive on you! And since you're totally transparent it makes it a huge guessing game! HAHA! Russian Roulette FTW, right Water? You sadist. We'll see how fucking smart you are in the next month or two!

"Drink one fluid ounce of water per pound of body weight per day!"

JEEEEESSSSSUUUUUUSSSSS. Yeah, drinking over a gallon of water a day is totally doable. You know what else is doable? Having to pee every fucking hour. SO MUCH FUN!

We're DONE, Water. This relationship is over until you get your fucking act together. And please leave us alone when you see me out with beer.