Wednesday, August 31, 2011

A Few More Things

Hey Everbudi.

It has been over a month since my last post, and I know a lot of you came here thinking I finally fucking got around to doing something amusing, but alas.

I just wanted to say two things:

1.) Today is my blog's first birthday. It is exactly on this date one year ago that I drew a picture and posted a blog. It's super fucking boring, but if you want to read it, here's a link.

2.) My coworker who is a mechanic and kinda relies on his ability to stand to make a living had a really bad accident at work yesterday. A PVC airline exploded out in the back behind the shop and pretty much decimated his left leg - apparently it blew a edit: it's a 2" hole (not a 1/2" like I originally wrote) through his skin and muscle and snapped a 6" piece of bone out between his knee and shin. Pretty fucking fucked up. He's not going to be able to use it for 8 - 12 months, which is probably not good since he's into the whole manual labor thing.

The kicker (HAHA I MAKE FUNNY PUN) is that he was about to leave for lunch but before he left he took Kaiser out back to use the restroom. While he was standing out there waiting the line exploded and took his grizzled old ass out. He handled it like a boss while he waited for the squad to arrive and I'm sure it didn't feel real good.

We're about to go to the hospital to visit him, so I made him this card to hang on his wall for him to admire until he's discharged. That's his motorcycle; he rode it in yesterday and obviously did not ride it home so we're keeping it in the garage.

Anyway, do me a favor and say a prayer, send up good vibes, do a rain dance - whatever it is you subscribe to - that his leg gets fixed and he's back on his feet and back in the garage being a pain in the ass ASAP. Leave him a nice comment and next week I'll print it off and take it to him so he knows he's got a bunch of support.

Edit:  If you're one of those sick bastards that can handle gross photos, here are some pictures of his leg that I'm republishing with his permission of course.

Please be forewarned - if you can't handle blood, woods, gore, or anything of the kind, you might not want to check these out. They're cleaned up but they're still not the easiest thing to look at.

View of hole
Hole and leg (note the stitches on knee and shin where metal rod was place)
Picture of thigh after skin graft (graft used to up cover hole in leg)

Spanks guys :-)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Overreactions Are Fun

First things first:

I'm sorry that it takes me so long to make these. I know some of you start getting antsy, but frankly I am a.) lazy, b.) actually working now, and c.) lazy and it takes me forever to get these done. You can expect one every.... iunno, two to three weeks. I have basically no inspiration and I have to wait for something stupid to happen before I can write about it. Quality over quantity. Well, somewhat quality.

This is a conversation I had two weeks ago with a guy from the vet hospital I take Kaiser to. The gist is that Kaiser needed to get his stomach tacked (i.e. a 'gastropexy') to help prevent death if he bloats, and I wanted to get his hips x-rayed because he seems to be standing weird and it's making me nervous. Large breed dogs can develop hip dysplasia right around a year and a half of age (which is what Kaiser is) and if you don't know anything about it let me just tell you that it's bad. And expensive. 

So, this is me calling up the hospital... beep boop beep boop beep.

Douchefuck: Blankity blank vet hospital?

Me: Hey, I have a Great Dane named Kaiser and I want to get him set up for an x-ray and/or orthopedic evaluation because he's been standing strangely. Also, I want to set up an appointment to get his stomach tacked. When I was there last time the doctor told me they can probably do an x-ray for his hips while he is in surgery for a stomach tacking?

Uh.... okay. You said gastropexy and neuter?

No, he's been neutered. I want to get his stomach tacked and his hips x-rayed because I'm concerned that he might have hip dysplasia. His trot and walk are fine, but he stands with his hips turned out at an awkward angle and I just want to get him checked to make sure nothing is going on.

Oh, okay, well most people get the gastropexy and the neuter at the same time.

He's already been neutered. A year ago.

Ah. Well you'll have to make two separate appointments because the soft tissue surgery and the orthopedics will require two separate appointments.

I had him in there about two weeks ago for eye surgery and the doctor told me they could probably do the gastropexy and then x-ray his hips while he was unconscious.

No, it'll require two separate appointments. The gastropexy we can do next week but the orthopedic is going to be out until.... August 4th. He'll also be here for three days.

I'm sorry, three days? Is that for the gastropexy or the x-ray...?

Yes, the gastropexy; all surgeries are typically three days, appointment the first day, surgery the next day, goes home the third day.

Huh, well I just had him in for eye surgery and he came home the same day?

Yeah, no, it's three days.

Okay, well that's fine. Can we set that up?

Sure.... okay, so the gastropexy and the neuter, we have July 25th available, 10:45am or 11:15am?

Just the gastropexy surgery. He was neutered last year. I'd like the 11:15am appointment please.

Okay. You're all set.

Can I also set up an appointment now to get an orthopedic evaluation? If it's not available until next month I'd like to just set it up now.

Yes, but that's not available until August 4th.

That's fine, lets go ahead and set it up now because I noticed the hip thing about two weeks ago and I want to get them checked out to make sure nothing is going on.

Okay, has he been to blankity blank hospital before? 

.....Yes, he was there two weeks ago for eye surgery.

Oh okay. What's your name?


What's your last name?


What's the dog's name?


Okay, we've got a 10:45 on August 3rd.

10:45 on August third? Because you said fourth a minute ago.

Yes, the third.

Okay, that's fine.

Okay, so he has an awkward gait you said?

No, his gait is fine. HE IS STANDING WEIRD.

Okay, so what's he doing? 

He just stopped and one of his legs was turned out. Since this is about the time when they start developing Hip Dysplasia, I want to get him looked at.

Okay. I'm assuming this is a big dog?


Yeah...... he could have Hip Dysplasia. Has anyone used that term with you yet?


Okay, I just want to make sure I'm writing this all down right. You know that's major surgery right? That's about a $4,000 surgery.


You thought I was going to shoot Kaiser at first, didn't you?

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Voluntary Vehicular Manslaughter

I am pretty sure that I have road rage, guys.

It dawned on me last week as I was driving home and imagining swerving up onto the sidewalk or going through the stop sign and running over every smug bastard out jogging that maybe I have a problem. I mean, I can find someone to run over every time I drive my car anywhere. Even if I just drive somewhere in my neighborhood there are people that I want to run over.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I a complete psychopath?

Of course, I would never run anyone over. Well, I haven't yet. 

On the "To Run-Over" List:
- People riding their bike in front of me when I'm trying to drive anyfuckingwhere.

- Pretty much anyone riding their bike

- Old people trying to cross the street that are really slow

- Smug bastards running or walking (yeah, look at you, exercising! Fuck you!)

- Little kids playing in the street (natural selection)

- People who take their sweet ass fucking time walking across the road when they see me coming

- People who walk across the street even when they don't have the 'Walk' sign because they know if I hit them I'm at fault no matter what

- People wearing yellow
- Construction workers who think because they're working in the road they fucking own it

- The cop that works the construction zone up the street from my house that fucking waves her arms nonstop and confuses me

- Bums on the side of the road

- Anyone collecting money for any cause in the middle of an intersection or roadway

And yes, that is the car I drive (well, it's a drawing of it). So if you see me coming please find a fucking sidewalk and get your ass to it. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I'm Officially a Dirty Hippy

Haha just kidding. I totally drink out of plastic bottles and don't recycle them.

What I'm referring to is my 'camping trip.' What I actually did was go to Bonnaroo. I know I know, sorry for the deception, but I'm all like, "What if there's a crazy person that knows I'm leaving my house and knows where I live and wants to break into my house and wear my tampons as a hat?"

Not that I think any of you fine folks would actually do that, but if you follow me there is a possibility that you might be just a little off. Safety first!

Btw - When we got home we had to deal with this:

No idea how long that was like that. I bet my neighbors fucking loooooooooooove that. Well not these neighbors because they sleep during the day and crawl around like spiders at night.

I could probably write like 40 blog entries about Bonnaroo. Seriously, it was that fucking ridiculously crazy.
We can't get this in Ohio. We were really thrilled because basically all we did was get drunk. 
If you don't know anything about Bonnaroo look it up you fucking asshole! I'll make a short list of ways to decide if you want to go or not.

You should go to Bonnaroo if:

  • You prefer to not shower for a week while simultaneously experiencing direct sunlight from 8:00am to 5:30pm, the most dust you've seen outside of grandma's panties, and 90+ degree weather.
  • You love to inhale dust and have black boogers
My leg isn't really that fat, it's a bad angle. I swear. I have nice legs.
  • You love to be accosted by hippies that walk around following the smell of weed so they can, "You know, make a trade, man."
  • You love to sleep on the ground in a tent that is over 100 degrees by 8:00am. Also, the tent leaks at night when it rains. 
  • You love severe sunburns even though you put on an entire gallon of 50spf lotion
  • You love to smell yourself with the rankest BO you ever produced, as well as 500,000 OTHER people's BO. 

  • You love to walk 20 fucking miles every day
  • You love to sit in your car for 5 hours waiting to get into the campground
  • You're one of those people that HAS to have bragging rights about going to such and such concert and seeing such and such band. 
  • You love asking your neighbor to jump your truck and then realizing that he and his wife are in their car smoking some meth
  • You love to hear that same neighbor scream such things at his wife as: "You're a WHORE. No YOU'RE a piece of shit! I'm not the one sexting my BOYFRIEND while I'm on vacation with my HUSBAND." Then watch her throw cans at his head and run away. Yeah. Domestic abuse is SO MUCH FUN.
  • You enjoy sitting under a canopy for up to six hours because it's too goddamned hot to even move. 

  • You love to sit on dirt a mile away from every band you could possibly want to see
  • You love having your only bathroom be a Porta John that sits and bakes in the sun all goddamned day and is filled with flies and used by other dirty hippies that aren't shy about shitting on the floor or pissing all over the toilet seat. Bonus points if you love not using toilet paper and waiting in line for 40 minutes to use the bathroom. 

I'm sorry to any of you that read this and have gone to Bonnaroo and enjoyed it. What the fuck were you thinking?? It was probably the worst thing I've ever done in my life.

Justin and I were talking about Aborigines  (you know, like you do) on the way home and how they go on a "walkabout" or spiritual journey. I feel like Bonnaroo was my spiritual journey, my test of strength. I honestly thought I'd lose my mind and bludgeon Justin or some hapless hippy to death with the useless fan in our tent. You might say that I'm a tid bit high-maintenance, but I say I'm just too old to fucking want to do that shit ever fucking again. Basically, I learned that I'm a much tougher mo fo than I thought I was.

And much smellier too. I mean, I knew before that I could work up a mean case of BO, but I have washed my pits like four times with antibacterial soap and they STILL STINK.  

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Planning a Group Camping Trip

Just as the title states, planning a group camping trip via email. Just for FYI, Jessica's nickname is Poopy so those names are exchangeable. Just to avoid confusion. As if that nickname isn't confusing.

Also, in case anyone hasn't figured it out my real name is Tara.

Click to enlarge if you can't make out the text.


Thursday, May 26, 2011

Guest Post: Nikki from My Cyber House Rules

Holy. Crap. I finished the guest blog, and it's only Thursday. And I put in plenty of pictures, so all you people that were pissed off at me for the last post can love me and give me web traffic and cyber hugs again.

SO! This month's guest blog is from Nikki at My Cyber House Rules (and you might know her as Marr Bulls from Be the Doll...). She sent me this guest post like fifty nine years ago and I promptly pushed her out for Justin's guest post and then had a mental breakdown and didn't do shit on it. So now, finally, it is finished. I'm sorry it took a fucking eon, Nikki. I hope you like it. And I hope all you cupcakes like it too. You can find her original blog at My Homies Wear Depends and Smell Like Mothballs.

Next up on guest blogs: Mike "Awesome Guy McGee". I don't know if he wants me to put his last name out there on the interwebz and I don't know if he has a webpage. If he does I'll get it from him and you can see him for yourself. And..... scene.

Living at a marina is totally like living in a retirement home. All the homies are like... well - old. Older than I am anyways.

I take my daily shower at the pool since showering in the boat is a pain in the old buttocks (maybe I am older than I want to admit, yeah, sure...). Yesterday as I was skipping my way to the showers, I came to a slow crawl as some lady got to the door before me. So I had to slowly very slowly follow her in. She stopped when she sensed me "you are being followed" I chanted behind her. With a smile. But the smile was wasted on her behind.

She finally makes her way to the shower corridor. Finally. I'm dying behind her! And she opens the first stall and stands behind it.

Okaaaaay... I start putting my stuff on the counter. And slowly wonder what it could possibly mean if she opens the door and stands behind it. Is she "reserving" that stall for herself? Am I supposed to walk around the door to one of the next stalls?

I'm new here, and I've never seen anything like this before! So, I do what any uncertain person would do: "Are using the first stall?" She shutters, or stutters, or whatever it was. "No I just want privacy!" Okaaaaaaay... I take my clothes off, pile it up on the counter because the bench is now off limits being blocked by the door to the 1st stall. I hang up my towel by my door and enter the shower. Close the door. Wonder if it's ok to close it since now she is exposed to whatever it was she wanted privacy from.


I'm in my shower taking my sweet ass time because that's what I do. I love long hot showers. It dawns on me that I still haven't heard my neighbor start her shower yet. But... whatever. Then IT happens: her hand is clutching my door. (Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I'm freaked out, what do I do???)

I stand frozen not knowing what the hell is happening. The shower door is one of those glazed over glass doors. Maybe it's Plexiglas, not important. What IS important is what she does next. She is still fully clothed and she is doing squats. Using my door for balance.

What the fuck? Where am I again?

Now I start taking even more time. Rinse. Apply again. Rinse. Condition. Leave in hair for 3-5 minutes. Pull out my cute little soap fuzzer thing (you should see it, it's a rubber ducky with a swim mask tied to a pooffer, I love it!) and pour some yummy smelling pink bubble gum soap on it (I know, this detail is not needed to the story, but if you ever do find some bubble gum smelling soap let me know, I want more of it and mine was a hotel sample).

By the time I am finally done she is still clutching and squatting. Up - down - up - down with her banana yellow t-shirt. What am I supposed to do? Yell out "watch your fingers" and slam the door open as I jump out and stand naked in front of her clamoring how privacy is so important to me too?

Really! WHAT is the public shower etiquette for old lady hanging on to your shower door as she does her morning exercises? Oh where is Martha Stewart when I need her? I slowly open the door, grab my towel and wrap it around me. (Sorry, no drawing for you... maybe next time *editor's note: here ya go:

I take all my stuff out of the shower, and close the door. She huffs. Looks at me like I'm a total moron and a very rude one at that. And opens the door again. "My privacy! Remember?" And huffs again.

Not sure about the etiquette, but giggling in these situations? Totally unavoidable. Totally. Sorry Martha, you'd be astounded by my rudeness after you were done laughing at her too! Oh, and let me tell you I took even more time after that! By now this is fun as she is OBVIOUSLY waiting for me to leave before she unveils her spectacular self. Privacy-shmivacy! You know how long it takes to puff-daddy comb my hair? As I stand there with nothing but my towel and my day dreams? FOR-EV-FUCKIN-VER!

Now she is standing behind her glazed over glass or plexiglas door waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. As I crawl around. Heh heh heh. See? I can be totally devilish... I never did find out though if she took her shower or not. I got bored and left while totally repeating over and over in my head: " I will so blog about this tomorrow."

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Random Shiznit

So every once in a while the fact that I'm totally out of ideas for stupid pictures and stories creeps up to bite me in the ass along with the fact that I want to write about stuff that doesn't necessarily include stupid pictures and stories. Every time I post one of these I'm always like, "OH NOES if I don't post pictures I'm going to lose followers!"

So here's a stupid picture to start:

Okay, now that I've got your attention and love back, I have a few things to say:

1.) HAVE YOU SEEN MY NEW BLOG HEADER? My BNF (Best Neighbor Forever) from another state, Goofy Girl from There Is Grandeur in This View of Life, made it for me. I was all, "I fucking suck and have no ideas even though I'm supposed to do this for a living." And BAM, she sends me a new header. <3

2.) I have a guest post over here at I AM BMAC. Bryant says I'm a fruit fly! Woot! He also lies and says my blog is "wildly popular"(<~~ hahahaha) so that's fun. Also there is a picture of me (a REAL picture) over there so if you want to see a picture that I didn't take in a bathroom mirror, there you go. Now go read Bryant's blog!

3.) I got ANOTHER blog award. I know, right, what the fuck is wrong with people?? I received the Versatile Blogger Award from Peevie Juice. Peevie Juice is such a weird name, right? Sounds kind of perverted. But it's actually not, he says it's a Scottish term for "drunk", so his name is Drunk on Juice. My kind of guy. Plus he's weird. So we are instant friends. Since I've gotten this before and I'm afraid to scare ya'll off with more text and no pictures I'm just going to pimp him out and thank him (THANKS PEEVIE JUICE) and not repost it.
EDIT: So I'm a huge asshole and forgot that Ashley at Perpetually Me gave me this award back on May 15th. I'm going to blame the drugs I'm on (prescribed of course). But it's still no excuse for forgetting because Ashley is an awesome blogger and super sweet. Sorry Ashley, please forgive me!

WAIT DON'T LEAVE, I have another picture!!

4.) Keith has a blog too (The Keith Miles) and draws super cute pictures too. He told me on Saturday that he was waiting for me to comment on his pictures and I didn't and he was sad and it broke my heart. So I drew myself as a dinosaur for Keith. Go visit Keith and love him! Seriously, or I'll cutcha.

That's all for now. I swear to fuck I'm drawing a guest post that I got like four years ago and I'll hopefully have it done by Friday. Until then, find me on Twitter, cause I can do that from my phone (read: it's easy so I do it more often).