A Few More Things

Hey Everbudi.

It has been over a month since my last post, and I know a lot of you came here thinking I finally fucking got around to doing something amusing, but alas.

I just wanted to say two things:

1.) Today is my blog's first birthday. It is exactly on this date one year ago that I drew a picture and posted a blog. It's super fucking boring, but if you want to read it, here's a link.

2.) My coworker who is a mechanic and kinda relies on his ability to stand to make a living had a really bad accident at work yesterday. A PVC airline exploded out in the back behind the shop and pretty much decimated his left leg - apparently it blew a edit: it's a 2" hole (not a 1/2" like I originally wrote) through his skin and muscle and snapped a 6" piece of bone out between his knee and shin. Pretty fucking fucked up. He's not going to be able to use it for 8 - 12 months, which is probably not good since he's into the whole manual labor thing.

The kicker (HAHA I MAKE FUNNY PUN) is that he was about to leave for lunch but before he left he took Kaiser out back to use the restroom. While he was standing out there waiting the line exploded and took his grizzled old ass out. He handled it like a boss while he waited for the squad to arrive and I'm sure it didn't feel real good.

We're about to go to the hospital to visit him, so I made him this card to hang on his wall for him to admire until he's discharged. That's his motorcycle; he rode it in yesterday and obviously did not ride it home so we're keeping it in the garage.

Anyway, do me a favor and say a prayer, send up good vibes, do a rain dance - whatever it is you subscribe to - that his leg gets fixed and he's back on his feet and back in the garage being a pain in the ass ASAP. Leave him a nice comment and next week I'll print it off and take it to him so he knows he's got a bunch of support.

Edit:  If you're one of those sick bastards that can handle gross photos, here are some pictures of his leg that I'm republishing with his permission of course.


Please be forewarned - if you can't handle blood, woods, gore, or anything of the kind, you might not want to check these out. They're cleaned up but they're still not the easiest thing to look at.


View of hole
Hole and leg (note the stitches on knee and shin where metal rod was place)
Picture of thigh after skin graft (graft used to up cover hole in leg)

Spanks guys :-)

Overreactions Are Fun

First things first:


I'm sorry that it takes me so long to make these. I know some of you start getting antsy, but frankly I am a.) lazy, b.) actually working now, and c.) lazy and it takes me forever to get these done. You can expect one every.... iunno, two to three weeks. I have basically no inspiration and I have to wait for something stupid to happen before I can write about it. Quality over quantity. Well, somewhat quality.


This is a conversation I had two weeks ago with a guy from the vet hospital I take Kaiser to. The gist is that Kaiser needed to get his stomach tacked (i.e. a 'gastropexy') to help prevent death if he bloats, and I wanted to get his hips x-rayed because he seems to be standing weird and it's making me nervous. Large breed dogs can develop hip dysplasia right around a year and a half of age (which is what Kaiser is) and if you don't know anything about it let me just tell you that it's bad. And expensive. 


So, this is me calling up the hospital... beep boop beep boop beep.


Douchefuck: Blankity blank vet hospital?

Me: Hey, I have a Great Dane named Kaiser and I want to get him set up for an x-ray and/or orthopedic evaluation because he's been standing strangely. Also, I want to set up an appointment to get his stomach tacked. When I was there last time the doctor told me they can probably do an x-ray for his hips while he is in surgery for a stomach tacking?

Uh.... okay. You said gastropexy and neuter?

No, he's been neutered. I want to get his stomach tacked and his hips x-rayed because I'm concerned that he might have hip dysplasia. His trot and walk are fine, but he stands with his hips turned out at an awkward angle and I just want to get him checked to make sure nothing is going on.

Oh, okay, well most people get the gastropexy and the neuter at the same time.

He's already been neutered. A year ago.

Ah. Well you'll have to make two separate appointments because the soft tissue surgery and the orthopedics will require two separate appointments.

I had him in there about two weeks ago for eye surgery and the doctor told me they could probably do the gastropexy and then x-ray his hips while he was unconscious.

No, it'll require two separate appointments. The gastropexy we can do next week but the orthopedic is going to be out until.... August 4th. He'll also be here for three days.

I'm sorry, three days? Is that for the gastropexy or the x-ray...?

Yes, the gastropexy; all surgeries are typically three days, appointment the first day, surgery the next day, goes home the third day.

Huh, well I just had him in for eye surgery and he came home the same day?

Yeah, no, it's three days.

Okay, well that's fine. Can we set that up?

Sure.... okay, so the gastropexy and the neuter, we have July 25th available, 10:45am or 11:15am?

Just the gastropexy surgery. He was neutered last year. I'd like the 11:15am appointment please.


Okay. You're all set.

Can I also set up an appointment now to get an orthopedic evaluation? If it's not available until next month I'd like to just set it up now.

Yes, but that's not available until August 4th.

That's fine, lets go ahead and set it up now because I noticed the hip thing about two weeks ago and I want to get them checked out to make sure nothing is going on.

Okay, has he been to blankity blank hospital before? 

.....Yes, he was there two weeks ago for eye surgery.

Oh okay. What's your name?

Brewster.

What's your last name?

BREWSTER. 

What's the dog's name?

Kaiser
        Side note: HOW THE FUCK DID HE MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR THE GASTROPEXY IF HE
        DIDN'T KNOW THIS ALREADY?

Okay, we've got a 10:45 on August 3rd.

10:45 on August third? Because you said fourth a minute ago.

Yes, the third.

Okay, that's fine.

Okay, so he has an awkward gait you said?

No, his gait is fine. HE IS STANDING WEIRD.

Okay, so what's he doing? 

He just stopped and one of his legs was turned out. Since this is about the time when they start developing Hip Dysplasia, I want to get him looked at.

Okay. I'm assuming this is a big dog?

YES, HE'S A GREAT DANE.

Yeah...... he could have Hip Dysplasia. Has anyone used that term with you yet?

YES. THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GET HIS HIPS X-RAYED.

Okay, I just want to make sure I'm writing this all down right. You know that's major surgery right? That's about a $4,000 surgery.

FML
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You thought I was going to shoot Kaiser at first, didn't you?

Oh God She's Talking About Her Effing Dog Again

She's talking about her effing dog again. No one wants to read that shit. No one cares about your damn dog. You're like those people that never shut up about their stupid kids that no one wants to hear about, except you're talking about a dog.

I know, I know.

But in case you do wanna read about him I have a guest blog over at Coffee with a Canine! There is no cursing and I'm on my best behavior, you won't even recognize my goody-two-shoes voice over there. Big thanks Marshall! :-)

Speaking of Kaiser, all of his out-of-cage privileged have been revoked. We were leaving him out of his cage 24/7 and the little shit got to spend all his time lying on a queen sized bed barking like a homicidal maniac at anything that moved in or around the house. He sleeps there. I cover him with blankies before he goes to bed. He basically had free rein of the house.

So he developed this habit of chewing up paper over the last two weeks and we've just kind of let it go. A tissue here, a tissue there, a piece of junk mail here, some paper from the trash can there. Then one night he targeted some cash. Yes, cash. He tore up two dollar bills and we saved the third. Not cool.

It actually became a joke. We were driving home from dinner a few nights ago and Justin says, "What do you want to bet that Kaiser tore something up?"


I'm not actually going to tell you what he wanted to bet. You can just guess and know he would have been thrilled to win it.

"Hell no, I'm not taking that bet."

Snarf snarf snarf snarf. We were giggling all the way up to the house. Open the door to THIS:

Contents include:
- My W2's
- Justin's tax forms
- A BRAND NEW NOVEL

We had to SEARCH to find pieces of the jacket cover. We couldn't even beat him we were so in awe of the absolute sheer destruction he was able to wreak in just under two hours.

Anyone want to adopt an asshole dog?

News

Two quick updates:

1.) Kaiser had his eye surgery and it was cheaper than I thought and his eye looks amazing. You can't tell there was ever a big pink gland sticking out.

He also has to wear the cone of shame for 10 days, which is just as much fun for him and us as you can imagine it would be. I'm pretty sure I have half circle bruises on my ass from when Kaiser sprints past me without allowing clearance room for the cone. It's annoying but it is hilarious too.

2.) I got into the design program at OSU!!! Whee!! There were 70 candidates this year, so I beat out at least 52 other people. It sucks though because some of my friends didn't make it, and one person was wait-listed. What a kick in the ass. But anyway, I'm in, so now I know what the next three years of my life are going to be. Woot woot! I'm really excited :-)

Kaiser Update

I've talked about our Great Dane Kaiser before and all his medical problems and expenses. Despite what a pain in the ass he is, we both love him to pieces and he's basically our child. He seems to require the type of attention a child would need (vs. a dog) and we do a fair amount of worrying about him. If he gets sick or throws up we're both watching him like a hawk, just waiting for the day when his stomach bloats or his hip pops out of socket.

Last week we were in bed when I was slightly woken up by the sound of coughing/retching. I wasn't fully awake yet until I heard the sound of puking, and I immediately flew out of bed and ran into the guest bedroom. As a reward for getting older and more mature and trustworthy we've been letting him sleep in the bed in there instead of his cage at night. Anyway, throwing up is one of the first signs of bloat, and you have only hours to save a dog who has bloated. So we take upset stomachs very seriously.

As I rounded the corner this is what I saw:

Kaiser was lying on the ground, instead of on the bed, in a huge puddle of foam. I assumed a few things in that second: that he had bloated during the night and crawled off the bed to try to get to us or downstairs but hadn't made it very far. He'd been puking foam or whatever it was and I hadn't heard him until now. And with that amount of stomach contents on the ground, I thought we were too late and he was probably not going to make it. This is at 12:30am.

I woke Justin up with my "OH MY GOD" and he jumped out of bed. It was at this point I flicked on the lights, ready to jump into action and save him.

I was a bit premature in my half-asleep state. He had actually gotten wrapped up in the blanket, somehow gotten to the floor with it, and had really only tossed a few pieces of dog food that he had inhaled without chewing. He was totally fine, and excited to see me at this early time of the morning. Needless to say I was relived, but my adrenaline continued to pump for another thirty or forty minutes before I was able to go back to sleep. Add that to Fun with Kaiser.

Speaking of expensive, I scheduled Kaiser's surgery for his cherry eye. I starved him the night before like you're supposed to and my Mom drove to Columbus to drop him off since I had to work. They put him under and started to work on his eye when they realized that it wasn't normal cherry eye. He has something called a "Prolapse of the Third Eyelid". What they told me was the cartilage that holds his eyelid in place is actually growing up and out (instead of in?) and is pushing the gland out of his eye.

Cute Xmas pic, huh?

Soooooo we have to schedule another surgery with an eye specialist at OSU. I'm sure that'll be cheap, right? Then he'll have to wear a collar for a few weeks. I can't WAIT!