Awards and Dysfunction

Hi everyone! Hi new followers! So glad you came to follow me right when I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Now the REAL shit-show will begin! I'm just kidding. Please don't leave me.

A few of the questions I have received in the past two weeks:

Are you dead?
> No, I am alive, but I'm barely functioning. You should see my house, I'm pretty sure I'm cultivating mushrooms somewhere, and not the fun kind.

New post soon?
> I would love to be able to do one and I did finally come up with an idea for a new post but my brain is not really working like I would like it to. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with me but I've spent the last two or three weeks in a constant hazy coma of crippling depression. FUN, right! I know. But it has basically hindered my ability to do anything other than this:

Are you still going to do my guest post?
> Yes. I still fully intend on doing the guest posts I've received (both as guests on my blog and my posts on your blogs). Once again, the loss of brain function and lack of desire to do anything but sleep all day has prohibited me from working on these posts. They will get done, I just don't know when.

Are you going to explode in a burning fire of self-pity and doubt?
> It is very possible.

Why haven't you commented on my blog posts recently?
> See above. I am barely feeding myself. I've got like 300 blogs I need to read. I am trying to go through them but please don't think I've abandoned you if I haven't written you love notes recently. It's not you, it's me. For reals.

Anything new going on?
> YES, actually. I'm going to be (hopefully) freelancing for 614 Magazine!! Awesome right? I didn't win (or even place) in the ColumBEST blogger award but I still (maybe) got a job out of it. Win!

Would you like me to send you a gift of cookies?
> UM, HELLFUCKINGYES???

Did you make up the last four questions yourself?
> Totally.

Are you still there? Sweet. Okay. I know I'm totallyfuckingboring.

I also won an award! Yaaaays! I'm pretty sure that I was just gifted this award as a pity gift because I'm not quite sure how in the hell anything I've ever written could be remotely inspirational, but it is what it is. I got this inspirational award from the lovely, frank, entertaining Minute Man's Wife. Her blog covers love and life, relationships, and anything else in between. If you haven't read her work before you should probably go check her out right now and leave her some love. Thank you my dear.

As part of the rules of this award I need to pass it on to 10 more inspirational bloggers. I would like to do more than 10 because I really love you all shitloads, but I will keep it short and sweet.

Chelle from Coffee & Zombie Movies - And before you ask, yes, I totally followed her based upon the title of her blog. But I have yet to be disappointed by anything she ever writes because it's fucking HILAAARRIOUS and she draws pictures too. Hearts. I wish I was as funny as she is.

Doesn't this look amazing?

Riot Kitty - I'm sitting here trying to figure out what the fuck Riot Kitty's blog is about but I can't really put my finger on anything in particular. There's a bunch of stuff on there, it's just whatever the hell she feels like writing, which is totally cool in my book. Plus, she posts lolcats pictures. Instant draw for people like me with the attention span of a carrot.

SOLD!

Patrick Tillett - I've never made any bones about my love for Pat and his blog and if you've followed me for any period of time you probably know that. Pat truly does deserve an Inspirational award for all the shit he has been through in his lifetime and he came out the other end a super awesome lovable human being. Shit, nothing bad has ever happened to me and I'm hardly bearable.

This sums Patrick up very neatly I think

Nikki from My Cyber House Rules - This is one badass 'fun and fearless female' (her phrase) right here folks. She just got into a women's roller derby team. TOTALLY HOT! I don't have a 10th of the balls she has to do something like that (and I'm pretty sure I can't move in roller blades or skates). If I ever am able to come out of my shell Nikki will be my next guest blogger.

She looks pretty legit to me.

Sandra from Absolutely Narcissism - This betch be crazy. The kind of crazy that makes you wish she lived nearby so you could take liquor over to her place and see what kind of trouble you can get into. She is endless sass and narcissism and not scared to admit it, and I sincerely hope that if I have crotch fruits of my own someday that I mother them just like she mothers hers.

She cooks in a crown and looks like a supermodel. What a betch!

Liz from Queen E The Third - I super love this little diva from Jersey (doesn't that just make you want to talk with an accent? I don't know if she has an accent or not. She probably does). Another straight up honest kind of girl which I always adore. She's going through a rough spot right now with her mother so make sure you stop over and send her some lovins.

Goofy Girl from There is Grandeur in This View of Life - Another one of my favorite bloggers; I love Goofy to itty bitty cute little pieces. You may remember her from an earlier guest post on my page, but she's another fun awesome femme that I wish was my neighbor because she rules and you should follow her blog. Goofy has hit a rough patch in life as well (we have discussed cuz we're homies) and could use some love too.

Disgustingly cute, right?

Laughing Mom from Where's the Funny Here? - This mommy blogger has a gift for humor and it boggles my mind why she does not have more followers showering her with love and adoration. I got in there early and when she blows up I'll be able to say that I was there first. Well, not first, but pretty close. So there. She finds the funny; you will too.

I still have to get this amazing decal that she found

The Shy Narcissist from Broke, Amusing, and Genius- Shy Narcissist(or AkelLove if you follow her twitter) is another one of those bloggers that is a little bit all over the place; the not-so-easy-to-peg blogger. She's a dollface and she's from Nairobi which instantly interests me because I am not from Nairobi and know nothing about it. And for calling herself a Narcissist she has very few photos (read: none) of herself on her blog. So we'll just go with her avatar here.

Shy is not really a bouquet

Chelsey from Misery and Merriment - Chelsey is also a crazy betch, a little whacked out, and a whole lot of funny and cute. She draws awesome pictures to go along with her stories too and I wubs her. Check her out for realz or else she might hurt you. Possibly. I wouldn't put it past her. She looks like she might cut a bitch if you cross her.

The caption on this photo is "Yaay! Drugs for me!" Well played, Chelsey

If you weren't included please don't feel bad. I still love you. Email me and once I'm not losing my mind I'll throw you up on guest post and talk about how much I love you. Hang in there with me guys, I've got some stress I need to overcome in the meantime.

Guest Post - Patrick Tillett

Hey All! So I had this idea a week or two ago while I was reading some hilarious blogs and I thought, “Boy, I bet this would lend itself to some picture story-telling.” I mean, I am hilarious, but honestly I don’t always have funny shit to say. There are plenty of other funny stories out there to be told. So I had an idea that might be kind of fun: anyone that is interested can send me a story that they think is funny and would like to see in my gorgeous MS Paint renderings. I will draw the pictures to go along with it and then publish it as a guest post on my blog, maybe once or twice a month (these pictures take longer than you might think).

Just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about, I took the liberty of finding a story that I thought was hilarious and drawing it. The very first story I went with was taken from Patrick Tillett. I didn’t actually ask him before I did it, but I decided to pick one of his stories because he’s always been extremely supportive, encouraging, and downright sweet about all of my silly blog posts.

And guess what? He has a blog! And it’s awesome. You should definitely check it out. There are a lot of stories about his childhood and about serving in Vietnam that are hard to read but are so well written and so engrossing that when I first found his blog I spent probably four or five straight hours reading through them. There are also plenty of funny posts and tons of amazing photography in there as well. The story I chose was actually a response to a question someone had asked him on Formspring. You can find the original post right heeyaa. So thanks Pat for all your props. I hope you like it :-D

And if you other cake eaters like it and want to participate as a guest blogger, let me know! You don't have to have your own blog; if you read and want to tell a story just write it in an email to me. Otherwise let me know in the comments or send me a link to an already-written blog story that you want me to do. Obviously I’ll link back to your blog and totally talk you up, and you’ll be a handful of goofy-ass pictures richer (beatches).

So without further ado:

Have you ever worn woman's clothing that didn't involve it being Halloween?
Of course not! Well, actually I have…
Many years ago, I knew some folks that hosted a costume party 4 times a year. None of them involved Halloween. Written invitations were sent out via mail. In addition to the normal items included, there was also information relating to the theme of the party. If you did not dress appropriate to the announced theme, you did not get in the door. No matter how good a friend you were, you weren’t getting in. I had been to a couple of their parties; they were fun, but a lot of work. 
My girlfriend at the time (not the one that almost got me killed) came running in from the mailbox shrieking with happiness. 

She told me that we got an invitation to one of the costume parties. She was beside herself with glee. I asked her what the theme of the party was.
“Pimps and whores” she told me. 

“What’s so funny about that” I asked her.
“The guys have to be the whores!” she screamed while collapsing to the floor with laughter.
“I’m not going!
“Yes you are, because if you don’t, I’m going by myself!

I wasn’t at all happy about this. I finally rationalized that it wouldn’t be all that bad, because every guy there would be dressed like a prostitute, not just me. My girlfriend rented her costume; platform shoes, velvet suit, big hat with feathers in it, walking stick, etc.
The night of the party, I walked out of the house in a mini-skirt, fishnet stockings, heels, wig, full on make-up, fake nails, and knockers out to there. At the time, I wasn’t overweight at all, but I’m a big person. You can imagine how I looked.

The party was really good. Somebody took a bunch of photographs, had I gotten any of them, I'd attach one to this post.   YEAH RIGHT! It was hilarious to see the women trying to act “cool” and the guys trying to act “cheap.” I only knew that my spike heels were killing me. I eventually sprained my ankle and ditched them. A good time was had by all.
The party ended and we left. I threw the wig in the back seat of my VW and started home. We had gone about a mile when my throttle cable broke. Of course it was on a very busy and well lit street.  Don’t envision this happening in today’s world. Think about it happening in a world of no cell phones…
Picture me bending over the rear end of my bug, in my mini-skirt. On second thought don’t! I did have my own underwear on, but still, don't do it.  By the time I realized I couldn’t fix it myself, I had already been honked at several times. 

We needed to get to a phone, in a big hurry! There were a couple of brightly lit stores that were pretty close by. They both had public phones, but I insisted that we just pass right by them and walk into the residential area.

I stopped at the first house that had lights on. We called a tow truck and went back to the car and waited. Of course the tow truck driver couldn’t stop smiling while he hooked up my car. I explained the “rules” of the party to him, but he just shook his head and kept smiling. 

I’ve never gone out in public dressed in women’s clothing again. Wait, I mean I’ve never dressed in women’s clothing again.
Well Jamie, I hope that answers your question…